So You've Been Dumped

NEW HOME FOR THE DUMPED

2009-02-06T18:52:00.005Z

WE'RE LIVE AT LAST

So the new So You've Been Dumped website - (simple but hopefully effective) is now LIVE! It will take a long time to move the content over to the new WordPress site / blog, but I can live with that. So this blog will become more obsolete. If you're a regular reader of SYBD's blog then please find us at the new home.

Also exciting is the first guest post for BlogHer is also live this afternoon (well morning for the West Coast!).

There are three more pieces due to come over the month of February. Next week will be some of the classic break-up lines sent to SYBD over the years.

Will do my best to update this blog - when I can...but my main blog will be at WordPress from here on in folks. Next piece will be to help people through Valentine's Day (or as I like to call it St Singleton's Day...Watch this space.

BACK IN BLACK - AGAIN

2009-01-20T03:00:00.002Z

Thanks to my lovely friend and IT guru Ross, we're back online again. Well Ross started the restore process and went to his bed at 11pm...It's 3am now and I guess, since we're "live" again, I can now go to my bed.

My apologies to the benefactors...The rest of the community - welp, ya get what ya pay for! Ha.

I'm just glad I was able to get it back online without too much of an outage.

Happy Posting. Maybe, just maybe, the brief SYBD absence made your heart grow fonder?

THE FORUM IS CLOSED...

2009-01-19T21:37:00.003Z

TEMPORARILY - (I HOPE)

You see, I've spent the better part of ten hours trying to get a new site / blog up-and-running, but then I made a wee mistake which I tried to correct and it ended up losing ALL of the day's work...

So then I tried to re-correct the original (wee) mistake, and in my stressed-out state, I managed to delete the entire forum. (Don't ask me how I achieved that, but I did and it's gone.)

Now, fortunately, I had enough sense to take a "backup" of the database which I am now trying to upload, but it doesn't seem to be working...

So honestly I have no idea when we'll get it up and running again, but I do apologise for the inconvenience. I especially apologise to the benefactors who've donated their hard-earned-money to the site to keep it running! Most of you, thankfully, are in the Facebook Benefactor's group, so you can post on there if you need support. I'll be checking it regularly and mailing other benefactors to ask them to help keep an eye on it too.

Let's hope we can resolve this issue soon, get back to 'business as usual', and I promise to never delete another database again! :/

Sorry.

LISA DAILY TV: 3 Secrets to Attract Men,...& more

2009-01-15T14:32:00.006Z

BUSINESS FIRST

Well first of all - once again - Happy New Year to all of you around the world. Thank you for visiting the SYBD blog. It's not been updated as much as I'd like but slowly things are starting to kick into gear once again.

Over the coming months, the site and blog will continue to transform. On the Site - you'll see it scaled right down to its bare minimum - and traffic will funnel to the blog here - or the ex-change our supportive, global community - which is the true heart of the So You've Been Dumped website. It's free to join so if you haven't do so - please log in and read the tens of thousand of stories from men and women of all ages - from all over the world.

SITE TO BLOG

The articles which are currently on the site, will be migrated over to the blog with a link from the main site to each blog entry for easy access. This is so we can give you the best, most-read content on our blog - which is a lot easier to up-keep than the a site.

These days, time is of the essence!

BREAK UP LINES

As such a high volume of traffic comes to view the break up lines - we'll continue to add those as regularly as possible. They're guaranteed to make you smile. (Well OK I can't "guarantee" that but if you have any sense of humor left at all - they will.)

The page that recommends books will get a face lift and we'll have one of the best "recommended reads" section anywhere on the web - to help you transform your life!

FUN TV

Lisa Daily just sent us this week's dating video update "3 Secrets to Attract Men Like Ants to Grape Jelly". (Her titles crack me up!) Happy viewing!

Please please please - don't forget to enter Lisa's competition to win a copy of her new book - HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN UP. And to find out more on LISA DAILY - www.DatingExpert.TV is her fabulous website.

LISA DAILY: Dating Tips 09: "7 Unexpected Places to Meet Great Men Over 40"

2009-01-07T12:37:00.003Z

New Year brings a brand new article from our Dating Expert - Lisa Daily...this time on the topic of dating men over 40...(I especially liked tip number 4!) I know a lot of you singletons are looking for love out there and I really hope this blog entry will be food for thought for you...Good luck and happy hunting! Oh and be sure to sign up to win a copy of her book!

7 Unexpected Places to Meet Great Men Over 40 - By Lisa Daily

It breaks my heart whenever I hear women say that there aren’t any good men left, because it’s just not true. Sure, it feels true when you’re sitting across the table from your blind date guy who wears black socks with sandals and whines about how his seventh divorce really was all his wife’s fault, because frankly, in his opinion, all women are inherently evil gold diggers or both.

But there are a lot of decent men and women who are single and looking for someone to love: maybe they made a few mistakes in their first marriage; maybe they’ve never been married; maybe the spouse they loved has passed away. I know this because I’ve met so many of you men and women who are a little older, a little (or a lot) wiser, and still hoping to find someone to share your life with.

Yes, it’s true there are lots of men who are damaged, depressed, and generally irritated about their past relationships. (And ladies, let’s be fair here the guys aren’t the only ones hanging on to anger and hurt and disappointment.) But there are also a lot of men and women out there who have learned from their mistakes, who want to find love and do better this time. Not to mention the folks who had it pretty good the first time around and are looking for someone to love again.

So where do you go to meet these wonderful, enlightened, please-let-them-be- attractive, minimally damaged men and women?

We all know that once you hit your fortieth (er, thirtieth) birthday, you’re not going to have much luck spending every weekend hanging out in a bar, gripping a bottle of light beer, and listening to the same old jokes, meeting the same people in different clothes. When we belly up to the bar, we’re much more likely to meet that smarmy loser whose exposed silver chest hairs seem perilously likely to fall in our drinks than the man of our dreams.

That said, there are lots of great places to meet someone fabulous, and many of them have little or no competition.
Where are they? Well, ladies, let me fill you in.

1) Somebody Else’s Company Picnic:

Pair up with another single pal and survey his or her company’s assets. These events are social, and as an added bonus, you know everybody there is employed. Your insider buddy can act as your tour guide to help you avoid the guy who sticks paperclips up his nose or the weirdo with fifty-nine cats.

2) Go Clubbing:

Want to meet an endless supply of fit, financially comfortable, educated men? Take up golfing. Trust me, men go crazy for a woman who can swing a crooked stick. And once you start, you might just find you’re as addicted to golfing as the guys are.
If you don’t already golf, there are lots of reasonably priced lessons at your local public course. (And of course, plenty of overpriced ones at the private clubs.)
Once you’ve mastered the basics, you have two options to maximize your man-meeting potential: You can pull together a foursome with a collection of like-minded women, or you can head out to the course on Saturday morning as a single and complete someone else’s foursome.

If you bring your own foursome, most of your socializing will probably take place in the clubhouse after your round. And a group of four women in a clubhouse overpopulated by men is bound to stand out like a basket of daisies.

If you’re golfing as a single, you’ll be meeting three new people (most likely men) and odds are in your favor that at least one of them is single. (The Census Bureau estimates that 30 percent of Americans born between 1946 and 1964 are single.) You’ll have him all to yourself for eighteen holes, and if you like him, you can let him buy you a Bloody Mary when you finish your round.

Now, you might be thinking you’d rather golf with your married friends Barb and Frank, who are fun to hang with and who will certainly not roll their eyes when you hit your ball into the middle of the lake, like a bunch of strange men might.
However, if you’re golfing out for the purpose of meeting other people, you’ll be far less likely to socialize with strangers if you go with a couple you already know. That is, unless Barb and Frank are shameless matchmakers who are willing to lure charming bachelors to your table. Or your cart.

The best news about dating a man who likes to golf: he has his own friends and his own interests (okay, interest) which means he won’t be spending all his time hanging around your house in his bathrobe, hoping you’ll entertain him.

Finally, don’t worry about whether or not you’re any good nobody is.

3) Join a Motorcycle Gang

Over-forty men are drawn to Harley-Davidsons like flies to sugar cookies. Whether you join a local motorcycle gang (check your dealership for a group of enthusiasts in your area some even host single-rider groups) or go it alone, motorcycle riding is another man-friendly pastime and a great way to get you out on the town. Just make sure you wear a helmet.

4) Marianne Williamson, Meet Wayne Dyer

If you’re looking to meet someone as interested in self-growth as you are, attending lectures, conferences, and seminars by spiritual and self-development leaders can be a great place to start. Most of us get tear-our-hair-out frustrated by the frequent negativity of the male mind and hanging out with a bunch of men who are actively seeking to live a more positive, meaningful, inspired life is a good place to start.

Weekend conferences are best if you’re hoping to meet other people, because they offer more chances to socialize than day-long seminars provide. If the conference feels too pricey, contact the organization or speaker and see if there’s a way you can work at the event in exchange for free admission.

Yes, the crowd will be 70 percent women, but the men will be good ones.

5) Romance and Power Tools

Most cities have some type of philanthropic singles organizations, and whether a group attracts young singles or mature singles depends on the city and the group. (Check out Senior Corps. www.seniorcorps.org, for volunteer groups for senior singles.)

The best part of meeting people through volunteer work? You help make the world a better place and meet a lot of like-minded eligibles. (Besides, helping others gives you good dating karma.) If there are no volunteer groups in your area catering specifically to singles, check out Habitat for Humanity, www.habitat.org. It’s a great way to meet people of all ages, and you get to spend the day in the sunshine using power tools. What could be better?

6) Charity Benefits

Charity dinners do attract a moneyed crowd, but the best way to meet people will actually get you in for free. (Hey, there’s no reason to put your nest egg in jeopardy just to have a fancy night out on the town. And be careful when you get there, one wild night with an auction paddle could have you eating cat food in your eighties.)

The secret to attending all the biggest charity benefits in your city? Volunteer! Volunteers generally eat for free, and you can go out on the town for as many nights as your closet will allow. Charities are always looking for warm bodies to help with auction items, ticket-taking, setup, and other odd jobs on the day of the event. The best job? Checking people in at the door you’ll get to meet every person who attends and better yet, you’ll know if that sharp-dressed charmer has tickets for two. Plus, it won’t be blatantly obvious that you’re flirting up a storm, because it’s your job to be charming and nice.

7) Parties Once-Removed: Six Degrees of Barbecue

You know how you always invite the same seventeen people to all of your parties? Bring some new blood to the old gang. With Parties Once-Removed, everybody you invite brings someone that nobody else in the group knows. Think of it as six degrees of separation, only backwards. Voila! You’ll have a party full of brand-new people who already get along great with your closest friends.

****
Excerpted from Lisa Daily’s brand new dating book, HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP: Everything You Need to Know to Get Out There, Get Lucky, or Even Get Married in Your 40s, 50s and Beyond.

You can WIN one of 25 signed copies of HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP all month. To register, or get more of Lisa’s free dating articles, tips and advice visit
http://www.lisadaily.com/datingexperttv
****

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 6: Meet Vic

2008-12-31T13:04:00.003Z

VIC’S SUCCESS STORY

Vic, a thirty-year-old Englishman, joined the site when his brief (rebound) relationship ended in 2003.

Even though the relationship really only lasted a few months, Vic was still torn up about it. He’d met his ex at an exclusive pub opening where she was working.

I don't remember meeting her for the first time, but she engineered other meetings. For me, it was one of those cliché whirlwind romances, like in the days when a war was on. If that had been the case, I would have been married before I’d have left for the Front. After about ten days of being constantly together, we started living together.

As soon as the budding romance had begun – cracks in it had surfaced – when he’d heard his ex was said to be hitting on his best friend.

My friend’s girlfriend accused her of being after her man after a 36-hour-bender. Both he and I left them to it believing that it would pass, and when we went to bed, it all seemed back on track.

The next day, she went to work and we swore many undying oaths of love and affection to each other. I thought it was all fine but after her work, she came to meet me at the pub where I lived, and when confronted with the girl accusations once more, she dumped me for lack of loyalty. She then called the police on me for drug possession and for having her keys. In front of an attending police officer, who found no drugs, she ordered him to get her keys from me. Then she claimed to have a son and to be worried for his welfare. I was shocked, gave over the keys and walked the streets for ten hours or so.

Though it was only a brief relationship, Vic was gutted and completely confused.

I was a mess, and returned to earlier (years earlier) bad habits over the next few days, Class A drugs, heavy drinking, and homelessness. I ended up randomly snogging a Swedish girl that I hardly knew.

Things got so bad that I was found myself hitting rock bottom. I ended taking a drug I’d not touched for seven years. Not long later, I was in this situation where it was better for me to move back in with my parents then to be on my own.

Vic started to get his life back on track with the help from his family, friends and through posting on SYBD.

Once I was given some stability, via living at my parents, I guess that the two things that kept me together were the discovery of SYBD, which I hit fairly hard every day. I ended up feeling some solace in writing bilge whenever I felt like it, only to be answered with sympathy and understanding.

The second saving grace was getting really back into my DJing. I even wound up playing a major outdoor festival after a month or so. Now I have a club night of my own on a weekly basis.

Time with my parents enabled me to resolve some rifts that I had with my dad. Other benefits have happened with my family in that I am very much a part of my two-year-old nephew’s life. I am completely besotted. I have discovered more who I am and who my friends are and I’ve even gone back to school to study for another degree.

Time has afforded Vic the benefit of hindsight. He ended up having to heal from not just one, but two, romantic disappointments which is probably why this rebound break-up hit him so hard.

Most of my friends have been polarised by our brief but intense relationship. It came after a four-and-a-half year relationship, which I thought was forever, and with this new relationship I put a lot of emotional investment into it and all my happiness.

Many of my friends were relieved that I had something beyond my previous partner, and became friends with her. Some of them never came back to my side, in case this was in spite of a twenty-two year friendship. For the most part, however, I realized how much that I had let it slide by investing so much of my life into another’s. I began to strive towards things I wanted, and after a period akin to mourning. I gradually became happier, as I realized that lots of my friends were much closer to me than I had ever given them credit for.

Also this was a chance to do things neither of my previous two partners ever wanted me to do.

Reflecting on life, friendships and relationships, Vic came to some pretty wonderful conclusions about himself and his worth.

Many of my friends had much more faith in me then I did in myself, I had a messy relationship with drugs, and I almost gave up again, but certain people, who are worth ten of me, in my eyes, helped me see that life could be great, single or attached, and so I was able to resist what I saw as an inevitable fall.

Mostly I learned, through the eyes of others, my own worth, I was reminded of the fact that I was a loyal, worthwhile person, through others who had to put up with so much of my crap, but never gave up. They said that I had always done this for them.

Another conclusion Vic reached was no matter how tempting it may at first be – “never rush into another relationship”.

I had always been a serial monogamist, who had set my own stall by my relationship. After being single for about five months in twelve years, I suddenly realized that happiness can be achieved on your own terms, and only then can true parity be achieved in a relationship.

Throw your energy into something you have not yet had the opportunity to do. Becoming single after a relationship frees up a great deal of your spare time, and plunging into a new relationship is not the best thing. Therefore, try that thing you have always wanted to do, be it traveling, mountain climbing, or, in my case launching your own DJ night, or even, like Thea, writing, and making your own brilliant website

Vic also learned that - though tempting – it’s far healthier to avoid reaching for the drink, drugs and random "substitute" warm bodies -- and instead to opt to call on family and friends for that support.

He’s happier with himself, has gone back to uni, had success in DJ-ing, and even received interest in a fiction book he’s been working on. He has begun dating again and feels that he found much self-awareness in his solo period - which he thinks will bode well for his future. Of that, I have no doubt.

FINALLY...

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all the SYBD site members, my friends, and all you readers of this blog. May 09 be the best year yet for each and every one of you...

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 5: Meet Dee

2008-12-15T09:20:00.004Z

Name: Dee
Details: Female / 28 / bi-sexual
Relationship length: 2 and a half years
Ended: 1998
Location: Scotland

Dee met her ex girlfriend through her flatmate who had a crush on her. Dee was, at the time, only vaguely aware of her, knowing only that she was a Swedish exchange student. Her flat mate kept asking her out, but kept getting knocked back. Dee and her ex would meet at various nights out due to their mutual friends and one night they got chatting.

She then asked me to come along to a night out, I went along and we danced for a while. I remember saying something like “oh god I’m all sweaty!” and she said “no, you’re lovely”. After that we started dating!

They dated for around eighteen months when they decided to relocate to Sweden from Scotland. Things were good at first. It was exciting being in a new country, learning the language and customs and trying to find a job and meeting family and friends. But eventually the novelty wore off and a shift took place and it all good too much for the couple – particularly Dee’s ex.

The end came at our flat in central Stockholm, on our bed. I had asked if everything was ok for about the millionth time, as things hadn’t seemed quite right for while. Eventually she said that she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. She went on to explain that she had lost respect for me, partly because I had been depressed (my Grandfather was dying of cancer and I had been staying with him in the hospice) and partly because the strain of being emotionally and financially relied upon became too much for her.

Dee had left behind her family, her friends, her way of life in Scotland to be with this person she loved (a feeling I know all too well) – only to be chucked aside like an after thought. She was crushed and stuck.

I was devastated. I cried continually, I listened to Nyman’s Piano Concerto constantly. My new best friend was Absolut vodka. I lost weight, because I wasn’t really interested in eating or looking after myself. I continued to stay with my ex because she insisted that I didn’t have to move out straight away. I was also working with my ex at the time, so things were a bit strained at work too.

Like so many SYBD community members, Dee found out the hard way the perils of dating someone and working with them – and add to that the living with them too arrangement and you’ve got the recipe for agony.

Reeling from the break-up and her grandfather’s death, it was a phone call to her best friend in Australia that served as a wake up call for Dee.

I drank about half a litre of vodka and called my best friend who’d recently moved to Australia. The first thing he asked me was how much I had to drink. Upon reflection, I was really lucky that I didn’t spiral into alcoholism. I just remember him telling me I needed to move out.

Dee’s friend was right. When you’re reeling from another’s decision to break things off – you need to switch into self-preservation mode. So Dee moved back to Scotland and eventually in with her friend in Glasgow. She learned first hand just how long it can take to recover from heartbreak.

Once she did recover, Dee got a job at a call centre and started to date her team leader, John. Yes, it seems her ex put her off women and she’s been with John for five wonderful years now. She’s learned how to drive, passed her driving test (on the 7th time). She’s even flown down to Australia to visit that best friend of hers to thank him firsthand for all his support. Most of all she’s learned a lot about herself and her ways of coping with difficulties.

I'm amazed that I can now think about my relationship with some objectivity. I reflect fondly about the good times, but I also remember the bad times. Ultimately I know our break up was the best thing for both of us. I genuinely wish the best for her. I realise now how young I was at the time, mentally and emotionally. I’ve grown up a lot and feel that although it felt like my world was ending at the time, it was just changing. It was a great opportunity.

If Dee comes across a friend or stranger needing advice – she’s always there to give it. Trained to degree level in psychology, she’s a natural. Her advice is sound:

Look after yourself – first of all the basics: eat, sleep, don’t rely on alcohol (or drugs!) and cut contact with your ex, unless completely unavoidable (i.e. you have kids). Take it one day at a time and make sure you don’t rush into any relationships. Find activities to keep you busy, think of things you’ve always wanted to do then do them.

YEARS LATER...
This chapter was written several years ago, I am please to report that Dee is not only still happy in her long-term relationship with John but they recently had a lovely,, gorgeous baby boy. What a difference a few years can make! It just goes to show - we never truly know what is around the next bend...

LISA DAILY: The Man Shortage is Over

2008-12-11T15:45:00.002Z

GREETINGS

Sorry so behind lately with the blogs, but this is the latest edition of Lisa Daily's TV advice...an article from her due soon too. I'd post it if I had it now but I am in the edit suite and it's back home on my PC (drat).

LISA DAILY - DATING EXPERT

IS THE MAN SHORTAGE OVER?

Does it seem like there are no good guys left? Dating Expert Lisa Daily (author of STOP GETTING DUMPED! and HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP) tells you why your luck is about to change.

Hopefully get you a BOUNCED BACK BLOG tomorrow. Watch this space. :)

SMALL DECEMBER 3RD UPDATE

2008-12-03T10:20:00.003Z

CATCHING UP ON BLOG ENTRIES

For the next few weeks the blog postings will be very sporadic on SYBD. This is due to the primary focus being on editing the "rough cut" of the So You've Been Dumped feature length documentary...Six days down another ten or so to go, I think.

Hopefully nearer to Christmas - entries will resume as normal. The past 2 weeks we've had no ASK SYBD entries (no time to write them, that is) and so far no RANDOM ACTS...but here's a little one.

RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS

Today on the site a new member "Uncuddled" has posted a great idea in time for the holidays. It's an opportunity to thank our troops (USA) for fighting which, to me in my mind is a pointless war, but they're risking their lives and that much I do appreciate. More info can be found on Let's Say Thanks.

These days I am making driving a bit of a game to see how many people I can "let in" or across my path. I am actually seeking opportunities to be kinder. Though yesterday I did speed up and cut a guy off - which was counter productive as he ended up getting mad and tail gating for several miles. Whoops. I will be more kind and consider today. See how you go...

& FOR ME

If you're looking for a Random Kindness to do to me - here's what I want for Christmas, people. Vouchers for this. Well instead of giving gifts to each other, my friend Nicola and I are going to treat ourselves to massages.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

I am going to put my tree up this evening. Putting it up means pulling it out of the box and plugging it in but I love it just the same. I am making all presents and all cards - apart from what I give to one, precocious seven year old. She's the only one I'll be spending money on. I have to say it will be fun to be around a kid on Christmas. It's not been the case for me since my nieces were wee. So that too will get me in the spirit no doubt.

BOUNCED BACK

I will get a "Bounced Back" piece up this Friday and all being well, tomorrow we'll have a new article from LISA DAILY - America's Favorite Dating Expert! She sent it yesterday but I seem to have lost it in my inbox somehow! 100 mails a day will do that to you.

Thanks for your patience.

BOUNCED BACK: SYBD SUCCESS STORIES - Meet Ryan

2008-11-21T16:32:00.002Z

Ryan is a handsome, intelligent, articulate, twenty-something reporter. He joined the SYBD community when his three-year relationship ended. Not long after, I managed a meal out with him where I was able to hear his story first hand. As is so often the case, I was sad that such a kind, attractive sensitive soul found himself cast aside. Ryan met his ex girlfriend while at school.

I first met my ex while in college, when I was at the immediate end of a relationship. She and I had become friends and co-workers at the college newspaper, and she had dated a friend of mine. After six months as close friends, talking passionately about journalism, politics, relationships and mutual friends, shooting pool together and commiserating often over lunch and beers, with her editing a controversial column I was writing, we became close. We made the transition one night while in a bar, talking over a trip together. She fell for me, unexpectedly. I hadn't considered her as more than a friend and was blind-sided. But I decided I was interested, and that night in the bar, as we were talking, she came over, sat on my lap, and kissed me. We stumbled home, falling into a flower bed, before spending some time in her parked car, since she lived with a roommate.

Ryan's relationship that blossomed was tempestuous and passionate from the get go.

We fought almost as often as we had sex, and we drank almost as often as we fought. We were young and experimenting, and we roped friends into our dramas. Still, I felt we were soul mates, and should make a go of things. We liked to indulge ourselves - staying out late, eating bad food, sleeping in, dashing off during the day for our own escapes. It seemed we had great chemistry. We were passionate writers, fervent capitalists, and when we graduated the economy was such that we could both pursue business writing in tandem, relatively lucratively.

Eventually, our tendencies caught up with us. We gained weight, became a bit nastier - turning debates into full-fledged fights, and our passion curdled into jealousy. Even my male friends, if they were gay, could arouse her mistrust, and I was ridiculously paranoid about her friends as well. The relationship veered into a dysfunctional spiral.

After several years together, Ryan's ex had travelled abroad and the pair had arguments over the phone whilst she was away, so it wasn't a huge surprise when his ex finally said the words, "I don't think we should stay together anymore." As they' fought a fair amount, Ryan tried to persuade himself that they would work through it, but deep down, he knew his ex would be ending the relationship the day she returned. Even sensing its ending, Ryan still panicked.

I had become utterly dependent - or, more importantly, had come to believe I was utterly dependent on my ex. The terrible thing about a relationship with lots of jealousy is that it can cut you off from outside sources of support. Also, when you're young, you don't even realize your life is terribly out of balance, that you need more of your own activities, and your own emotional center independent of others.

I would cry throughout the day, several times per day. I had no appetite whatsoever for at least a month, and diminished appetite for the next six months. Sleeping was difficult, but I had no qualms about using sleeping aids, ranging from over the counter sleeping pills to binge drinking. I didn't think life could be worth living any more. I did not think I would find anyone like that again. It seems bizarre in retrospect, but it was very real, and I certainly believe I had a certain innocence and full-bore massive infatuation complex then that I will not ever have again.

Later Ryan recalled hitting rock bottom at a party when he was having a good time with friends...and in an instant, he tuned out of the party and spaced out.

I felt like I was sort of floating above everyone. There was then an overwhelming flood of emotion, of sadness and a bit of anger, and of hopelessness. The times when I felt hopeless were always the worst. I ran outside, late at night, down the street, and tripped and collapsed on the sidewalk in the cold night. I was sobbing uncontrollably and had cut my arms open. Two friends came out and saw me there, and I was blabbing about how pitiful I felt. They could tell what it was about. But, to their credit, they walked me back to the party, and comforted me, and turned out to be great friends.

Eventually life began to feel like it was worth living again for Ryan and one day while in a rented cabin at a lake, on a warm evening with plenty of stars - he felt a turning point.

It occurred to me I wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else in the world with anyone else, or to be anyone else, or to be anything other than single, right at that moment. I felt lucky and blessed and like I would be OK, like the world would take care of me, like maybe there is a God.

The break up prompted Ryan to make new friends, try new activities, and to take responsibility for himself. He had come to care for and love himself, found new self confidence and started travel and have more fun.

I swam from Alcatraz to San Francisco (in a wetsuit) after just a few months of training, and repeated the feat the next year. Now it has become an annual activity. While in the relationship, I did not have the energy or motivation or encouragement to try that sort of thing. I wrote a 150-page novel in a month about a tough-talking tabloid reporter. I learned to cook, assembling risottos and stews and sea bass and barbeque – which I would never have attempted before. Socialising more, I went to parties all over town. Hitting the gym improved my mental health, but in the process I lost 40 pounds! After losing all that weight, I had to buy myself nice new clothes, including two, smart suits.

There are many things that surprised Ryan about his break-up the biggest is that he's now glad the break up happened.

I never believed anyone who told me that I'd eventually feel that way - least of all my ex, who when she broke up with me said I might be happy about it some day. I have come to learn it is true, however. I am glad it happened. Being single for an extended period forces a sort of personal growth that is self-sustaining and enriching. It also encourages you to stay away from (or break out of) any other bad relationships that come your way. If you survive a horrible break up, there is not much in life that intimidates you. Physically, socially, culturally, intellectually, professionally -- you become tuned for bigger challenges, and braver. You also learn to savour and enjoy happiness when it comes, and to appreciate the positive relationships you form, romantic or otherwise.

I am also surprised I was able to get past feelings of guilt and blame. I really felt guilty at first, that I ruined something great, and then would veer into periods of angrily blaming my ex. But I was able to arrive at a more balanced view, to see us both as human, and thus as both faulty and loving. It was going to happen and needed to happen, and I am happy to put life behind us.

Ryan feels that the best advice given after a break up is to cut off contact with an ex to the greatest extent possible.

I didn't get this from my friends or my therapist but from Thea. Once I truly applied this axiom, my emotional healing and growth began to accelerate quite a bit. In that case, I was not the one who decided to end the relationship, but I think whether one is dumped or dumping, this is a good rule. The end of a relationship is a clear signal that you need to reflect and change. Your problem might be as simple as not recognizing certain serious incompatibilities in others, or as complex as internal self esteem and acting out issues. Whatever your individual problems, you need to focus on yourself. I found that as long as I had any contact or potential contact with my ex, I was not able to focus on myself very well. Not calling, emailing, writing or even forwarding mail allowed me to get my priorities straight.

Ryan has learned to effectively and positively harness all of his potential since his break-up. He's an inspiration to others in this boat.

I am an example of how courage can be synthesized by even a shivering, frightened man who feels like a shell of his former self and all alone in the world. I was not brave -- I became brave. Also, I think my case underscores the power of physical exercise and counseling/therapy. Physical exercise gave me the internal chemicals to reduce stress, increase energy level and even induce happiness. (Antidepressant drugs can help with this as well, although I did not have the chance to get a prescription.) Therapy gave me the weekly or bi-weekly opportunity to chop off bad lines of thought before they turned sour, and to initiate new positive lines of thought that had the chance of producing great benefits.

Finally, being part of Thea's online community and listening to her excellent and generously frequent advice helped me feel less alone in the world and gave me the most important and practical tips for keeping my head above water and on the track to a happier future.

These days Ryan is a new man. He is less afriad in the world and possesses confidence to do anything and trust that things will be OK.

My to-do list is a mile long and I love it. I want to become a freestyle snowboarder, proficient and frequent surfer, daily open water swimmer, cyclist, tri-athlete, author, award-winning journalist, publisher, world traveller, learner of new languages, entrepreneur, gourmet chef, filmmaker and artist.

Ryan has moved on from his break-up with forgiveness of both himself and of his ex. He's turned his pain into something positive – whether swimming with Sharks or simply through his new outlook on life. He has even moved on to a new healthy and happy relationship and is now married and regardless of what happens in his future - he knows how to turn his pain into gain.

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS # 6: Simple Gesture of Kindness & LISA DAILY's TV

2008-11-20T12:19:00.003Z

RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS

Well, I seem to be a day late with all my blogs this weather, so today I am combining what should have been posted yesterday (Random Act of Kindness) with today's normal LISA DAILY TV spot.

First things first, greetings from London...I am down to meet a group of community moderators for a night out of talking shop and trading ideas. That should be fun. But also we're having a night out in London for SYBD benefactors. These are always so fun as I get to put the names to the faces - something I love doing.

So just a short bit of "kindness" to report. Last week I was at the Tramway knitting with some people from a group. One of the ladies, Evelyn, gave another of the ladies Maggie a massive bag of yarn for a volunteer group she works with. I eyed one of the chunky, colorful balls thinking it would make a nice hat. I didn't think anything of it and about an hour later Maggie gave the ball of yarn to me. A simple gesture, that cost her nothing and yet meant a lot to me. I was touched. Such a nice group of people I seem to surround myself with. Always giving. So thank you Maggie.

Well I'll leave you with this week's TV from dating expert LISA DAILY - which I've yet to even watch yet. Let me know your feedback if you have any.

DATING EXPERT

www.datingexpert.TV -- Does it seem like there are no good guys left? Dating Expert Lisa Daily (author of HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP and STOP GETTING DUMPED!) tells you why your luck is about to change.

ASK SYBD: "Can you live with your ex after being dumped?"

2008-11-18T17:13:00.002Z

A day later than billed due to life being super busy at the moment...But today's topic is one that comes up fairly often. It's one I've experienced a few times myself in slightly different ways.

Bib writes:

"So I've been dumped - and I am confused! No real explaination, she just doesn't feel the same as she did six years ago, and doesn't fancy me anymore! Just over a year ago we bought a house together, usual stuff, dream home, pushed the limits on the mortgage and in the middle of this year we extended the house which took up our remaining cash...'not a problem as we were going to live happily ever after. The trouble is we have split and neither of us can afford to move out or indeed have anywhere to go! This means we have to live together until the work is fully complete on the house (two months) and then we sell it (which will take now long?

So my question is - can you live with your ex after being dumped?

This is something I've had to contend with. After my marriage ended - we had to "co-habitate" for two, long weeks which was a bit of a nightmare at the time. Then after my second long term relationship - we split a month after buying that 'dream home' together. Thankfully we didn't have to live together, but I had to stay alone in the house until he could buy me out.

So my advice in this situation is as follows:

KEEP CONTACT TO MINIMUM

While I don't suggest you be rude, I'd be as brief/cordial as humanly possible.

If you start freezing her out and she starts freezing you out - you'll both be pissed off and plagued by frostbite...which won't help an already stressful situation.

Keep the subject matter solely about the house or house-related things.

KEEP IT LIGHT

Avoid asking her stuff about where she's going/what she's doing (especially who she's doing!)...

(When someone just goes off someone like that - I do fear there may be someone else on the scene - so brace yourself for that!!)

KEEP BUSY

Book up as much time away from the home as possible. Now is the time to join that motorcycle club, book club, movie club, hit the gym, reconnect with old friends, search out new ones, volunteer somewhere - or take up some new hobby or whatever. Just fill your social diary as much as you can to help pass the time.

DON'T RUB IT IN

Be mysterious and enigmatic - but don't bring women around, try to make her jealous by bringing people back, or leaving random numbers around etc...

Really, just avoid being petty if at all possible.

KEEP TO YOURSELF

If you try to be pals (platonic room mates) right away - it's going to be even more confusing and challenging, I believe. It takes a real solid pair to pull it off straight away.

There is a chance you can make this transition to flat mates / house mates - but it's not usually in the first week or two of a split. It is something that may happen gradually over time as the wounds heal.

So if you can watch TV in your room / or listen to music / type on the PC - away from her - that might be best - just for now.

As I mentioned in my situation above for those weeks we had to live together I was out A LOT - because it was too uncomfortable and acrimonious to be under the same roof as each other.

I think he did the same. It was really challenging...Maybe you can rent it out until the climate changes...?

DMC also had some wonderful advice on this topic:

What with the credit crunch, it seems impossible to get rid of a house these days, but me moving in with a lodger can offset an ex's part of the mortgage, while they still retains their original stake. I'd advise therefore that it's vital that you try to keep things civil between you, and be prepared to compromise a bit, as your compromising will make her more likely to compromise too.

Sound words from DMC.

Have you experienced the torture of post-dump co-habitating? Do tell us.

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 4: Meet LJ

2008-11-14T10:38:00.003Z

HAPPY FRIDAY - it's that time of week when I share with you another chapter of my BOUNCED BACK book. The feedback on these stories has been great - so thank you for your input. I am so glad you like them. This week, it's LJ. Enjoy.

LJ is a forty-six year old woman who works in IT. She joined SYBD four years after her thirteen-year relationship ended. Despite the time that had passed, LJ was still trying to cope with the betrayal of her husband of nine years.

We used to work at the same company, and met at a disco on Halloween night. We got on so well and were instantly attracted to each other. We started seeing each other from that moment on, and we were together every day until we broke up. We had a superb relationship. We got on like soul mates. We shared everything together. Everybody thought that our relationship was rock solid. Including me. Everything changed when we had a child and he didn't feel he was the centre of attention anymore.

It wasn’t long after when LJ discovered that her husband was having an affair. It was naturally a painful discovery, and one that she could find no respite from.

Finding out that he was having an affair, and coming to terms with it, was a long and painful process. I denied it to myself for a long time, even though I kept finding evidence to prove it. I lived like that for a year. When I finally confronted him, he would get angry and defensive and accuse me of being disloyal. I would feel bad for days, and then it would all start again. I eventually proved it with no doubt, and I asked him to leave. I could not live like that anymore. He maintained that he was not having an affair, they were just friends, because he did not have a home life! Seemingly it was all my fault because I had been too busy with our child. He continued to maintain they were just friends - until the day he had to tell me she was pregnant with his child. After that, we had to remain friendly and civil, (which of course was a painful process), for the sake of our son.

When LJ was told that her husband and his mistress were expecting a child, she was unsurprisingly distraught.

I was devastated. My whole world - and everything I believed to be true, honest and good - was totally shattered. I felt humiliated, betrayed, angry, hurt, confused, and thought I would never recover and would never ever love again. To love like that again would be impossible. My health suffered. I found it difficult to sleep because I was afraid of being alone in the house all the time. I became obsessive about checking the doors and windows were locked three or four times a night. I would sit in bed, with the light on, until I dropped into exhausted sleep. I lost a terrific amount of weight. I had palpitations and smoked like a chimney. I was over anxious about our child, every little cold or sneeze was meningitis or something worse. I eventually got very ill with shingles and anemia.

LJ remembers hitting rock bottom and never wants to go back there. She felt her life was over, and that she would never be able to cope with anything again. She feared that she would live the rest of her life – destined to be alone.

When I found out he was having a kid with her, I knew there was no going back. Finally, I was able to close a door that had remained open. It was about a year after we finally parted. I realised then that I needed to start to take care of me and my son and look forward – and stop looking back. I had also started to discover that I was OK on my own, and that, in some ways, it was quite nice. I didn't have to answer to anyone for anything. I was master of my own destiny, and could do what I wanted with my life. I started to see this as an opportunity to change the way my life was going.

LJ’s life began to turn around day by day. She went back to college to retrain in IT. She got a good job working in a school – so that she could be there for her son as much as possible. She embarked on a full-scale self-improvement plan.

I joined a gym and went three times a week and made some new friends. I went to anything I got invited to. I rose to the challenge of turning up to parties or events on my own. I have brought up my son on my own and I am always grateful that I have him in my life. He has blossomed into a wonderful teenager and I am so proud that we pulled through this together.

LJ has reached ambivalence about her break-up with her ex-husband and, though it was a tough slog, they are amicable.

Eight years down the road, we are genuine friends. It’s all water under the bridge. It does not mean I have not come away without my battle wounds but at least there are no hard feelings anymore. I genuinely like my ex-husband and we have a good friendship. He’s even been there for me to help with a few things, and I know he always would, if I needed him to. I have no bitterness or hatred towards his partner who caused us to split. I have developed the attitude that you should never take anything for granted, but you should take whatever life presents you and make the most of it and treasure it and always look forward to new challenges and opportunities. I am not even sad anymore about losing my marriage.

Confronted with someone going through a similar situation, LJ would warn them that it’s going to be a hard road ahead and that they are likely to feel a lot of pain, but she’d also assure them that they will survive. Break-ups are of course a chance to grow and learn and come through the other side – learning skills and tools to enhance their lives in a positive way.

It’s not what life gives you, it is how you deal with it that makes all the difference in the world. If you’re healing from a break-up, treat this as a time to reflect on what you really want and go for it. It is possible to bounce back from rock bottom. Think about making changes. Turn your life around and strive to be a happier person. For instance, with the benefit of some time and distance, I am now am eternally thankful that I don't spend my life washing and ironing shirts cooking late at night for someone! Relationships should be about sharing and developing with each other whilst leading your own life. Never be totally dependent on another person for your happiness...Make your own!

I have a more relaxed attitude about relationships. I don't look at them as something for life...I look at them as something for the here and now…I have more respect for myself and I won't put up with any nonsense from anyone anymore. I can handle myself better now and have more confidence. It is important for people who have experienced this pain to know that as agonising as it is, you can recover from it and move on. No one ever thinks they will.

Beautifully said Miss LJ. Some of those phrases I feel I could have written myself. We both had what we thought were ‘enviable’ relationships, both got left for other women and both learned not to take anything for granted with relationships. Finally, like LJ, I’m a firm believer in making your own happiness. It never works to try to find that outside ourselves. That was perhaps my most-challenging, yet my most-rewarding lesson learned over the past ten years. It's the one I wish for everyone on SYBD to learn too...Happy Friday.

LISA DAILY: Dating Tips # 3: Get Your Guy to Propose

2008-11-13T16:16:00.003Z

Well Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped and How to Date Like a Grown up...and she runs DATING EXPERT TV....so each week we get her take on the dating rituals of the world. This week she talks about getting a guy to propose. I'd be curious to hear your feedback on the advice. Love it or loathe it do let us know.

I've never been one for dating much, unfortunately...

For you serial daters - do tell.

Tomorrow it's another success story for SYBD. Check back then! Thank you! :)

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS # 5: Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

2008-11-12T12:13:00.003Z

Pardon the Australian soap opera reference in our title this week...

Each week here on the soyouvebeendumped.com blog we try to spread a bit of kindness - just to show it's not all "doom and gloom" around these parts. Also we're firm believers about what we put out coming bouncing back. Today's input comes from an anonymous American woman who simply goes by Anon101.

"There are a couple of elderly women who live above me (separately) in my apartment complex. Whenever I see them carrying in bags of groceries or whatever, I normally stop and carry them up the steps for them. One morning I was running extremely late for a meeting, but I couldn't stand the thought of my neighbor trying to haul up six bags of stuff to her apartment. So, after I traipsed up and down the stairs a few times...(in a suit and heels, mind you)...I was sure that I was going to get reamed at work for being so late. Instead, I missed every red light on the way there and made it in the conference room just as everyone was sitting down!"

Isn't it great when life works out like that? Anon also gave us another story.

A year ago or so, on one of the morning talk radio shows, someone who called in told a great story of "paying it forward." Apparently, someone who was going through a McDonald's drive-thru decided to pay for the person behind him. Then the second person did the same. Then the third...and the fourth, I think. Even though I wasn't part of that line, hearing that story sure did put a smile on my face and made my morning much more enjoyable."

This past weekend - on a lovely drive in the country here in Scotland I clocked a tree in the wild with Christmas ornaments on it. I had to do a u-turn to go back and photograph it. What a wonderful and simple idea. I wished I'd thought of it myself. It made me wonder who the person was that did such a thing. Being one who loves Christmas lights, trees, ornaments etc - this really struck a cord with me. I hope it does you too. I thank you for keeping this thread going and hopefully you'll be inspired to do something kind for someone else.

ASK SYBD: My Ex Claims to Want to Be Friends but Why is S/He acting Like This?

2008-11-10T15:59:00.004Z

JEKYLL AND HYDE: HELP WHY IS MY EX ACTING LIKE THIS?

When we split up we don't always get the answers we need or want. People (our exes) often say things to us to try to soften the blow...things like they "still care" about us and that they still want us in their lives, but why then do some of them act in the direct opposite way to those wants?

Each week, there are many posts on SYBD that reflect this sort of sentiment - where the dumpee is left asking "why is s/he behaving like this?"

Many times a dumper will SAY they want to be friends and sometimes they even mean it, but sometimes they don't. Unfortunately.

It's not uncommon to feel like you're getting a mighty cold shoulder or even freezed-out once the break-up has occurred.

This can mean the dumper doesn't want to be friends - but it can also mean they simply feel awkward, embarrassed, confused and a whole host of other emotions. It's not always as black and white thinks it is.

So a dumpee ends up reading things into the situation that aren't in fact there and they blame themselves for their ex's inability to communicate effectively and positively - when in fact it may have nothing to do with them.

REPLACED

If a new person is on the scene (e.g. and you've been replaced) then it's more than likely that their free time is taken up with Mr or Miss New. Or that the new

This is why the general rule of thumb is to make a clean break - at least until such time as you can handle being "friends" yourself.

GUILTY

A lot of time a dumper may not want to be in contact with their ex anymore is the sense of guilt they feel for causing the pain, turmoil or upheaval. So they do what they feel is best and disappear.

CONFUSING

Splitting up can be confusing - even for a dumper. Even if they (and sometimes you) - know it's for the best that the split happens - seeing each other can cause all sorts of confusing emotions to rise to the surface. If chemistry has been good - then it's likely to rise to the surface too.

This is why we hear of the ole "sex with the ex" chestnut. Which can be totally fine if you're both on the same page about it. But in many cases a dumpee will try to use sex as a way of convincing an ex to get back together. That trick seldom works and the dumpee ends up feeling used.

UNDERSTANDING

Dumpees often feel terribly hurt post break up, it's only natural. But what they dont' realize that in spite of the way their ex may be behaving - they're hurting too in many occasions. Just because they're ACTING like they don't give a toss about you - doesn't meant they don't. Often acting like they don't care is simply a protective mechanism from showing they actually do care.

Yes I know your ex may be behaving like the spawn of Satan - and acting like they really don't care - but chances are, deep down they do. They just have a funny way of showing it at times.

STOP ANALYZING IT

So really, at the end of the day, it's wise to not analyze what a dumper is feeling and why they are behaving in this way or that. We end up second guessing and guessing wrong.

Case in point...I once had a guy go AWOL on me. Literally one day he vanished in a way that many on SYBD would be shocked by. His behavior would be labeled "bad" by most around this site.

Though I admit it hurt at the time, about a year later, we became good friends and he confessed why he'd acted in the way he had. It had NOTHING to do with me. Once he told me his reasoning it all made sense.

But at some point just after he left I just kindly reminded myself over and over "this is not about me." Because in most cases - it isn't. So all those early days/weeks (or what have you) after it happened, that I spent trying to read his mind (and actions), was all wasted energy.

You can never get behind someone else's eyes. Once I stopped trying to work out my ex's behaviors - I was able to "go with the flow" and it's resulted in me being able to be friends with every guy I dated in the past decade. In no case did it happen straight away. In some of the cases they acted like I had the plague...But as time goes on, dust settles and it's easier to be open and honest when some water has passed under the bridge.

Good luck...and let me leave you with a wonderful excerpt from Wayne Dyer's CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS CHANGE YOUR LIFE book:

"Let the world unfold without always attempting to figure it all out. Let relationships just be, for example, since everything is going to stretch out in Divine order. Don't try so hard to make something work - simply allow. Don't always toil at trying to understand your mate, your children, your parents, your boss, or anyone else, because the Tao is working at all times. When expectations are shattered, practice allowing that to be the way it is. Recognize that some of your desires are about how you think your world should be, rather than how it is in that moment. Become an astute observer...judge less and listen more. Take time to open up your mind to the fascinating mystery and uncertainty that we all experience." (PG 5)

LISA DAILY: Dating Tips TV #2 - "Kissing Frogs"

2008-11-09T12:47:00.002Z

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY #3 Meet Englishman Bob

2008-11-07T13:23:00.005Z

Bob* (ok, it's not his real name) is a twenty-eight year old student in Reading, England. He joined SYBD in July of 2003 after his two-year relationship ended. They’d met in a London club a few years prior through mutual friends.

It was that sort of intense connection. I had never met anyone, previously, in a club before. At least not one I had a long-term relationship with, until then…We had a few things stacked against us namely the distance between us (about one and a half hour’s drive), which didn’t help us. I think the relationship was just something we both wanted at the time, but not in the long term, e.g. not forever.

It was a decent relationship which ticked along, but one day came to and over the phone. They both knew it was in the cards but instead of making a “clean break”, they opted for a “two-week trial” break in hopes of softening the blow.

She took a holiday and while she was away she decided, for herself, that it was finished. When we got back together to speak about the future, she made it clear that for her (and us) it would be best to move on.

Even though it had become, in many ways, a relationship of “convenience”, and he knew a break-up was imminent, Bob still felt the pain of detachment quite severely - experiencing all sorts of pains.

I had severe physical effects, which was really strange for me, as it was the first time I'd had any after a split up. The initial reaction was shock (even though I knew it was coming). As it started to sink in, I took a definite down turn. My appetite completely went and I lost a lot of weigh but at least I looked good with this weight loss! I wish I could lose it again!! But I was basically eating next-to-nothing and chain-smoking all the time.

You could tell it had hit me: body language, the sound of my voice, I was unmotivated and lost all enthusiasm for everything. I have a passion for buying lots of music and for six months I didn’t even listen to any music let alone buy any. I'd lost my inspiration to do anything creative and it hit my confidence. It hit me as soon as I woke up in the mornings and didn’t leave until I dropped off to sleep at night. I literally couldn’t think of anything else!

Over the course of the break-up, Bob survived many dips to rock bottom – so many that he can’t even remember them. It was an over all feeling that he’d simply never get better.

It was the first time I'd really had my heart broken badly, and it felt like death. I guess in some ways it was death, the death of the relationship. The feeling of hating life, hating myself and losing all my confidence was particularly soul-destroying for me.

Bob took the advice he was receiving on soyouvebeendumped.com and made a clean break from his ex which he says was the start of the healing process. He had grown tired of the questions like “what happened with your ex?” and “have you found someone new?” He eventually also got fed up dissecting it all after the split.

I literally felt 'talked out'! It definitely helped. The relationship with my parents definitely got stronger after the split. I have always been close to them, I'm not embarrassed to say that, but it was my mum I turned to, time and time again to talk, talk, and talk some more. Also, I learned that real friends are the ones you could talk to, week after week, about the same thing, often boring them silly, and that they would still be there supporting you.

In addition to talking, Bob coped by staying active both at night and during the days. It’s not uncommon for dumpees to take activity to the ‘extreme’ - as a way of being in denial – so while activity and productivity is good – don’t do it to the exclusion of working through the pain of the break-up.

I used to book up my diary so I was seeing someone every night. It helped just to be busy and could justify to myself that I was really trying. Sure, some nights were terrible, but some were good as well. I started going to the gym regularly and it did help lift my mood. Even though it was the middle of summer and there I was: sweating buckets in a gym, feeling alone, it gave me a structure in my life. I think structure is important. At the very least, it’s much more preferable than, as a worst-case scenario, sitting in your flat/house wallowing in self-pity.

The break-up certainly made Bob look at his life and he started asking important questions about where it was going. He decided to make a change or two.

I applied for University as a mature student to become a social worker. I'm halfway through the course now and am so glad I did it. I've also started some radio presenting/DJ work at the university which is something I'd wanted to do for years.

Bob feels like it’s a pleasant surprise to look back and see all the positive ways his life has changed since his break-up.

I'm surprised at how my feelings of relief came up. I am really glad it finished. We weren’t right for each other. At the time, I think I tried to make her the villain but in reality, I think she was the hero. She really had tried her best to finish as painlessly as possible.

When I turned around and said we needed to have 'no contact at all forever!', it really hit her hard. I know the split-up was very upsetting for her too. I just really hope she is doing well.

Overall, SYBD is an encyclopaedia of great advice. The no contact rule was great but hard rule to adhere to. Other things that spring to mind were so many messages like, 'if you were meant to be together, you would be' - which is something I strongly believe in. Just hearing other people's stories really helped a lot. My only regret was not finding this site sooner.

Bob thinks anyone going through a break-up needs to mourn for a bit and to go easy on themselves, but then to start to tackle the pain, head-on. Here are more survival tips from Bob.

1. It doesn’t matter how long it takes - some people take years to get over it.
2. Join a gym, take up hobbies.
3. Try and read more.
4. Do anything at first to take your mind off things.
5. Try and be as busy as you can, even if you don't feel like going out (which you won't), do it anyway.
6. Call on your friends for support - you'll have some pleasant surprises, they do really care for you.
7. Go to your family for support (if possible).
8. Try and change things in your life so you have new things to think about that aren’t associated with the ex.
9. Go on holiday, if your friends won't come - go alone.
10. Try traveling.
11. Opt for a career change.
12. Change up your flat or house, redecorate it - start afresh.
13. Each time you cry, remind yourself, it is a good thing. It's all part of the process of recovery.

Bob suggests that someone healing from a break-up needs to be honest with his or her self.

Only you know in your heart if the one you’re with is really your soul mate. Don't fall for the 'but no one else might not take me/may not find me attractive/this might be my last chance' rubbish. You need to remember that you are a good, lovable person and don't just settle by taking the first person who becomes available. I would also say keep your independence when in a relationship. Yes put 100% into the relationship, but don't forget about your friends, family, hobbies, dreams and your aspirations.

Even though, at the time, Bob was devastated – when he looked back at the relationship after a year or so – he realised it was one of the best things that could have happened to him. He realised he’d known all along she wasn’t really “the one” for him, but at the time he felt like his world had finished when it ended.

If I'm completely honest, the relationship was convenient for me, I like being in relationships and we seemed to get on ok, and we enjoyed each other's company. But we never really 'clicked', and we had many different interests and thoughts on life. I really should have been a bit more independent during the relationship, and not spent my spare time only being with her...but that is something I have learned for the future.

These days, Bob can now empathise with someone who is heartbroken, and feels like he could give good advice and point them in the right direction. His break-up has also helped him understand himself a lot better in terms of his actions and his feelings. Given his experience, he fully comprehends what is meant by being on an “emotional roller coaster” but he’s all the better for having survived the ride. Bob got busy, worked out, quit his job and went back to university to do social work. The break-up resulted in strengthening ties with his family and friends and allowed him the benefit of a greater self-awareness. While he is currently seeing someone new, he’s certain he will manage if they unthinkable were to happen. He survived once, he’ll do it again – after all he’s a survivor.

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS # 4 - Flip Flops for Ice Cream

2008-11-05T17:24:00.004Z

IT'S A BIT RUSHED

Apologies for my lack of timely posts this week. I've been rushed with film stuff and then got floored with a head cold. Today's rock bottom but I wanted to get something posted as it's Wednesday and a day for acts of kindness. This week's comes from Goldie...

One of my last random acts of kindness was on holiday. I decided to spend the day at the beach on my own. I went to the 'lagoon' which was a bit of a walk and you have to pay a few lira (Turkish) to get in as it's a protected area. The beach, whilst glorious is pebbly and can be very hard on the feet.

There was a couple on the next few sunbeds next to me and I heard her asking the sunshade guy if there was anywhere she could buy some cheap flip flops or shoes. There wasn't. All there was was a small beach hut selling snacks and drinks, the alternative being head back to town.

See, her shoes had broken and as they were only flip flops she couldn't walk on them. Seeing that their only options were swim round to town or piggy back off her husband (at their age, probably not the most sensible idea!) I offered her my shoes so they could walk into town and buy some more.

I got a Cornetto ice cream cone as a thank you, and very grateful they were too!

RETAIL THERAPY KINDNESS

Recently Ken and I went for a shop in Glasgow. It was a busy Sunday and the stores were heaving with folks as we searched for a winter coat for him.

One store, (about the sixth we went in), was having a birthday party and you could reach your hand into a box at get discounts up to 50% off.

I suspect the box was filled with 25% tickets (as that's what each of us got on first attempt).

Ken jokingly says to the kid with the box, "Any 50%-offs in there?" and the guy said "I'll look" and sure enough a few minutes later, he had found one in his box, walked over to us and handed it to Ken.

So since it was 50% off everything we had, we both had a little shopping spree! I picked up a hoodie that says "Soul Cal" and a black v-neck jumper which I just love. Ken got some jeans and a fabulous black winter coat. We were smiling for ages after that.

Not sure the guy's boss would have liked that "random act of kindness" - but we sure appreciated it, and to be fair, we spent more than we would have without it.

So there you go.

ASK SYBD: Should I Delete My Ex From Facebook (& other online networking sites)?

2008-11-03T14:44:00.004Z

ONLINE NETWORKING IS A MIXED BLESSING

When things are going good in life - those online networking sites can be a real treat. Facebook, MySpace, Bebo et al. When you break up though - it gets tricky.

"Delete or not to delete?" that is the question.

Just as "is it possible being friends with an ex?" is a common question or topic on So You've Been Dumped - so is how you handle breaking up in the Networking age.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS - UGH

It's a total nightmare seeing their status go from "in a relationship" to "single" or even back to "in a relationship" -- only this time with someone else! Ugh! (That's why I just leave my status as "it's complicated" - then if I am single or not - it doesn't change.)

I say "ignorance is bliss".

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE CAN BE CRUEL

Oh boy, don't even get me started on seeing their PHOTOS on their profiles. Sometimes they're with other people. Sometimes just them. Often they're out having fun and it feels like they're rubbing salt in a wound - (intentionally or not). Ouch!

What' worse is the fact that even if you delete your ex - you can still end up seeing the photos on your mutual friends pages. This is particularly an issue with Facebook...is it not?

So each week it seems that someone comes on to SYBD and posts a question about what to do with their Facebook (or other) site.

Should they delete the profile? Should the avoid the site? Should they delete the ex as a friend? What about the mutual friends?

Honestly who knew this stuff would get so complicated?

Recently, FIREMAN BRAD (Aka "Brad") had some good advice I thought I'd share with you...The thread is many merged threads on the topics of these social networking sites and the thread runs to five pages...I asked Brad if he'd mind if I used his words for the blog today and he said that was ok. So thanks Brad.

Brad says:

Guys and girls. You don't need to avoid these sites, you just need to manage the information getting back to you. You can do this in a number of ways.

1. Change your settings to reduce the alerts getting back to you from mutual friends etc.

2. Speak to any mutual friends and explain that you will be deleting them for a while. They should understand.

3. Delete or block an ex from your profile. This would require an embarrassing re-adding as a friend - should you want to stalk them which should be off-putting enough.

Failing that, have an almighty blazing row with your ex calling them all names under the sun (effing this and that etc) which should result in them deleting and blocking you, solving your problem in one fell swoop. This approach worked well for me.

I didn't see why I should stop having fun on Facebook because of an ex, and don't see why anyone else should either.

Treat Facebook as you would your life - in that you carry on with your life, but just amend your routine somewhat.

Brad

That's actually some pretty sage advice. Do what works for you. Any suggestions - feel free to log in and share them with us.

LISA DAILY: Dating Tips TV #1 - "What your drink says about your dating style"

2008-10-30T07:52:00.003Z

We at So You've Been Dumped - are pleased to bring you a new series to the blog - Lisa Daily's dating tips. We hope you like it.

DatingExpert.TV:

What Your Favorite Drink Says About Your Dating Style Is our choice of drink the key to a deeper understanding of our innermost thoughts, our reason for being; the single-malt answer to the depths of our souls? According to dating expert Lisa Daily and a few savvy bartenders, what your bar tab says about your personality may be more than you think.

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS # 3 - Charitable Giving at a Charity Event

2008-10-29T13:25:00.005Z

MORE KINDNESS

I love this post as done by Emily recently. I hope you find it as wonderful as I did when reading it.

"I was on the receiving end of a random act of kindness yesterday. I went to a charity raffle and a (very drunk) bloke at my table was looking at the list of prizes with me. He said he wanted the bottle of champagne, I said I rather fancied the silver necklace and earrings set. When the numbers were called, his got drawn fourth or fifth. Big drunken cheers all round! The champagne had already gone, and his prize, which they called out, was vouchers for a local restaurant. He went up to get it. When he came back he handed me a jewelery box. As the thing he'd wanted had gone, he'd asked them to swap his prize for the thing I wanted. This was from a virtual stranger who had no reason to do this other than to be gratuitously nice. I'm smiling."

Please keep them coming. I feel like doing something for someone anonymously today. Will look for opportunities to be of assistance and see if any present themselves.

ASK SYBD: Should I Move Away?

2008-10-27T23:38:00.005Z

Instead of seeing the rug being pulled out from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet. - Tom Crum

This was meant to be posted yesterday - but I spent my day as an "extra" on a BBC Sitcom - THE OLD GUYS. So this article is rather long-over-due, as the question was asked weeks ago. I simply have been that busy I didn't have much time to sit and address it. Even know I am not sure it's the greatest article on the planet, written whilst onset, but hopefully some food for thought.

Dear SYBD,

I've always wanted to move away from the area I am in, but been too afraid to try it. It's only been a few months from the split, but I am wondering if leaving down is the best option for me?

Thanks,

Slumbeautiful
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Beauty,

Pros and cons can be found for just about any situation or decision eh?

On the one hand, you say you’ve “always wanted” to do this, so maybe now is the time? But on the other, it’s only been a short period of time since your break up and perhaps more healing and planning might be better.

First of all, tell me, do you feel like you're running to something or away from it? What's your motive for leaving where you’re currently living?

THINGS TO CONSIDER

Let's look at both sides of the equation! I am sure there are many more pros and cons you can come up with if you sit down and do a list for yourself...but here are a few to get you started.

SUPPORT NETWORK

CON # 1 – doing a geographical can mean leaving behind a support network of family and friends and the life you know. Depending on the city or area you're thinking of going to, you may not have support there which could end up being a very lonely situation indeed.

It’s one thing if you have a bunch of friends or family members in the new area to call upon, but if you’re just lulled in by an idea to go somewhere "brand new" – it’s more than likely you’ll find yourself feeling more than a tad lonely after the buzz dies down. So think carefully,…

On the other hand…

EX-ENCOUNTERS

PRO # 1, there's little or no danger of bumping into your ex if you’re miles away – in a new town, state, city or country. That's always a bonus when trying to heal. Especially if they've moved on to someone new and you’ve had to bump into them! Outa-sight-outa-mind! Well that’s the theory. You can stop looking for them everywhere you go – the supermarket, concerts, driving down the street. That can be a load off – not having to look over your shoulder.

PAIN STAYS WITH YOU

CON # 2 – Is there a better living situation, job, support network where you’re heading? Or is it a case of you're fleeing from the scene of an emotional crime? Because I can pretty much guarantee that if you're trying to run in order to ex-scape the heartbreak - pain will likely resurface in you,…eventually.

The pain, (if you have any) that you have at “home” is likely to be with you somewhere else. It’s a part of you. Oh sure, at the beginning things will exciting, shiny and new in your new environment and you’ll be so distracted you’ll almost forget the pain’s there, but eventually as the novelty wears off, it’s likely you’ll end up right back where you started, emotionally anyway.

Does that mean it’s always a bad idea to do a geographical? Not at all. It can be life-changing and challenging and those are generally good things.

CHANGE OF SCENERY

PRO # 2 – By the same token though, heading outa Dodge, you’ll experience fresh, new scenery and not be haunted by memories of the places you lived, loved and visited with your ex.

Fresh start means just that – no one who knows your history – in a sense you can re-invent yourself. No baggage of people knowing about your situation or who you were with your ex. That’s incredibly liberating but at a cost…

IT’S STRESSFUL

CON # 3 – Going through a break up is one of what they (who every “they” is) call “Life Changes”. A “Death” is another one. “Starting a new Job” still another. When I was going through my big split of ’99 – my doctor said that normally people go through one or two “life changes in a year and then said, “Look Thea, you’re going through a break up, you moved house, you started a new job…” I am sure he said something else but I can’t remember – but he said I was going through even more stress than he’d hoped for – so it was no wonder I was so all-over-the-place and feeling decidedly unsettled.

So if you’re still reeling from a break up, you’re already having to cope with one big life change – think long and hard if you want to add more on top.

Many of us have had to move after a split (which as I say is a mixed blessing) but choosing to move to a completely new area – possibly away from your friends and family – might be even more stressful in the long run. Then, it might not. It depends on how you’re wired.

LIFE CHANGING

PRO # 3 – I think it was Susan Jeffers, in her book “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway”, who talks about “saying ‘Yes’ to life”. This can be an incredibly enriching and rewarding way to live your life. Being open to all possibilities and surrendering to what is.

So in summation – think about it long and hard. If you really don’t like your area, you don’t have a support network and you like a good challenge then – sure, why not consider it? It truly can be transformational. But if you’re really just running away in hopes of escaping the pain, you may want to reconsider.

If you own a place, perhaps you might think about renting it out and moving. Then you can see how you get on – whilst having a ‘safety net’ to fall back upon.

There is no hard/fast rule for getting the hell out of the area after a split. For some it will work and for others it might be far-too-challenging for them to cope. We don’t have long on this planet at the end of the day so I tend to lean toward action rather than inaction.

After my big split – I debated on going back home to America, moving down to London but I knew for me such upheaval would be too much for me to take. Instead I opted to move out of Glasgow – about 20 minutes so I could regroup. As I grew stronger I eventually moved back into town and bought my first house. I can never see the paths I didn’t take (London or California) but a decade on, almost, and I love my life and where I am at. I am glad I didn’t run away from Glasgow. It’s made me a stronger person by staying.

Again it come down to your reason for living. If you’ve always wanted to get away – then that’s different. That’s called seizing the day…but if you’re running way, I’d encourage you to stay at least long enough to ride it out on the path to recovery.

Good luck whichever course of action you take.

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY #2 Meet Rebecca

2008-10-24T10:11:00.008Z

SYBD CASE STUDY: Rebecca

Here is another chapter in my book called BOUNCED BACK. I hope you find the following inspirational. It was great for me to revisit her story and I am delighted to share this one with you.

Rebecca (Reb for short) is a thirty-three year old graduate student from Canada. She joined SYBD in August of 2003 when her brief, six-month relationship came to an unsatisfactory ending. She had met her ex at a birthday party thrown by a close friend in her own honor. The friend thought the two might get along well so she invited him to come, and making a good impression, he showed up with a thoughtful gift – gloves and mittens for jogging.

He seemed so thoughtful, interesting, sensitive and laidback, but I felt that we would be “just friends”, and over the next three months, the three of us hung out, jogging, going for breakfast, etc. The relationship progressed quite rapidly from there, with us spending every evening and night together for at least two months. We had a lot of interests in common, like skiing and biking and traveling to the mountains. He even brought me little, thoughtful presents almost every time I saw him. He was a doctor, fit, attractive, wealthy, and adventurous.

What more could a girl ask for? Well a bit more, it would seem…because within a few months, things started to change for Reb in oh-so-subtle ways.

First of all, he could not seem to break off ties with his ex-girlfriend, who was depressed and lonely. He claimed he was her only friend, making it sound like he was sensitive and caring and couldn’t abandon her. My problem was that he’d see her and not tell me about it. And one night, we had a date, and he showed up three hours late because one of his other female friends had asked him to dinner and he felt he couldn’t say no and hurt her feelings (or tell her that he had a girlfriend).

These were certainly some warning signs for Reb to take note of. If someone starts to lie about the little things – what else will he or she lie about? Also it’s disappointing when you are spending a lot of time with someone and they refuse to tell their family and friends about your existence.

I started to feel like I wasn’t following some sort of script that he had playing in his head. He would get frustrated at small, insignificant things. The one example that sticks in my head is the time we went biking with some of his friends, and he wouldn’t speak to me afterward because somehow I “biked funny” and embarrassed him! At the time, this behavior was odd and subtle, but now I see it as controlling, in that he felt he had to control the way everything progressed. The mother of his child used to leave these wild messages on his answering machine, screaming that she knew what he was up to, that he might have his new girlfriend fooled, but that he couldn’t control HER. He passed it off as her being crazy, but when our relationship ended, I thought “aha! she was right!”

The relationship came to an end over a folk festival in the city of all things. Well that was not the reason, but rather the catalyst for change. She didn’t fancy going and suggested he take his son along. When a mutual friend bumped into them – he was with his “depressed” ex girlfriend.

I confronted him that night, saying that it was the deceit that made me angry, and that it must mean that he had something to hide. We met for coffee the next morning and he said that our relationship had gone too fast, that we should slow things down and just be friends for a while. And then (this was the best part), that we could “re-date” later on, but this time “do it the right way”. I said that it wouldn’t matter, that we would always end up at this same place. He still claims that I broke up with him, since I wouldn’t follow along in his master plan. And sure enough, a few months late, he tried to grab my hand and insinuate himself back in.

Regardless of who ended it and why, it was a painful thing for Reb to come to terms with and she struggled. First she didn’t really eat and ended up losing ten pounds. Then she realized she needed to drink meal replacement supplements to get by in lieu of eating. The shock was overwhelming.

HE had initiated all the talks about love, and moving in, and getting married. HE had cleared out half his closet to make room for my stuff and talked about having a child together. Then I moved on to sadness and self-pity. WHY couldn’t I be the one? WHY couldn’t it have worked out this time? I was very embarrassed, to tell my family and friends and coworkers that yet another relationship had failed. I think it took me a very long time to actually get angry, to look at HIS life patterns and see that he had treated me exactly the same way as his other girlfriends, and that his history was full of on-again-off-again relationships.

The break-up feels like a different lifetime ago for Reb. She’s taken some time out and healed. She took a cold, hard look at her relationship patterns and found some disappointing discoveries. One failed relationship after another.

Nothing had really changed. I was confusing anxiety (“does he like me??”, “will he call??”) with passion. Now that I have released that need, I feel so much happier and centered. Don’t get me wrong, I still remember the pain and suffering that used to grip me in my stomach, but I realize now that it is a sign that some things need to change.

Sometimes it’s too hard to make improvements all on our own and we need to get professional help or support. Reb used this experience as an opportunity to look inside herself and confront some demons lurking there.

I got some one-on-one counseling and also joined the SYBD website and got a lot of positive feedback and advice. I realized that I was so afraid of someone not wanting to be with me, that I never stopped to see if THEY were right for me. I lived a lot of my past relationships in my head, dating some fictional character, and then being shocked when “out of the blue” they dumped me.

Reb made a vow to focus her energy on herself and see what ways she could improve herself. She worked hard at banishing her negative thoughts (no easy feat when agonizing over a break-up). I had suggested to Reb to come up with a “mental bouncer” that would guard her thoughts and not allow her negative ones to take root. They, I suggested, should “literally be kicked to the curb”. So she tried it and found that with practice she had success with it. Though it was challenging, Reb upheld the No Contact rule and felt that it helped her move on much easier than when they were in contact.

Her tips to the newly dumped are as follows:

1. Get some personal counseling.

2. Find a like-minded support group like SYBD, a place where people won’t get tired if you repeat yourself over and over again.

3. It really wasn’t meant to be. Even if you thought they were the best thing to ever walk this earth, if they didn’t love you or want to be with you, then they weren’t the right person for you. In order to do this, you might need to take a really good, objective look at that person – if you can’t see ANYTHING wrong with them, then perhaps you need to take off your rose-coloured glasses.

4. Try not to rebound! I made this mistake, and when I was dumped six weeks into that relationship, it all came crashing down even harder. In my case, it’s almost like I had to go through it in order for the point to be really hammered home. But try to get the message the first time. ;-)

5. Especially in the beginning, make sure you treat yourself well – don’t leave the house looking like crap, or you’ll just feel like crap. And women, wear your lippy! Or you’ll end up bumping into your ex like I did, when you haven’t showered in days!

6. Try to not focus on the “why” or the “how” of the breakup. If it’s over, it’s over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move forward. I would obsess over the fact that one guy broke up with me over the phone. The coward! On the other hand, there is no good way to dump or get dumped. That can keep you from really getting the point.

7. You can’t change people. And just because they don’t come running back to you, saying they made the worst mistake of their life, doesn’t mean that you are any less of a wonderful person. A relationship is the chemical reaction between two people, or the fitting together of two blocks. A lack of reaction or a wrong fit doesn’t mean either part is deficient.

8) Try not to focus on the “maybe s/he’ll want me back”. My ex tried to insinuate himself back in, but I would have been just putting myself back at square one if I’d gone along with it.

When things get tough, and they always will in life, you want someone who’s going to be there through it all. Someone who wants to work things through.

So if s/he has broken things off, you are either not the right one for them (most likely), or they are playing hot/cold with you, and either way, you deserve better. I felt embarrassed that I’d been dumped by him once, but I would have felt way worse to have been dumped by him twice.

These days Reb feels like a new woman – more at home in her own skin. Her spirit is calmer and less clouded with worries about her future. She changed her dating style and made guys work a little harder.

At the time I hated the idea of dating more than one person in the beginning, it was definitely a good thing for me. It helped me keep my perspective. And when I found myself really liking one guy (and NOT the one I would have ever expected!), it was easy to let go of the others. And that’s my final point here – I’ve ended up with a guy unlike the kind I had ever thought I’d be with. But I’m with him because he makes me a priority, calls me, adores me, tells me I’m beautiful every day, and rushes home to be with me every evening. These were not qualities on my radar before. The break-up, and what it opened up, led me to realize that the focus is ME, not some guy.

It definitely led to think about what is really important to me in a relationship, and for some reason, this was quite hard. It forced me to look at my upbringing and how I had developed some of my values.

She’s left her native Canada to move in with him in Seattle. She feels that once you learn to make your happiness a priority instead of just “being with someone”, you begin to get it all. And the confidence you gain in looking after yourself spills over into other aspects of your life. If you know you can survive a horrible pain, you are willing to take more chances. Sage advice indeed.

Thanks to Rebecca for your honesty and candor on this subject. If you'd like to be a case study for SYBD - and help to inspire others - then get in touch via soyouvebeendumped.com.

LIGHT HUMOUR FOR A RAINY THURSDAY,...

2008-10-23T10:52:00.004Z

Well TomWinter posted a link on the forum that was quite silly-but-cute, and so we thought we'd share it with you. It's called THE EIGHT PHASES OF DATING. Have a read and tell me, how true is it? Keep smiling!

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS # 2: Ways to Be Kind to Others

2008-10-22T08:32:00.005Z

Following on from last week's blog, where Husky was given a helping hand by a helpful scooter stranger...This week, I thought I'd share the words from long-term benefactor Eva - now these are less "RANDOM" acts of kindness and more, merely suggestions as ways to be kind. In any event, they're constructive suggestions.

DONATE BLOOD

This is something that is needed all over the world!

VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME AND HELP

-- Visit shut-ins or those in hospitals or nursing homes who don't get visitors.

-- Get involved with a local pet therapy group at your local hospital. Watching patients' faces light up when they get a visit from a playful dog makes my eyes well up.

-- If you have an elderly relative or neighbor, make a list of their medications for them and have them keep it in their wallet, help them organize their medications, take them to a medical appointment, make sure they know who to call in an emergency and review signs and symptoms of heart attacks and strokes. Tack down cords and rugs to try to prevent trip hazards in the home.

-- Volunteer at your local school, homeless shelter, animal shelter, hospital or church.

-- Volunteer with the Special Olympics.

-- Volunteer for your local Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts. (When it is Girl Scout Cookie time, I don't buy the cookies as the troops only get a very small amount from the cookie sales...and I don't need to eat those cookies. Instead, I give them cash...that way they to use every penny. I am a big supporter of the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts. I was a Girl Scout up until I graduated from high school. I was a Girl Scout leader in college. I give to the local Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts and often speak to troops on career days and help them with first aid training. My pitch is over.)

SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE

Write letters and thank you cards..to friends, grandparents, troops currently serving..anyone who would love to hear from you.

GIVE THE GIFT OF READING

Read to children at the local library. If you have old books, donate them to the library. Volunteer with a literacy organization.

Some wonderful ways to extend yourself there, Eva, thanks for that.

I especially like the one about thanking people. It's such a little thing to do. You can do it sending a wee email, text message or posting on a social networking profile. You can pick up the phone. You can write a postcard. You can send a hand-written letter. Remember them?

TICKET TO RIDE?

The other day, Kenneth and I went to town on the subway, and as we arrived back to my stop, he no longer needed his ticket, so he handed it to a stranger who was going toward the station. I am not sure the public transport system would like that one, but I sure did smile to myself when he did that. (I'd have done it too but mine is a week long ticket!) :)

If you don't take the tube, or the bus but tend to drive...Why not pass on your "pay and display" parking ticket if they're time left. Or if you see someone running out of time on the meters, add a coin. Pay the bridge or express toll for someone who is behind you...There's plenty for you to do.

KINDER LIFE

I really have been taking these principles on board, once more, since starting this series. I am actively seeking one thing I can do that's kind to another person - whether it's someone I know or not. Sometimes I really have to actively search for something to do - and other times the opportunity just presents itself. What we put out comes bouncing back, often, ten-fold - the more good you put out the more good you get back.

But of course true giving comes without expectation of anything in return.

Oh and speaking of giving and of thanking people, I personally want to thank those of you who made generous donations in the past week. You know who you are. You're absolute stars in my eyes. Thank you so much. SYBD would be nothing without the kindness of site members! It'd have closed a long time ago! xxx

"It is better to give than to receive" - actually both are quite good. Have a lovely day!

ASK SYBD: HOW LONG DOES THE PAIN LAST?

2008-10-20T15:06:00.006Z

This week's "ASK SYBD" is a rather-two-fold one which aims to answer the questions - "How long will the pain last?" and "I am doing all the right things, why aren't I over it". Both slight variations on the same theme as you'll agree. I'll tackle the first part and then hand over to benefactor HUSKY to answer the second bit.

QUESTION ONE: HOW LONG WITH THE PAIN LAST?

One of the most common queries on So You've Been Dumped is - “how long does it take to get over a break-up?” Though there is no answer to such a question, one thing does appear to be true - the length of the relationship does not always correlate to how long it takes to get over it.

There have been plenty of theories over the years about the healing process. Some people argue that it takes anywhere from a third to half of the time of the relationship to get over it – so depending on which one you believed, a six-year relationship could take either two or three years to recover from fully.

If that were the case, then I wonder why it took me close to two years to get over a six-week relationship and less time to get over my relationships that lasted several years?

Hmmm, the fact is there are no time scales because we are all so unique. That said, I personally estimate that it can often take about two years to get over a serious relationship – taking into account that any given person may define “serious” differently.

Yes, some people take less time, but some a lot longer and others never really get over a break-up fully.

Many people panic when I tell them that it can take a few years to fully recover, but I am not saying you will feel the pain for that whole time. I am saying you may find yourself a year down the road and something triggers old emotions you had long since thought had vanished. By the time you’ve gone through all of the stages and experienced some highs, lows, slips or setbacks, it can be a year or two years down the road when you realise you no longer have any attachment to that person and are unaffected by news of their nuptials, babies, or whatever.

Most people refuse to take the time to heal properly and end up doing anything they can to fast-forward their way through it. This can mean dating before they are really over their EX (rebounding), working too much, drinking or doing drugs – anything to escape the pain.

The aim of soyouvebeendumped.com is to help people suffering from a break up (or divorce) to heal at a natural and healthy speed – that is to say - not too fast but not too slow either. It is my hope that doing so will result in laying stronger foundations for future relationships.

So more often than not when people ask how long it will take, I want to respond with one of two things “how long is a piece of string?” or “it will take as long as it takes”. Neither of which would help the seeker on their path.

The trick is to not get too bogged down with it all. Throw out the calendar. Stop counting the days. Trust that you will get over it when you’re ready to. Each day you’re a little more over it – even when it feels like you’re not. It’s like dieting. You don’t see it on a day to day level but you do when you look at the bigger picture (or yo

QUESTION TWO - I'M DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS - WHY AREN'T I OVER IT?

As I mentioned, back by popular demand, after last week's story on RANDOM KINDNESS, HUSKY'S back to answer this common question.

It's been a few weeks or months since the breakup, and you no longer feel like you've been hit by a train. You've stopped contact and stopped crying. You've read self-help books, been jogging to get those endorphins flowing, taken up a new hobby and had lots of nights out with your mates.

While you're relishing your free and single existence, ready and able to let a new love into your life when the opportunity arises...or are you?

You're not sad, but you're not particularly happy either. You're just...blah. Stuck. Plateauing. You're sure you used to enjoy life before the ex came along, so why can't you now? You should be over it!

The first thing to do is eliminate the word 'should' from your vocabulary. Nobody can tell you what you should or shouldn't be feeling - not your friends, not your family, not even you. There's no set timetable for recovering from a broken heart, and if you dwell on why you're not getting better you may set yourself back further.

Are there specific things that make you blue - a particular situation or time of day? Try changing your routine to avoid them. If you find yourself at a loose end at weekends, plan a trip. Hate seeing couples holding hands in the park? Walk home another way.

If you feel stuck in a rut, what could you do to change it? Maybe now is the time to think about moving house or a career change. Move your life in a new direction.

But often there's no cause or pattern to the feelings. You might describe yourself as 'a bit down' or 'out of sorts', or, if you wanted a more impressive word, suffering from 'malaise'. A malaise is literally an illness, so what's the prognosis?

If there was a mathematical equation for 'getting over it', it would include two factors. Let's call them T for Time and E for Effort. T times E equals R for Recovery. (There would probably be other letters involved - X for Ex, for example - but I never was any good at algebra.)

No matter how many new activities you hurl yourself into, you still need Time as well as Effort. You can't hurry yourself over a breakup any more than you could train for a marathon in one weekend of intensive exercise. But equally, you still won't be ready for that marathon in a year's time if you don't work hard for it. T times E.

What makes you so sure you aren't getting better? Maybe you don't notice your own progress, but it's hard to spot gradual changes. You don't notice a plant growing day by day, but photograph it every day for a week or a month and you'll see it shooting up from picture to picture.

You can apply a similar technique to your life. Keep a mood diary - every night, give the day you've just had a score out of 10. Those marks do keep climbing up, even if there's an occasional dip.

If you're really stuck and there seems to be no joy in your world at all, seek help. How can you tell if you're clinically depressed? If you've been feeling down for many months with no sign of improvement, if nothing brings you genuine happiness even for a moment, if your friends are starting to drift away because you're no fun any more, then it might be time to ask a professional for advice. You don't feel like that? Lucky you - you're all right!

Finally, remember that it's normal to have the odd wistful moment of wishing you had someone, no matter how full and happy your life is. When you're in a relationship, you might well find yourself casting an occasional envious glance at your single friends. Until then, keep seizing all the opportunities your free and easy lifestyle brings!

Thanks Husky! I will leave you readers with one small peice of advice written years ago on SYBD but a tidbit I've always loved,...It is imperative to know that when it first happens to you, "you will have desperate days, awful days, bad days, and okay days. In time though, the awful days will become bad days; the bad days will become okay days; and okay days will actually become GOOD days." I think it came from a member called baloo - but don't quote me on that. It's a cracker.

Just a little reminder "This too shall pass". Happy healing. With love from SYBD.

"BOUNCED BACK" - SUCESS STORY # 1: Meet Mark

2008-10-17T14:06:00.007Z

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORIES

Over the yeas I've witnessed tens of thousands of stories on SYBD and on occasion I have asked site members to fill out a survey about their story and those lessons learned. There are now three hundred pages of stories (and counting) - so I thought each week I'd share a story about how a site member has bounced back from heartbreak. I hope you find their stories as inspirational as I do! First up is a gorgeous Englishman (I know I met him once!)...

Mark’s Story

Mark is a handsome, successful thirty-one year old Londoner. He logged onto SYBD in early 2003 when his relationship of more than ten years ground to a halt and he found himself struggling to cope in the aftermath. He met his ex-girlfriend while working his way through his education.

I was working at Burger King in the evenings whilst at college, and I worked with some of her friends, so through hanging out with them, I met her. We also went to the same college and drank in the same pub. She told her friend that she liked me and the rest is history. I went up to her one night and started chatting to her and things developed from there.

We both loved each other with all our hearts but we got together too young and ultimately as we grew older we wanted different things from life.

While living together in Brighton, things came to an unfortunate end. They’d been living together in Brighton, while he commuted to work in London.

I remember she called me up and said she wanted to go out with her friends that night. I made a fuss saying it was Valentine’s Day, and that was the beginning of her staying in town at her brother’s for a week. After that week, she came back down to the flat and said she wasn't in love with me anymore and we wanted different things. She was very adamant that the relationship was over.

I was gutted. She broke my heart in a way I could not imagine. I cried a lot and couldn't stop thinking of her. Any song would make me think of our relationship. I couldn't get a grip of my 'new' life. Work was hard, and I couldn't concentrate. I definitely couldn't sleep and I was off eating for a while too.

To cope, like so many, Mark went into party mode. He was going out all the time, getting “trashed” with his other single friends and did his best to not get too depressed. To do so, he took some strong action.

I was just shocked, hurt, angry etc. Once I made the decision to leave the UK, things began to get better. When I came to Australia, and met lots of other people, I gained confidence again in myself. I had spent ten years with a side kick, as it were, and now I was on my own. I was worried that I'd be on the scrap heap and no girl in their right mind would want to be with me. As soon as I started to realise that the relationship wasn't all that good and that people liked me for who I was, then I started to see the light.

Since the split, Mark has gradually started to seize life. His personal confidence is good and he’s carved out a new life for himself down under and despite his low moments, he likes who he has become.

I have learned to live on my own and understand that life does go on after a break up. It's what everyone in a relationship fears. The breaking up. I don't worry about that anymore therefore I feel as though I can get on with things without worrying. I got a new job and moved to Australia on my own to find work and adventure. I realised one day that someone who wasn't in my life anymore was still making me unhappy, and that annoyed me, so I decided to make positive changes in my life. It felt as though someone took away ten years of my life and I was playing catch-up.

Mark eventually came to the conclusion he’s moved on and he’s more than a little surprised about where he arrived.

I actually felt like I would ALWAYS want her back and could never see a day when I would not hurt. Everyone kept saying time is a healer and I didn't believe them. I was offered the opportunity to get back with her about twelve months after we split up and I said “no”.

I couldn't believe I was saying no, but my heart had healed and it just wasn't letting me get hurt again. Every time my head thought about getting back with her, my heart would step in and say 'No way Buster, it ain't going to happen'. That is why now the best thing I have learned from all of this is that the heart is always right. Always lead with your heart and not your head and you'll be OK. Your heart is always right.

Mark would be first to advise a newly-dumped person that time is a great healer. He’d suggest they listen and learn from other people who have been in the same situation and be strong.

Breaking up does make you a better, stronger person. It's a life-changing situation that a lot of people don't take the time turn the experience into something that benefits them.

Don't contact your ex. Try and just accept that someone has ended it and that means something in the relationship is wrong. Don't plead, beg or even try to understand as the ex will not always be honest and open. They have moved on and they want you to do the same. My advice would be that if someone ends it, then walk away with your head held high and move on building your own life and experiences. There are so many wonderful opportunities out there in life. Go get ’em...

Mark is now more relaxed when it comes to relationships. He is the first to admit, however, that he does still have a brick wall that is “rather hard to penetrate” these days. He is now more focused on looking after himself and getting the most from his life. It’s brought him closer to his good friends and given him a confidence though independence.

RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS # 1: A Scooter Diary

2008-10-15T12:48:00.005Z

PAYING IT FORWARD (OR BACKWARD)- RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS - ON SYBD

These are something that get talked a lot about on SYBD. In most cases, the tales have happened to the person doing the writing. I like to be on both the giving and the receiving end of these random acts (...who doesn't?) So I thought each week (or so) we're going to be featuring another story about kindness shown. Why? Because it's nice to be nice, and it's good to be inspired by other people. I have now taken it upon myself to try to do one act a day. It can be something as simple as letting someone in ahead of me in traffic (or at the grocery store), leaving someone a message on their profile, simply letting someone know I appreciate them, or it can be a bit bigger with more thought planned out. Hopefully you'll be inspired to simply do something nice for someone else - not so you get something back - but just because it feels good to GIVE.

The first submission comes from a London-based, Scooter-loving gal, Husky:

I'd been out for the evening with a friend and got back to my scooter around 10PM to ride home. I smiled and nodded at the other biker in the parking bay, put my helmet on and set off.

Ten metres later, my scoot sputters and dies.

I start up, set off, it sputters and dies again. Repeat twice; sit staring at dashboard in despair. The fuel light went on fairly recently and I usually get a good 15 miles out of the reserve, so I don't know how this has happened, but it has.

Meanwhile the other guy from the bike bay has got going - but instead of roaring off into Bloomsbury he stops beside me. This is why you should always nod and smile!

"Out of petrol?" he asks. He's Australian, about my age, riding a small Gilera motorcycle.

"Looks like it," I reply, then add "I'd better ring the AA," so he won't think I'm angling for him to go and fetch me some fuel (which I am).

"Want to hop on the back and I'll take you to the garage?"

I assent with gratitude and ascend with a clumsy legover. Yes Ma, I got on the back of a complete stranger's bike at half-past ten at night in Camden, trusting in the international biking fraternity to keep me safe. (If it looked like we were leaving W1 for some seedy crack den, I planned to tip myself off the back.) At the first set of traffic lights he introduced himself as Neil and asked my name.

At the petrol station I bought a can and a fiver's worth of unleaded, and we returned with the container jammed between us. Once I'd filled my tank he excused himself on the grounds of having to get up early the next morning and we parted with a handshake and many injunctions to take care and ride safe.

Thank you, Neil, wherever you are, for turning a disaster into an adventure!

Excellent story. Thanks for sharing Husky,...If you have a story you want to contribute - please log onto the forum to the PAY IT FORWARD thread and tell us about it...

While it's always fun to be nice to people we know - it can be even more exhilarating to do something nice for a complete stranger. Try it and tell us about it! Thank you for reading.

ASK SYBD: "HOW CAN MY EX MOVE ON SO QUICKLY?"

2008-10-14T11:36:00.006Z

“How Can My Ex Move On So Quickly?”

This is one of the most common questions (in some shape or form) that is asked nearly every day on SYBD. Mostly the question is coming from someone who is hurt and bewildered at an ex’s behaviour post-dump. Their horrified that the ex is moving on in what seems like hours, or days after a split. What is seemingly over night for the dumpee – can actually be much longer from the dumper’s standpoint. Read on as this week, forum member and SYBD Benefactor, Kylie Nexus answers the question.

Even though we can never really decipher the actions and words of another person, we try. We obsess our way through our hurt, confusion and even anger that’s spawned from the breakup, and most likely end up with completely erroneous conclusions on the matter.

What a dumpee must recognise is that, though it seems like it’s happened “over night” for them, for the dumper it’s been a more gradual process. The end of a relationship, for them, doesn’t necessarily take place when they break up with their partner - rather it is likely that for weeks (possibly months and maybe even years) before they actually end the relationship/marriage, they’re emotionally detaching and distancing themselves.

This is often shown in a change of behaviour towards their partner and the relationship; like spending less time together, refusing sex, and lack of communication, possibly even secrecy regarding their whereabouts and activities when they’re not with their partner.

As the “dumper” is emotionally detaching themselves from their partner, they have the space and distance needed to come to terms with the demise of the relationship. They’re having time to deal with their romantic feelings for their partner, and sadly, they have time to get over their partner with that, so when they end the relationship, it’s likely that they’re leaving it with a lot less emotional baggage than the person who’s just been broken up with.

This is often why, when the relationship is over, the dumper’s ready to move on and date. In a lot of cases, the ex will immediately start dating some one right away or begins playing the field. When there is seemingly no down time at all before they’re in another relationship, it leaves the dumpee to feel like it’s happened over night.

So often this can be a very baffling and painful experience for the person who’s been just left. More often than not, they assume that their ex didn’t care about them, or were cheated on, that the relationship meant nothing, or that their ex doesn’t care about the pain they’re in.

Surprising as it may seem, this is not actually the case (in most instances). It’s merely that the ex has had time to come to terms with this new path in life, and the dumpee is hurt/heart-broken.

The dumper assumes that because they’ve moved on emotionally over the time they’ve had to make their decision to end the relationship, then they can date again - but the dumped person assumes that this is a completely new situation for both parties and not knowing that their ex has already been detaching from them for some time, views their ex moving on seemingly fast as something that’s wrong, hurtful and insensitive. But the ex has been able to deal with their feelings regarding the breakup, and that’s why they can move on so quickly.
Kylie Nexis

Thanks Kylie…

There are dozens of threads along this vein every week in fact, but a current one asks “How Long Did They Plan On Leaving Us?” A question of course that has no answer – because every break up is a little different – but the thread offers perspectives from people who have been on both sides of the dumping fence. Myself included.

I found when it happened to me - I eventually arrived at the point where I realised it didn't matter how long he'd been thinking about leaving me. The fact was it was over and the only thing I could do was get over it.

HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING @ SYBD?

2008-10-10T10:01:00.004Z

FACE LIFT FOR BABY

'Been having some great chats with some wonderful, talented, creative people - who are offering to give SYBD a much-needed make over. The poor site has been left dangling in the wind for far too long, (shame on me!), but will be spruced up real pretty, very soon. I hope within the next few weeks, but frankly it's a little out of my hands when I am relying on other people to do the work! So, it will get done, when it gets done. Very zen-like of me, I know, but hey, it disguises my frustration just a little - of having to rely on other creative people to do this for me!

But in any event, I am excited to have a new, fresher site, which is easier to navigate and is more search-engine friendly! Win / win / win. Watch this space! And we're trying to raise the bar on the content level here too, which brings me nicely to my next topic...

NEW(YOU)SLETTER

Currently SYBD needs people to help write copy for the blog and new(you)sletter. (Please sign up for it now. We'll only be sending one out every two months - so you don't need to worry about being SPAMMED by us. Honestly.)

So if you fancy yourself as a budding writer - then why not email in some story ideas to Thea (at) soyouvebeendumped dot com. In return for your time and effort, we'll link to your site, blog, or product. We may even find some goodies to send by way of thanks.

The whole aim of the new(you)sletter is to help you be the best possible you that you can be! Sometimes we need a kick up the backside to really get us motivated to take action. That's what we'll do for you! There are some great pieces about "finding yourself" after a split, 10 ways to empower yourself (anytime), success stories and more.

WONDERFUL DISCUSSIONS ON OUR FORUM (as usual!)

Please note: you need to be a member to view our forum. But good news, it's FREE to join!

There are some fabulous threads on the forums - as ever. Like, in the DUMPED ZONE, what happens when you're in your forties and your husband comes in, sits you down and tells you he's leaving?

Of course SYBD is not all "doom and gloom" there are plenty of up beat success stories to be found!

In the SINGLE LIVING forum, we have a wonderful, long-standing thread where members add their own personal #1 best/worst thing about being single.

There is also a thread about a gentleman who just passed his one year anniversary since his break up and has gone on to achieve wonderful feats in the process!

BREAK-UP LINES FROM CAMP DUMPED

We have a ever-growing list of some of the funniest, most bizarre break up lines. Many of which have wound up in a book I've written called "Goodbye My Lover". We add new lines to the list every few weeks (and subtract others). There have been more than a 1000 sent in. Some are classic, some are harsh, some are indecipherable, but all of which are real.

SYBD ON SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES:

Find us on Delicious and Twitter

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

2008-09-30T09:44:00.003Z

YESTERDAY'S KNEE-JERK JUDGMENT

I am listening to the radio show that I had blogged yesterday (before I had given it a full chance)...in its entirety. I hadn't read the whole blurb and only played the first part which was perhaps a bit premature in forming an opinion and posting a blog. I really do recommend it now - it's quirky and less about breaking-up and more about writing a song about the experience. Yes, I should have read the blurb about the show before I 1) listened to it and 2) blogged it. My bad. Anyway if you have some time (about an hour) you might like a listen...It's pretty good, even if you're not a Phil Collins fan. Ha.

BREAKING UP RADIO SHOW- ON US PUBLIC RADIO

2008-09-29T16:33:00.005Z

BREAKING UP

One of our new site members has recommended the following link to hear a thirty minute radio program about breaking-up.

To be honest, what I've heard sounded a bit generic and cliched (from my point of view). It probably won't tell you anything you don't already know, but some of the newer visitors to SYBD may find comfort in its message. So that's why I'll promote it. As Susan Jeffers suggests - if you find anything useful hold onto it and I am a firm believer that inspiration can come from anywhere!

A year or two ago I produced my own one-hour radio show which is available to "benefactors" on SYBD...(who get invited to an exclusive, private, hidden Facebook group)...and one day some of those interviews may just see the light of day as a full length feature. Well that's the plan at any rate. Enjoy.

INSPIRATION EVERYWHERE

2008-09-16T13:00:00.001Z

I FEEL INSPIRED!

I believe it was Mahatma Gandhi who said - "As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it." Which I totally agree with.

Truly I can get little messages in conversations, TV shows, songs and simply looking out my window. Inspiration is literally everywhere,...

The other day inspiration came from a random, not terribly unusual conversation with my dear friend Nic. She had discovered a cool podcast by a woman named Byron Katie through Oprah's Soul Series. I checked it out and liked what I found so much I'm telling anyone who will listen. Then today when reading a thread called "8 Months, Still So Obsessed" I decided to write not only a reply to him, but also an article for SYBD on Byron Katie. In the article you'll see how I am applying the principles to the challenge/s in my own life.

BBC RADIO SCOTLAND - BREAK UP LINES

This morning, it was a brief visit to Pacific Quay to chat to Fred MacAulay on his radio show. It's always a gas doing Fred's show -- even if he did take the piss out of me after I genuinely complimented him on his shirt! (Incidentally I was wearing a lovely V-neck knit sweater!)

Anyway, the topic of break-up lines is one of my favorite topics. On the show he had two high school kids reporting how they'd dumped and been dumped. Bebo seems to be a more common method (as are MySpace and Facebook) but the guy's dumping line he'd used was priceless..."I'm gonna be too busy golfing to see you this summer". Class!

Getting ready for the show meant - revisiting my own break up lines book and has made me more determined than ever to release the book - which is already written and sitting here on the hard drive! It's tentatively called "Goodbye My Lover". See a sample of lines on So You've Been Dumped's Break Up Lines page! Keep the lines coming...There's been thousands over the years and that page is constantly re-generated (lines are added and subtracted each month!)

Lunch time!

ASK SYBD: Sleepless Nights...How to combat insomnia

2008-09-12T16:43:00.007Z

THIS IS THE FIRST IN OUR WEEKLY SERIES OF "ASK SYBD" QUESTIONS.

Lost Girl writes: “Hi Thea - I found sleep extremely difficult during the early days of my split (still not brilliant, but better). So how do I go about getting a more settled sleep?”

Dear Sleepless on SYBD, I mean Lost Girl,

As someone who is rather prone to stress, I speak from experience on this particular subject. Like most people, any time I seem to be going through any sort of emotional turmoil – my sleep patterns go out of whack. Quieting the mind down can be seemingly impossible as we play mental tapes in our head over and over again.

Over the years I’ve tried a variety of different methods – which worked with varying degrees of success. I thought I’d maybe share a few personal tips with you and, as it’s such a universal topic on the site, I will share a few of those from the forum. Hope you find them useful.

LAVENDER DROPS

One of my main tips is to have a small bottle of lavender to drop a dot or two on each pillow. As it’s a natural remedy for depression, soothing nerves, and calming us down, I usually carry a wee bottle with me any time I travel, as well, to ensure I get a good night’s rest. So visit a chemist or pharmacy to pick up a little bottle of lavender oil today!

SPLASH IT OUT

Taking a warm bath before bed, particularly using soothing aromatherapy oils, (like the aforementioned Lavender oil) can relax you and thus help you drift off to sleep when the time comes. This is my number one night time ritual. Seldom do I attempt to sleep without one!

VENT IT OUT

Another thing I do, depending on the thoughts going through my head at the time, is pull out a notebook and write out everything that is swirling through my head. Once I’ve done a “brain dump”, effectively, I usually can fall asleep with a much more peaceful mind.

READ IT OUT

Instead of watching TV before bed, find yourself a good book to read to take you mind off of things. Nothing too heavy or violent – though. Again, personal development books can be good here, light fiction, business books or biographies all seem to work for me!

WORK IT OUT

Exercise is a wonderful way to combat insomnia. Different people feel that working out at different times helps them. For some people – morning or day time might be best – others claim that night time before bed works. Work out whenever suits you and give it a whirl. If you are going for the night time work out, perhaps aim for something more like Yoga or Palates rather than an out and out session at the gym!

CHILL OUT

Avoid TV before bed. Instead why not give meditation a try? I know it works for many people, (though it’s not something I’ve mastered myself). So I tend to opt for relaxation or even personal development CDs that I can play while in bed. Usually I am asleep before the CD’s over (and hoping some of it sinks in subliminally!)

DRINK IT OUT

Avoid alcoholic drinks if possible, because as tempting as it may be, and though it may knock you out for a night – alcohol is a depressant and will end up making you feel worse in the long run. Instead opt for warm milk or Ovaltine (Magnesium is "nature's tranquilliser") or non-caffeinated drinks before bed.

SNUGGLE UP

Select comfortable and clean bedding and sleepwear. There is nothing so soothing and cosy as sliding into a freshly-laundered bed. Hey and while you’re at it, why not considering using a lavender fabric softener for extra softness? Or something like Boot's "Sleep Easy" pillow mist can work a treat!

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

Instead of counting sheep, count your blessings. Try to adjust your thinking pattern off of your lack of sleep – and try to find reasons to be grateful. We can all find reasons to be miserable if we want to (it’s probably what’s keeping you up at night) but have a mental shift to the good things in life – family, friends, a job, a roof over your head – whatever you can come up with.

Just do your best to "accentuate the positive".

DON’T STEW

If you’re really struggling to get off to sleep then get out of the bed for a little while rather than laying there watching your clock – tick tock. Sometimes I'll get up, have a bowl of cereal, check my email, and stay awake for maybe an hour before going back to sleep. It usually works...

CLOSE YOUR EYES

Whenever I have insomnia (or jetlag), my dad always reminds me that simply closing my eyes and resting them is as beneficial as sleeping. The trick is to relax your mind - because the more tense you get, the less likely you’ll get off to sleep.

ADOPT A SCHEDULE

Try to get on a schedule – developing a routine can work wonders at levelling your sleep patterns…which brings me nicely to some member’s tips now:

Sharon suggests “Sleep in 2-3 shifts-naps (after work nap, evening nap, night sleep, siesta). Many geniuses sleep this way!”

David “There is a couple of things that have helped me. 1) I go through in my head all of the things I have achieved that day, no matter how small, and congratulate myself on them. They can be really small things, some days mine have just been getting out of bed and feeding myself! If it is really bad, I repeat to myself, ‘all will be well’, and ‘all manner of things will be well”.

Drews says, “What I got told to try, and it worked for me, was when I woke up or just couldn’t sleep I would get some paper and a pen and write out everything I was feeling or thinking even if it was in the form of a conversation...I wouldn’t re-read it just a form of free hand, and then afterward, I would tear it up or flush it down the toilet! Clear my mind, say to myself, ‘that thought or feeling is over’ and get it out of my system.”

POST ON SYBD

Finally, of course if you can't sleep, why not log on to SYBD and have a read through the forums or write out a post of your own? Given our global nature, there's always someone online to private message. I do it all the time. Works a treat.

Seriously though, if the insomnia persists for more than a few nights, please consult your GP for advice or even sleep aids - herbal or not. Over the counter options may be addictive so seek advice before popping pills.

COMMENTS & QUESTIONS GRATEFULLY RECEIVED

If you have any tips for those who've trouble sleeping, please feel free to add your comments here. All useful tips greatly appreciated.

If you have a question then by all means log on and post it on the ASK SYBD thread.

My new (personal) blog can be found here now. Thanks for stopping by.

SLOW CHANGES

2008-09-05T15:12:00.003Z

TRANSFORMING BLOG

This SYBD blog is going to be changing soon! We are going to be gearing more toward helpful support and advice. We've already had several, wonderful questions sent in - which will be answered by one of our many associate experts. These questions have ranged from "Should I send my ex a card?" (E.G. birthday, Christmas etc) to "I'm having trouble sleeping, can you suggest anything?" to "What should I do with all the mementos?"

We're also on the look out for other relevant articles to point you to.

And looking for contributors. If you fancy a shot at writing, do get in touch.

NEW NEWSLETTER

Coming soon we'll be re-launching our newsletter - with some wonderful features no matter who you are! More will be revealed about that in the coming weeks! We're super excited at Camp Dumped, I can tell ya!

LETTERMAN STYLE: TOP 10 REASONS IT'S GREAT TO BE (SO YOU'VE BEEN) DUMPED

2008-08-23T11:05:00.010Z

SO WHAT MAKES SYBD GREAT?

Well please excuse us for blowing our own trumpet here, but frankly working on the 2009 Marketing Plan for the site has reminded us how much we've achieved over the years. We're like that Little Engine that Could. Rightly or wrongly, this site was launched eight years ago on a "Field of Dreams" mentality. Yes we built it and they have come...growing stronger year-on-year. While other sites have crashed and burned - (in some cases despite copious amounts of investment,) yet we're surviving! True veterans of the Net. So without further adieu....

10 REASONS WHY SYBD IS ONE OF THE COOLEST WEBSITES….EVER!

10) THE NAME

• Let’s face it’s a funny and memorable name….Most people actually laugh when they hear it. That's no bad thing...After several weeks of bouncing around URLs with family members and friends - one suggestion stuck!

9) OUR TRACK RECORD

• We’re the longest-running, online community dedicated solely to break-ups & divorces...(go to Alexa and see for yourself!)

8) LOYALTY

• People who choose to engage in our community – tend to find solace, support and make fantastic friends in the process. Around 10% of our traffic visits in excess of 201 times a month!

7) GLOBAL REACH

• According to Google Analytics, in the first half of the year, we had nearly 80,000 visitors from more than 155 countries! Heartbreak truly knows no boundaries!

6) PROLIFIC POSTERS

• Currently there are more than 110,000 posts in more than 11,500 topics. Not only that - we’re growing at an average of almost 100 posts per day!

5) THE DMO (Dead Message Office)

• Over the last two years, the Dead Message Office thread has received more than 2500 replies on 188 pages and it's had over 20,0000 views! (Check it out, it's a cracker, but you need to be a site member to view it! Do join, it's free!)

4) COMPELLING READING

• It’s not just misery loves company here,…there are articles on revenge, dating, finance and relationships. Plus there are forums for entertainment recommendations, “Good News”, funnies in the “Light Zone” and for benefactors there’s even a saucy and candid S-E-X forum (which must be seen to be believed! LOL)

3) IT’S FREE!

• Yes, you’ve heard “the best things in life are free” and that’s what we believe. @ SYBD. We don’t capitalize on your pain. (Maybe one day we'll change our minds but for eight years our support and advice has been free) If you want to make a contribution later, that’d be wonderful, but you’re not forced to cough up here!

2) THOSE BREAK-UP LINES ARE HEEE-LARIOUS!

• Over the years more than a thousand real, funny, painful, break-up lines have been emailed in and compiled into a humorous book entitled, “Goodbye My Lover” - due to be released in 2009!

1) THE SITE MEMBERS

• The site members are the most kind-hearted, articulate, benevolent and witty people we have ever come across. It's a place where young/old, gay/straight, rich/poor men and women congregrate and relate...as was said in our 2007 trailer - it's about 'people helping people'...So You’ve Been Dumped would be nothing without them…so here's to you guys and gals! Thank you!

WE REST OUR CASE!

Now do you see what we mean? Some of you site members frequent the blog, would you please add a comment why you think the site rocks? We'd really appreciate it...

PS: This list was not compiled to prove to the world how fabulous SYBD is, it's to remind us at HQ - because sometimes, when times are so challenging, we've actually lost sight of these facts and we needed a little reminder of what we're doing here.

A SEMI-AUSPICIOUS START TO FRIDAY....

2008-08-15T09:07:00.003Z

MORE KINDNESS COMING

Well, I woke up this morning, switched on the Blackberry, to find a lovely email/donation to SYBD. Honestly, I never tire of getting these, and you do not know how needed (and appreciated) these voluntary things are. Yes, I feel blessed...(at least momentarily!)

Got out of my bed and on to my desk by 9am and ended up having a rather friction-ridden Skype-discussion - which left me feeling less-than-happy. Sour even. Another opportunity to practice surrendering. Isn't that such a challenge when you come into contact with people whom you perceive to be displaying a "bad attitude"? Thank you universe for this lesson.

There is a quote I posted on So You've Been Dumped's forums some months back that says - I believe it's original origin is the Tao Te Ching or maybe just Wayne Dyer's interpretation of it in CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS CHANGE YOUR LIFE - "I fully trust that others do know what is best for themselves."

This may well be my most challenging lesson in life. I think it is for most people. We always assume we know what is best for people but do we? Maybe yes, maybe no.

WORK WORK WORK

So I do what I do best, throw myself into getting things done. Work is my saviour. I've been scouting about for a business partner/mentor/angel type person to join the ranks of Camp SYBD. I pray this person is out there. Someone with Web 2.0 (or eveb 3.0) savvy and some free time and spare capital!

I can guarantee SYBD is a fun place to work and it has bags of potential. Truly it does. When I last checked there were twenty-seven spin-off ideas for the brand. Don't even get me started about the traffic - which is awesome of late. You know this year alone we've had visitors from 165 countries. I bet there are top rated sites on the internet who don't even have coverage from that many countries!

Yes, heartbreak truly knows no boundaries!

I AM TOUCHED (AND WILL BE EVEN MORE LATER)

A little while later, after my disconcerting conversation, I was ranting, I mean chatting, to my best friend here, Nicola. Out of the blue she has just bought me a massage for today at 2:30. When she said that (over Skype) - I burst into tears. I guess I didn't realise how stressed I was! I think I've soaked up a lot of pain, anger, negativity and the like this week and it all just came out.

No doubt more will come out in this massage today. I can't wait. I could use some serenity...Anyway I do feel better now. So much so it's time to do this week's DUMP.

Check out my DUMP 100 blog to find out how my CHALLENGE (by Nicola actually) is going.

MAKE BENNY USE A PENNY

2008-08-13T13:07:00.005Z

VOLUNTARY DONATIONS

Last night, I received a really nice email from a site member who had been concerned about another one. The email asked to be kept anonymous, and asked me to change the person's membership to "BENEFACTOR" status. Oh and $40.00 was included...

WHAT'S A BENEFACTOR?

It's really just a term I came up with years ago for people who donate in excess of 20.00 pounds (or 40 dollars (USD)). It's generally for people who feel they've been helped by the site - a way to "pay it forward" (or give back), and in doing so they get access to more private forums. My fave among them is of course the S-E-X Forum which makes me blush when I read it sometimes! Ahem, but I digress...

So now others have come forward to "pay it forward" too - so someone else can become one. What a wonderful concept. I am sure someone suggested that to me recently in our meetings about the marketing plan, but I never 'actioned' it...and then the universe seems to have done that for me in a divine way. I've always loved the idea of paying it forward. I really have.

I do my best to do so but I find my site members are often better at it than me - which puts me a little to shame.

The original benefactor last night could have taken all the credit and said "look what a nice thing I did" - but chose to not to so. That to me is a random act of kindness and I am sure it will bounce right back to said person in some way. It may not be in a monetary way it may be in some completely different way but what we put out comes back. I firmly believe that.

BE KIND

Funnily enough, when I received the email, (on my Blackberry), I was I guess doing something that could be deemed as "kind" - so perhaps in some small way that was my return? So not only did the newly-appointed Benny benefit - but I did too in a different way.

I'd like to make a place for people to give Benny Status "MAKE BENNY USE A PENNY" (or 4,000 of them) ;)

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

Last night I had to put on my Sage Hat and try to counsel someone who's been going through a particularly challenging time. No real change there except for this was face-to-face as it were. Anyway this person has been in a challenging situation for quite some time and feeling as though everything was "pointless" in the end. Don't we all feel that way sometimes? But the fact is we never know what the counter to our action would be. In some cases it could even be life or death.

My point is we all are making a difference in some way - even if we don't see it at the time. I believe nothing is ever WASTED. And believe me a lot of people come on SYBD feeling as though they've "wasted all this time" with their ex "for nothing". I counter "it's never for nothing"...

EVERYTHING WILL NEVER BE OK...

There is always good in every experience - even the most painful. ESPECIALLY the most painful. They help us grow and learn the most! So embrace them and be grateful for them. As the band Fiction Plane sings "Everything Will Never Be Ok". We are human. We all have our good days and challenging days. We always have something that's perceived as "not quite right" - be it our health, our finance, our relationship, our friendships, our jobs...whatever. Life is filled with endless challenges but the only way out is through.

I had more to say but off to meet my Marketeer! Peace love and granola people. x

WHAT'S THE POINT IN IT ALL?

2008-08-09T10:17:00.005Z

Questions keep bouncing through my over-active brain...I thought I'd pose them here.

IS IMMITATION THE GREATEST FORM OF FLATTERY?

This week has been about three things here at SYBD HQ...

1) It's been about really looking into the STATS of SYBD and its competitors. (I'll get back to this in a moment)

2) Going through footage of the SYBD Documentary (and doing some filming of yours truly)

3) Dumping stuff to de-clutter my homestead.

So let's talk about each individually. First of all - I've not only been really delving into Google Analytics to distil patterns and information from our stats but I've been researching other communities and "wanna be" dumped sites.

There is one such dumped site that's getting my goat a little. It's ripped us off in name and in nature.

It launched three years after we did as well. I guess the web's low barriers to entry make it a place that is RIFE for copycats. Thankfully the feedback on my main competitor hasn't been too favourable. I choose not to judge it myself - because it will merely look like "sour grapes" if I say anything...and besides I don't waste time studying my competitors too much it ends up taking my eye off the ball.

I won't bother giving that site any airtime here on my blog - because it's pointless - why would I want to promote said competitor?

But this whole thing has been good as it's led me to ask the question:

"WHAT CONSTITUTES A VALUABLE WEBSITE / COMMUNITY?"

These days, it's pointless just going on "hits/page views/time on site" etc, or is it? What other metrics can we use to gauge its success?

So You've Been Dumped visitors are by and large VERY LOYAL visitors.

They not only return once their "over it" (to "give back" to others in their time of need), but they also return if they go through second, third (or even more) break up/s.

They recommend the site to their friends.

They blog about it.

Some have even come forward to be in a FILM about it.

So I do reckon the site is a success in many ways.

I took a webseminar on The Tribilzation of Business Study this week which was fantastic and provided much food for thought.

It urges to not view how valuable the "community" is to the site, but rather to its members.

Well we are surveying 10% of the members next month, and I am sure we'll hear direct from the "horse's mouth" what is working and what are areas for improvement. I welcome the feedback.

All this is in aid of taking SYBD to new heights for 2009. It's an incredibly exciting time...Watch this space!

Which leads me on to TOPIC 2. The FILM. I've been asking a lot what my point is in doing this film? It's not just to promote the website though I am sure that's a likely result of doing it. My sole aim is to INSPIRE people and in a way to de-stigmatise "break ups" too. Because it's so personal to me - I find it challenging to see the wood for the trees. I've no idea who will end up in the film - how many of the dozen or so interviews will make the final cut - but like everyone else around here - I am most excited TO see it. Honestly I can't wait.

It felt good, no great, to do some filming this week...of me this time, here on the Clyde River in Glasgow. It was sort of a dress rehearsal to see how it might work but some of the footage could invariably end up in the final cut, who knows?

In any event - I am anxiously awaiting some feedback from my lovely Exec Producer who is currently on a flight to New York City. With a bit of luck he's watching the footage as I type these words. I just hope he loves what I've sent down. By the time he returns - he'll have new footage to spool through. This time of me!

DUMP IT!

Finally the DUMP 100 project. The third thing on my list above.

Yesterday, I was able to take away a pile of thirty things to a Prince and Princess of Wales Hospice in Cardonald. It was amazing how much "lighter" I felt when I did too. So much so - I am gonna scour the flat today to find another thirty things to get rid of (or more) for week two of my challenge.

Honestly, as I look around this room - I see thousands of CDs, DVDs books and gadgets that is merely just taking up space in this place. I am a notorious pack rat who's trying to change her spots. Yes, I'm mixing metaphors, I know, but it's time I lived my life with the "less is more" motto. What's that they say - "we only use, wear, listen to, watch 20% of our things"? Something like that.

I have far too many attachments to inanimate things. Parting with CDs may be about the hardest thing for me to but I never play CDs anymore with 20,000 songs on itunes (or more) why would I ever walk over to the wall, pull down a CD and play it? Well, ok the urge sometimes does hit me and not all CDs are on iTunes yet but it's going to be a bitch trying to assess what is and what isn't out of three thousand (or whatever) CDs on the wall here. I need an assistant for that project. Anyone game?

I really just keep asking WHAT IS THE POINT?

To my site, my film, my clutter, my relationships, to everything.

This room is chaos and it's time I addressed it. Right after I make myself a sandwich. I have some food left over from last night's impromtu BBQ. I am starved just thinking about it! Glad we did it then as it's been pissing all day today and is meant to all weekend. I am sat here in a huge GAP sweatshirt, sweat pants and fuzzy socks...is this really August?

WE ARE TOGETHER, AT LAST

2008-08-01T10:51:00.003Z

FINALLY WE GET IT!

Well we are finally getting the UK broadcast of WE ARE TOGETHER. Regular readers of this blog will know I've been banging on about it for year now - since last year's BRITDOC festival where I first viewed the film. Teddy and Paul have done an amazing film and I really hope they get astounding numbers viewing it.

NEW PRODUCTS!

Well, I've completely overhauled the So You've Been Dumped shop this week and added all kinds of fun products. There's a great SYBD Throw Pillow (pictured right) a Keepsake Box. There's a Wall Clock, and a great new track suit (which I really want). In fact I want most of the products in my own shop - which rather defeats the purpose.Slowly things are coming together...The plans for transformation are in place. Research is being done - sites being viewed - market research being done on the forum...

All with the hope of making SYBD to be even better, brighter, and an even more informative destination for those experiencing heartbreak or a divorce.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF THE WEB

2008-07-28T18:41:00.004Z

LIVING OR SURVIVING?

I found a new blog in my travels which I quite like. It's on a site for blogs called MyBlogLog...the blog in question is called Living Or Surviving.

I have a phrase I use a lot on SYBD that people will not only "survive" their break up that eventually they'll "thrive" so I quite liked the sound of this blog.

I've just watched a great video on it about Randy Pausch - who did a "Last Lecture" on Oprah last year and died this week of Cancer. I highly recommend watching it - particularly if you're in the need of some inspiration. File this one under "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" I guess. "It's all Small Stuff".

CYBER FOOTPRINTS

Anyway I am joining so many sites it's unreal. I wonder how many I will keep up with. Sometimes we just do that don't we? Try things for a few days then get bored or side tracked? I am on TWITTER which is a bit of fun, and I've joined the MYBLOGLOG one...On LINKED IN, MYSPACE, FACEBOOK et al. Do you get the feeling I just have too much time on my hands? :)

I joined some other blog-type site a few days ago and am bored of it already.

Really I'm just devouring content from all four corners of the globe right now. I truly am. Books, websites, blogs, videos...You name it, I'm taking it in!

IT'S CUIL

Just tonight I discovered, on the Marketing Vox forum, a new search engine...to rival GOOGLE...this one is EX-GOOGLE employees and it's cool - in fact so cool it's called CUIL. Really. So I had to CUIL myself of course (as ya do) and it came up with like 3000 returns or something. (As if). I looked up Dumped and Break up and was most surprised that, at least in both instances I (the site) come up on the first page but oddly enough it seems to come up higher on "break up" than "dumped" which surprised me given the name of the site. Go figure.

CHALLENGING

So as of today, I am back on my "get fit" routine - in terms of getting healthy or should I say eating more healthy. The body really is a temple...that means eating better, cutting down on caffeine, avoiding smoke!...It's a challenge.

I had no meat or caffeine today - so that's something - but I did have a bowl of Mint Ice Cream (purely to finish off the tub, mind you) and a handful of M&Ms (I blame you Eva) so not all "good" as such. Oh well, it's in stages, I guess...Better than "cold turkey". I am one of those people who just can't go "cold turkey" on anything...which is why I've always sucked at "NO CONTACT" (aka NC)...'Must have one of those systems that doesn't like those sudden changes I guess. So I need to make transitions more gradual.

Anyway - watch that video I've linked above. It's a good one!

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

THE "DUMP 100 THINGS CHALLENGE"

2008-07-27T22:37:00.010Z

WHAT A DAY!

Just in from a long day out...Met with "the girls" at the Tramway at lunch time for some stitching and gabbing (no longer bitching)...which was nice but I was distracted (as usual).

I am starting to think I am sufferieng from A.D.D. - did I say that last time? I can't remember...So maybe that's not the only thing I am currently suffering from?

So I'd arranged to pick up Grant to go for a walk at 3pm but when he came down I suggested we head to the coast to somewhere like Largs...I wasn't really sure where I wanted to go - just that I wanted to walk along the coast today in the sunny Sunday weather...so we wound up in Troon actually. And we could not have had a better day. . .Perfect weather for a wee ice cream and dipping your toes in the water.

After a long walk on the beach, we opted for some fish and chips at a local chippy...then a long walk around back to the car!

On the way back to Grant's, we ended up coming past his parents house, and I got to meet the folks! Now it's been six or seven years that we've been buddies, and this was the first time meeting the rents. They were lovely. Enjoyed the banter.

Once I got home it was straight to the tub to wash off the sandy feet. Felt great.

100 THINGS?

Had a quick chat with Nic a wee while ago, who told me about THE ONE HUNDRED THINGS CHALLENGE...and I loved the idea of it.

As a true PACK RAT, it's been driving me a bit MAD that I have so much junk...so I am sorta doing my own 'take' on the 100 Challenge and in true SYBD spirit I am going to DUMP 100 THINGS. 20 things per week for the month of August. I'll blog what I get rid of. Some stuff will go to the trash. Some will go to the charity shop. Some will simply be given to people I know.

Does anyone want to join my challenge? Really when you think about it - we all have too much "stuff" and I've been looking for motivation to get rid of it. Regular readers of my blog will have read that instead of buying any Christmas presents last year, I donated bags of stuff to charity. And you know what - not one friend seemed to mind they didn't get any materialistic crap from me! Hooray!

Well, this is keeping in line with that. It really is time. Plus it will make it easier when I move house next year. Win/Win all around!

So do you think you can dump 100 things? Books? CDs? Clothes? Gadgets? I probably could dump 1000 but let's start with the 100. Shall we?

Don't worry, I won't just dump 100 CDs - cos that would be far too easy. ;)

CRASHING OUT!

It's late and my head is mush - must be all that lovely SUN! That and reading so many articles on the web about revenue streams, e-marketing, communities, technology...Honestly I should be getting a PhD with all this studying...

PS: I've just created a wee blog just for this task...so no going back now! :)

LOVE OR LACK THEREOF

2008-07-24T09:55:00.003Z

LESSONS IN LOVE

Excuse me while I have some random musings...You see, I've just had a private message on SYBD from a lovely and rather handsome Kiwi site member. It's a podcast about LOVE. (Link later on...)

I've often been heard (or read) saying that "Love is the most over-rated, mis-interpreted word in the history of words" and I firmly believe that.

Love can (does) mean different things to different people. It's a question of semantics, sometimes. We love our dog, our cat, our folks, our children, our siblings, our friends, our partners, a TV show, a band, a holiday destination, even a website.

What's love to one person may be nothing-of-the-sort to the intended recipient. Herein lies the problem.

If we're speaking solely of "romantic love" then I'd estimate that nine times out of ten, when people say "I love him" (or her) they're usually talking about LUST or EGO LOVE....not true love. I am a firm believer that real love is in fact rare. Most of the time love that's talked about and seemingly-felt is CONDITIONAL LOVE. I love you - as long as you - don't smoke, call me, leave the toilet seat down, take out the trash, cook for me, behave how I want you to, etc. (Insert your own conditions, and hey we ALL have them)...

If I am being honest, I believe I've only ever been "in love" one time some years ago, yet I thought I loved several men in my life (I guess on some level I did love them). Really, it wasn't until I had it - that I realised that all the others were merely attempts to have (or prequels for) REAL LOVE.

Love is NOT like it is in the movies and in the songs (no wonder we all have such distorted views of love!)...

Not "real love" anyway. REAL LOVE - says "I love you no matter what - even if you chose to leave my life". That's much more of a challenge though, isn't it? REAL LOVE, to me is bringing out the BEST in each other rather than the WORST. REAL LOVE, to me, is treating each other with kindness, respect and benevolence. That's not always easy (especially when PMS-ing, am I right girls?)

BACK TO THE PODCAST

So anyway I listened to this podcast this morning and it's got me thinking about LOVE. "Real love". Spiritual love. Love without attachment. Unconditional love. I wonder, is it even possible? I am not sure, but I am striving for it anyway. The world would be a better place if we all had it, I reckon. Have a listen OK? Then leave some comments. I am curious to hear what you think about LOVE.

Anyway - right now, I am just grateful for the opportunity to PRACTICE LOVE every day, because I believe it takes that...both of the Self and of others.

Right, that's me. Love yas! :)

DARK KNIGHT ON A DARK NIGHT

2008-07-22T18:08:00.004Z

CHRISTIAN IS MIGHTY FINE BUT HEATH IS THE BEE'S KNEES

I saw the new BATMAN film this morning THE DARK KNIGHT. It was a stellar film. Christian Bale is admittedly one big hottie in that black suit but the real show of course has to be Heath. He was absolutely astounding in the mad role of the JOKER. He really was. Makes me just a little bit sad, but man does he "go out" in a blaze of glory. His last hurrah was pretty awe-inspiring. Lots of action - my only complaint would be like many, I suppose, the film was just a bit too long. Still go see it (on the IMAX screen if you can).

RECONNECTING WITH SITE MEMBERS

When I returned I had just enough time for a spot of lunch and then it was off to meet a former member for a coffee. This member had such a classic break up - finding out her ex was cheating by intercepting messages on a mobile phone (as I vaguely recall). There was much drama that surrounded the end of her relationship so it was wonderful to see her, hear about her many achievements since she logged on to SYBD and watch as she tried to rein in her 9-month old toddler! I tried to persuade her to chat to me on camera but she's understandably dubious. I am quite used to that. Maybe if she sees the way I am heading with the film she'll be more at ease. I tried to explain that her story was a good one but she was less-than-convinced. I think all of us must feel that way about our lives. They're often much more interesting to other people. Even mine...and I run a very unsual community, travel the world meeting them (and making a movie about it) but sometimes my life feels, well, lacklustre.

Trust me, her story is good. She's traveled the world (alone), achieved several degrees/diplomas (most recently an MA!), bought a place of her own, eventually found a man, had a kid --- this has been over the course of a few years, but yeah, she's truly inspiring.

OVERWHELMED ON THE WEB

Since I got back from our pow-wow I've been busy networking on various social networking sites (for real business purposes not just re-connecting with college buddies or whatever), and reading reams of cyber paper on monetising websites and community forums.

I found one article/blog on the Wall Street Journal site - that was talking about community trends..."Thirty-five percent of the online communities studied have less than 100 members; less than 25% have more than 1,000 members"...

Well I am happy to say that my site must be in the minority...we grow at several hundred a month....and there are thousands of members! And the site itself costs buttons to run...so I am on the right track, I feel.

What is a challenge is taking advantage of ONLINE OPPORTUNITIES when you run a "free" website. Here's another article/blog that was intriguing to me about the trends of 2008 written by a chap called Bruce Temkin.

Honestly, I feel like I am a 40-year old student researching all this stuff but like my grandma used to say "if it don't do ya no good won't do ya no harm"...maybe I'll end up teaching some of the courses on the subject one day. I am convinced I have a UNIQUE experience for Glasgow based site owners...someone might find my life experience useful one day eh?

I am still reading ONCE YOU'RE LUCKY TWICE YOUR GOOD - which is fabulous. Also books like DOT CON and FROM .COM TO .PROFIT....

Anyway I am trying to juggle days/work...so yesterday was mostly about the film and interviews - today's been about the website...tomorrow may be some writing (my agent James would be happy to hear that, I think! Hi James!) and then back to the film, the site and then the writing the rest of the week. I do find it hard to concentrate on one project at a time. I guess I truly am part of the MTV generation huh? (I was in High School when it started) and sometimes I feel like I suffer from A.D.D.

Anyway - it's time to switch off for the night.

Monday Monday

2008-07-21T00:37:00.000Z

SUNNY MONDAY

Well what a gorgeous day it is in Glasgow. It almost feels like summer here. Oh wait, it IS summer here. I nearly forgot. Got up, showered and on the sofa by 10am. Slowly I began going through some interview footage in Pittsburgh and California too. About to screen another interview from Pittsburgh now.

Just thought I'd take a few moments to update the blog though. Been a bit neglectful this past wee while. Birthdays will do it to you, I guess.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Had a great night out with a small group of us who ended up at the WEE CHIPPY DOON THE LANE. It was really for Ross but I piggy-backed on the celebrations too. Tracy, a fellow cancer, was also there...so we all swapped pressies...Kenneth, Nicola and Grant made up the party. After a lovely slap up chippy, my old friend Debbie brought us upstairs to the posh "member's only" club called 29.

I thoroughly enjoyed it and - we hatched a plan to join as a group! (ha ha). Seriously, I will no doubt join myself (sometime soon). We trundled along home, all of us, in time to catch my radio show which aired at midnight on RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL. It's fun being able to play it through SKY TV in surround sound. Music sounds better in surround sound, dontchaknow?

SATURDAY

Ross and I hit the River Festival in Glasgow for a time. It was ok. Lots of people, lots of boats and jet skis and the most immense wind ever. It was really too windy for me. Once we'd done a walk the whole way along, took several photos and had an ice cream cone - I was ready to split.

Besides, I'd promised to meet up with Kenneth at his to work on lyrics for some new songs. Hmm, I've always wanted to be a song writer. I think I'm doing not-too-bad all things considered...Nipped to Braehead and then had a slap up Italian meal whilst watching SHUT UP IN SING...which I of course love.

SUNDAY

Dabbling in artist management - I had to get some of Kenneth's music burned to disk as best quality as possible as we were heading to a studio to meet up with a chap called Billy. So we headed out, far west, in Glasgow and found ourselves in a good sized studio with all kinds of kit. Kenneth played a few songs while I snapped some photos from the sidelines.

It was fun and an indication of things to come (sessions / studio time lined up for the next month or two). It's an exciting time. Some of these tracks may very well wind up in the SYBD movie. I know "nepotism" - but if you can't help out your friends in your own business than who can you help out? I mean isnt that half the reason to do your own thing - so you can work with / for the people you want to? I'd give a lot of my friends proper jobs if I could swing it. It's not out of the question over the coming year either with so many projects on the "go".

Last night after we had an amazing Mexican Meal...I then enjoyed a quiet night on my own - slobbing on the sofa in front of the TV. It felt like a long, tiring week and it was good to just "be".

I was most-chilled out after my candle lit bath until I couldn't find my new journal (that I bought myself for my birthday) and I literally tore the whole house apart looking for it for an hour - and by the time I finally collapsed into bed around 1am I was well and truly scunnered. Grrrr. Oh well once I poured all my thoughts onto the page I was finally at peace enough to sleep.

MONDAY

I've woken to the most lovely sunshine and think it's time I got my clothes on the line and sandwich made. With three food parcels sent from America last week - I certainly won't starve any time soon.

Yeah, I feel good. Life is good.

Back to the interviews now. Enough skiving! :)

BIRTHWEEK CONTINUES

2008-07-16T14:02:00.003Z

MORE GOODIES!

Well I do love living abroad because my birthday DOES truly last a whole month by the time my pals get round to sending me stuff (and I am three times as tardy as they are!) So today I went to get my mail and had FIVE BOXES of treats. Joc went way over board (thanks hon) and Kimba - great stuff. I've not seen the DVD so you're just fine! I can't wait to in fact!

There was a ridiculous amount of junk food sent my way - particularly when I am trying to shed a stone. Cheers gals! (The Triscuits look healthy at least. Ha ha. One out of ten aint bad),..Ha! M&Ms (yum), Jelly Bellys, Hersheys, Twizzlers (Cherry which are actually a bit sickly for me but no doubt will get eaten), pop corn, Rice Krispy Treats, and Graham Crackers (Thinking of S'mores, Joc?) and yummy David Sunflower Seeds (my fave!).

The cards from Kimba and Jocelyn were lovely! Kimba's made me laugh out loud, so it did. It's a picture of Moses at the pool side as a man is diving into the pool, mid-way down and noticing the pool has been parted like the Red Sea...at the top the caption reads "Moses's first and last day as a lifeguard". Hee-larious! No? Maybe it's a location type thing (ya had to be there).

And as if all this weren't enough - my friend Stephen took me to lunch at RADIO off Byres Road. Tastey Fish & Chips with apple juice (no caffeine today, yay me). So yeah it's all good. The celebrations continue.

Can't wait for bath time as Joc sent bath cupcakes. They're just adorable. Almost too cute to use in the bath. They look good enough to eat (but don't think I'll bother!) :)

Thanks to all my lovely family and friends. Much appreciated :)

BIRTHWEEK TALES

2008-07-15T07:54:00.003Z

FINALLY THE SUN

We finally got some sunshine in Scotland - it's been a mixed bag since my return from the US of A.

Torrential rain, wind, clouds, thunder, lightning and a wee bit of sun for good measure.

On Saturday - I tagged along as "K" took wee "E" to horseback ride in the country. It sure brought back memories for me - as I grew up on the back of horses from the time I was two years old...Right through to having my own lovely Buckskin Quarterhourse many years later,...and even had a spell of vaulting on horseback (gymnastics on horses while they're running a circle) - in my school days. Yep, suffice it to say, I was horse daft.

While she rode, K, his mum and I wandered around looking at the animals on the farm - of which there were many - goats, bunnies, highland cows and more!

On Sunday, we went for a good, long ramble all over Rouken Glen Park. I, of course, took silly photos the whole time. I can't seem to help myself. We would ocassionally sit and talk on a bench, some rocks or the grass. It was a pretty chilled out Sunday - as all good Sunday's should be!

Came back, had some dinner and birthday cake (a day early) and watched the movie SINGLES. Love that Cameron Crowe...

Woke up and headed out for a meeting with Billy who manages many bands. We met up on Byres Road and had a good long chat. Left him and headed up to collect my mail (a card, a pressie and a check for $40.00 which I now have to send back to my dad so he can deposit it stateside!) before heading to meet Nic for lunch at the Lab. Food was less-than-desirable so I don't think I'll be heading back any time soon.

Nic picked up the wonderful 8-CD set by Wayne Dyer that I was after. Well I didn't really know I was after it until she gave it to me (the markings of a brilliant best friend)...but I was delighted to get it. Thanks Nic.

Left her and headed up for a film - MAMA MIA which was so incredibly-dire I nearly walked out on several ocassions. NOTE TO SELF: Love MUSIC - not MUSICALS. I was never a real ABBA fan anyway so that could have been part of it. Still it was nicely shot, had a great cast, and it made me want to go to Greece - so the day wasn't a total loss. :)

Hopped the tube over to the west end to get my nails tidied up. Met up with K who paid (Thanks doll) and then we went for a Chinese meal - the place we went the day we met (Thanks doll). After a lovely meal, we headed to FOPP and bought a few Ryan Adams CDs (Thanks doll) and into town to Borders in search of a DVD (which we eventually ordered online when we got back to mine). So all in all it was a quiet - but - decent day.

It was in direct contrast to last year's festivities where a group of us had a meal, I'd hired a venue and spun the 80s choonz etc...and topped it off in a 5-star hotel! Nope, this year's affair was much more low key and subdued.

That said, I think we're having a get together this weekend on Friday because my good friend "R" turns 40. So sort of a joint celebration as it were. Besides who wants to paint the town red on a Monday!?

All I have to say is - I am glad it's over. I had no expectations so was not disappointed in any way (which is a real good thing). I was messaged on SYBD, on Facebook, MySpace, on my phone and by email - by no less than 20 people. Even had a few e-cards....so all in all - I felt treasured. Thanks to those of you who did get in touch. Much appreciated.

FORGETFULNESS

Well I am growing increasingly scatty these days. I lose track of time, get dates mixed up, and do silly things like leave the house and get a few stops on the tube before starting to panic that I left the hair straighteners on.

I did that today - in fact. Off to see a press show, (of MEET DAVE), armed with birthday cup cakes for me and Thom (his birthday is Thurs) and I get just two stops away and am convinced I've left them on. So there's me - getting off, crossing the platform and boarding another tube only to arrive home to realise I had unplugged them. Curses! Numpty!

So I assumed the universe had a different plan for me today and I made the best use of my time as possible before meeting David for lunch at the Park Inn Hotel. We had a lovely catch up - both missing our Q96 days terribly (he used to come on after me on Friday nights)...And we filled each other in on what all our wonderful colleagues are doing now (compared notes and so forth). It was a lovely meal (thanks D).

LOST IN TRANSLATION

I've had some updates on my FACEBOOK profile this week that seems to be causing quite a stir, I guess. I think it's down to words simply meaning different things in the US and the UK. For instance - over the weekend, due to staying up late for my radio show on RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL - I'd written I was "shattered" which generally means "exhausted" here...but a few concerned friends took to writing me privately to make sure I was "ok". I think they feared the worst (either something happened to my dad or with K)....then I had "is in denial" as my status - and that was simply meaning the fact I was denying the fact another birthday was upon me and again - I had concerned messages on my wall and privately. So I've had to be more succint in my updates...so right now the message is: "has survived another birthday! Thanks for well wishes my lovely friends!:)" Don't think that one can be misconstrued, do you? :) Isn't that funny though...?

Well I am off to K's to do some brainstorming on his Whiteboard - and I'm already six minute's late! Whoops! And I am usually so punctual!! Oh well will bring him some cupcakes and all will be forgiven :)

CELEBRATE YOUR INDEPENDENCE

2008-07-06T02:43:00.000Z

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND

Well another year has come and gone...The site is a year older now and heck, so am I, soon...

In the coming months, the site will hopefully be experiencing a transformation, and in that it feels as though I will too. Eight years is a long time. My relationship with my site has been as riddled with peaks and valleys as my romantic relationships have, but you know what? It's been more of a constant in my life than any man and than any job - so I must be doing something right?

I'm still here. It's still here. I still love it - even though I've been a bit remiss the past few years.

Think about the thousands of stories that have passed through these walls...The story of BOB (*name change) whose wife gave him two-months notice that she was was leaving him for a high school sweetheart (some thirty years on). She did it like she was leaving a job rather than a husband. That was classy. Not.

Or Jen who got dumped on her birthday, on a cruise, on the first night. Classy too. But Jen's happy healthy and well with a wonderful husband and baby now.

Or there was the gal, Sandy, who got dumped on Valentine's Day, over a pay phone in the rain - just four hours after she buried her grandfather.

Yes, there have been countless stories of long relationships, short relationships, even non-relationship relationships, from men and women all over this globe - and even in countries I never have even heard of before. But people bounce back. Most of them anyway. We are resilient by nature, I believe. I like to include myself in that category. Often down but not out. Like a phoenix - I always rise from the ashes a bit bolder a bit stronger a bit wiser. Most of us do after a heartbreak of any kind. It's just so damn hard to see it at them time.

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

The Internet (SYBD) has meant these people (and me too) can bond over this universal experience - across all borders and time zones and cultures. It's truly remarkable for me to sit and watch from the sidelines. I can sit and see who is becoming friends with whom - and feel blessed to have been able to connect these, sometimes unlikely, people together. It's a bit surreal for me if I am being honest. It's sort of my own "It's a Wonderful Life" moment, I guess.

In eight years, to my knowledge, there has yet to be an SYBD wedding, but it wouldn't surprise me, one day, if it happened. Bet it does in the next eight years - and I'd better be invited to the wedding!

SOMBER SUNDAY

Well it's another gray day in Glasgow. Wind is blowing through the trees and the birds are singing - in spite of the dullness.

As I watch the nature like it's a television - I am contemplating my life and my regrets. My biggest regret is for all the times I've done things to hurt people (often the closest to me) or made them feel bad.

It's happened more often than I care to admit. Studying the Tao has helped me a lot in my perspective, but it has not equipped me to not still get things horribly wrong. And as a typical moody cancer, if you catch me on a bad day, you'll more than likely feel the wrath. And if you have felt it, I apologise to you. Though I do hurt people, it's genuinely seldom if ever my intention to ever do so.

For today, I will concentrate on those people in my life who do love me warts and all. Who do realise that good days (and good moods) tend to outweigh the bad. They know the tough exterior is just that and that deep inside is a soft squishy sensitive thing. I am a firm believer in Karma and the Golden Rule. I've spoke it on many occasions on this blog and so I know that the sadness I am experiencing is not only self-inflicted but ultimately will help me to grow and learn to be a better person. So all the pain is not without its gain.

If there is one skill I possess - I'd say it has to be resilience. Another is gratitude. I am so grateful for all my experiences - even the challenging ones.

MUSIC OF THE DAY

Well, my friend Fiona in Australia just sent me some links for four Damien Rice videos. Am making my way through them as I type these words this morning...Right now it's Rootless Tree...It's powerful and emotive. He's got the gift. Check it out - if you can handle intensity and the f-bomb.

CONGRATS

My wonderful friends John and Dionne just gave birth to an Independence Day Boy. I am so delighted for them and can't wait to see their bundle of joy in the flesh!

Well I have a living room to organise...July is about scaling down the "stuff" cluttering up my world.

HOW TO MEND A BROKEN HEART ONLINE?

2008-07-03T11:15:00.002Z

Well I've mentioned that there are plans a foot to transform this here website - soyouvebeendumped.com....but the question is HOW COULD IT BE BETTER? It's good to know our strengths and weaknesses.

Over the years, eight to be exact, I've tried a variety of things with varying degrees of success. I feel as though, in many ways, I've carried it as far as I can (mostly) alone, and now I need to bring in other skilled people to take it into the next EIGHT years. (Yes, tomorrow is our birthday! SYBD's - mines not for another week).

Some of the things that often get suggested are below.

1) LIVE CHAT – there have been times in the past where we had live chats (for maybe six years there was one here and it was barely ever used). At one point, it (allegedly) became a "security risk" and our provider asked us to take it down…

I’d consider investigating (and re-implementing) if the collective community feel it’s important, but again, the past has show it was seldom used, so keeping an open mind.

2) CHARGING – For a few years I had a (nominal) subscription in place because people said “Thea, people value what they pay for” but in all honestly it KILLED the site’s dynamic and it took a good year to get it back to the levels we had before subscription. So I am loathe to implement that again unless we can come up with the right cost / benefit solution.

In my experience, people want what's FREE. I could be persuaded to change my position on this - if the right structure was suggested, and I felt that the members were actually getting what they paid for.

What's the right fee? And what would you expect for your hard-earned dosh? That's always the question is it? Pricing is so important. Charge too much - people get pissed off and go elsewhere, or charge not enough and people don't think you're up to much! It's a fine line.

3) PROFILES & DARES – I’ve been looking at other sites (not just break up ones) to see how they’re working, and frankly one I love is Lance Armstrong’s new site - which I have mentioned recently.

I like how you can create profiles and DARE people to do stuff. In that site’s case, it might be “drink more water” (which I am trying to do!), but in our case, “I dare you not to snoop, or contact your ex” or whatever may be more relevant!

People there can have pictures in their profiles and tell a bit about themselves. So that may be a way we head too.

Though, of course, currently on SYBD's forum you can have details about yourself in your profile, but not enough people feel out their profiles!

4) RETAIL THERAPY – is there anything we should be selling here? I used to have "break-up survival kits" and whether or not I was just “too early” in my thinking, had the wrong things in the basket or whatever – they didn’t work, but I loved the idea of it. Could have Kleenex, chocolate, even a DVD these days – who knows.

But if we had a SHOP – what kind of stuff would you like in it? Books? Clothes? CDs? What?

5) INSTANT MESSAGES – should we do what other sites (like FB) have where you can send instant messages when logged on? I figure most people just end up taking it off line to MSN / Yahoo and the like…but if the technology was there, perhaps members would like to stay ‘in house’ as it were? I am not sure...

So some exciting stuff is on the horizon for the NEW LOOK SYBD version 3.0.

My aim is to get as many site member's comments as possible to take to the "team" to create an even better source for advice, information and support than we already are!

There have been many things I’d like to have implemented over the years, but either my own malaise/apathy prevented it, or more often than not, CAPITAL has been the true constraint…

Let's do some collective brainstorming...Thanks for your time and input on this important matter.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SOYOUVEBEENDUMPED.COM - WE'RE EIGHT!

Hard to believe that Independence Day (July 4) is our birthday. It's come around so fast.

Eight years old and still growing...I am truly a "proud mum" having effectively given birth to it. It's taken on a life of its own since 2000 and here's to another eight years!

The only down side here is once SYBD's bday happens, I know mine is just around the corner! Ho hum... :)

GIVE IT UP!

2008-06-26T13:35:00.002Z

COLD TURKEY SUCKS

I've another day to go on my self-imposed ban on caffeine, tea, coke, chocolate, crisps and chips. I am doin' good (over all) but feeling pretty rough...and cranky....(don't even talk to me about my intolerance levels of late).

Have had a low-level headache for days, but once I make up my mind and commit to something, I am going to see it through. I thought I'd challenged myself to just go a week. Then, Hannah told me, last night, it takes TWO WEEKS to get caffeine out of your system. Could I do that? Probably. Will I? Doubtfully.

As far as caffeine goes, I doubt there's too much in a wee cuppa - but it's the principle involved. I know it's not like giving up Heroine or Nicotine but damn it, it's been pretty damn hard for me. One thing that's helped me is I didn't drink much Coke or Tea in America for the five weeks that I was there - so that maybe helped wean me off it.

Just found an article about it on the web.

Be careful with caffeine

Every time you drink tea, coffee, cocoa, chocolate, or cola you are giving your body a 'hit' of caffeine. Along with nicotine and alcohol, caffeine is one of the three most widely used mood -affecting drugs in the world.

If you have more than two or three caffeine drinks per day Your 'habit' may be affecting you emotionally and physically much more powerfully than you'd expect.

Having a challenging time - but I'll see it through at least until tomorrow night.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

As they saying goes "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". That goes for everything good in our lives as well as everything less-than-good. Everything is transient.

CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE ON THE RADIO SHOW

I am most excited about the return to RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL. Though it's only a labor of love - it's always a fun thing to do. Radio truly is my bliss. No matter what stress I've been under, I walk into that studio, put the headphones on and I am away. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. It's my own form of meditation I think. As I say, my bliss.

What's yours?

This first show is a special for INDEPENDENCE DAY...and airs Midnight on the 4th of July, (so 4pm PST)...Saturday morning in Australia (and New Zealand),...So look out for American-styled tracks from Americans, Australians, English and Scots! An eclectic mix to be sure.

Well it's time to go. Men in Trees is on and Lord knows I could use a wee distraction!

RADIO SIX INTL - ONCE MORE

2008-06-25T05:53:00.002Z

BACK ON AIR

Well good news - at least for me and the folks who do tune into Radio Six International - I'll be back on air from the beginning of JULY. Check out the site to find out when because as of now I am not sure when - possibly the time slot I had in March,...I cannot believe it's been so long already since my shows air in March. Time has flown by - big style.

LIVE STRONG

This week - I was challenged by my friend Eva to join Lance Armstrong's new site LIVE STRONG. Finally managed to take a good look at the site. It's awesome. I am doing a challenge to drink more water! I don't drink nearly enough. And this week for Monday to Friday - I am having no sugar, no caffeine, no crisps, no chips - basically nothing 'fun'.

'Been two days and I am doing great!

My main vices (food wise anyway) are Coke (the drink, natch), Tea and chocolate. It's no doubt quite a shock to the system to be abstaining from them all!

SO YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED - THE MOVIE

I've spent my two days back "at work" - transcribing interviews from America. I had so many wonderful chats with wonderful people but I've still no idea who will end up in the final project. Definitely needs to be decided by someone who is not ME. Too tough to call for me. I have liked all I've met but some stories are bound to be more compelling than others. It's only natural.

THE SITE

I am beyond excited for the new look SYBD. It's long overdue. I really could be cited for site neglect here. Maybe a new lick of paint will make me want to spend more time on the site. Maybe it's very similar when you re-do a room in your home? All I know is for many months now - SYBD is not the first place I want to be each day. I've been struggling to relate to the forum members and give the most constructive advice. Thankfully there are dozens of wonderful benefactors and moderators on there to pick up my slack.

STOP BIGAMY

Well, good news - the lovely Julia Johns is in today's DAILY MAIL...

Julia is one of the stars of the (SYBD) film - with one of the most compelling stories - ever. Great to see her getting on with things. She's happy, healthy and not at all bitter like her ex insinuates in the paper! :)

If you've experienced bigamy and need support contact STOP BIGAMY now.

PAPA'S DAY UPDATE

2008-06-15T16:30:00.002Z

SUNKISSED IN THE SUNNY STATE

Well it's been quite a time in America. What's it been? Five weeks or something? The days are flying by and soon I return to my Glasgow life.

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Filming is now complete...and I return to Scotland with oh-so-many hours of footage to spool through - hoping a movie will be revealed somewhere in there. Yep, I know I've done this whole film project ass-backwards, but who cares? It's MY journey to take and I know more than a few people are scratching their head wondering about me and my methods and that's their prerogative. Hell, I've never been one to take the easy route - EVER. In fact, I often joke my autobiography will be called The Path of Most Resistance because literally life is one long challenge - but hey I am still standing, still breathing, still growing, still learning - so it's all good.

And hey, this film is ever-closer to being completed so that's a big two fingers up at the nay-sayers eh? (check me - getting all defiant; LOL)

WOULD YOU FILM YOUR EX?

Speaking of films - I am thoroughly hoping to see A COMPLETE HISTORY OF MY SEXUAL FAILURES - this weekend at one of its premieres in Edinburgh's Film Festival. Never before has there been such an SYBD style documentary. I've attempted to contact the film maker Chris Waitt but either he's busy, thought my message was spam or he's totally blowing me off. In any event it doesn't matter too much. Will post an update about it if I go...the only thing stopping me is I'll no doubt be lagged after the Trans-Atlantic flight...I love the concept but I'd not want to go around interviewing my exes to ask them what's wrong with me. Though I am sure it would be illuminating, and helpful, I have to say, ignorance is bliss...

TRAVELS IN MY HOMELAND

I've RECENTLY returned (to dad's) from a few days in Southern California with a most wonderful person, Eva. Man did we have so many laughs. We'd never met before and suddenly I was descending on her for four days and did she ever go above and beyond the call of duty for hostessing. I arrived to her air-conditioned homestead and there were Godiva chocolates on the bed! Bedroom en-suite. Pool near by. It was luxury living to be sure. Wow did we see a lot of ground...Palm Springs, The Joshua Tree (National Park), La Jolla, San Diego and Coronado Island. We ate great food, and did I mention we laughed a lot?

There literally was not one moment I wished I were somewhere else. That's some feat - to simply enjoy someone's company that much...But boy was I tired when I got home. I've just been flitting all over the place I think it's finally caught up with me.

Back at Chez Newcomb - it was time to deal with bank cards (replaced) and new driver's licenses (renewed: damn another bad photo), and various trips to the library...

The final admin of the journey as it were. C'est fini!

Actually, I've spent quite a few hours at Sunnyvale library - air conditioned and free wi/fi - why not? Reading books on Zen (for the Spirit) and building brands (for the business). As I've alluded a bit to of late, the site is going to be transformed this year. I am not entirely what it will be morphed into, but hopefully something that is bigger, better, and an even better resource.

I have to be honest with you, for the past several years, my heart hasn't been in it. I've done little to the site - I've let it tick over on its own and yes, I've neglected my baby but that's all gonna change from now on...This break has proven beneficial to me - because it gave me the much-needed space from heartbreak and misery to get some emotional distance and detachment. That can only be a healthy thing in the long run. Inevitably I've stopped relating to - and identifying with - my target audience - which I think is actually a good thing in a personal sense but less good in the business sense.

The time has come to take on a different role in camp Dumped. Watch this space.

It has been wonderful the past few years meeting so many site members from around the world. These people have become my family in many ways. I share in their ups and downs - trials and tribulations. I get excited and proud when I hear about their budding romances, school & career achievements, and feel a part of their journey. I guess sometimes I don't realise how unique this is - because it just feels so 'normal' to me. I don't give it much consideration until someone goes, "Wow that's so cool you're traveling all over the place meeting these people and hearing their stories" and it is. Very cool.

Even since I got to NYC - one woman I interviewed has met a new man, another site member got a new job, and still another site member (I met on the 2006 road trip) told me she just bought a great house in the hills of Austin, TX.

I've written a bit of stuff on my MySpace blog but for some reason it's not letting me view it. So I can't poach some of what I rambled about for today's blog.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

So I know some of you who scan my blog are, in fact, fathers out there - so I sure hope you have (had) a Happy Father's Day today.

I spent the day with my dad. A little trip to the Flea Market and then some shopping and food. Now bless him, he's having a wee nap. I think I might just follow suit. After all, what are Sunday afternoons for? Pool side, here I come.

FLYING BY

2008-06-06T15:49:00.002Z

MEETING AND EATING

It's funny but the only thing I seem to do in California is meet people for food. It's literally like every lunch and dinner I am out eating with some friend or another. Yesterday for lunch I met Tina an old chum from High School. We had a lovely chat over a salad. Always a pleasure to see her...Then a bit of sun by the pool and it was time to get ready to meet Teri and old chum from college days.

It was kind of strange how I met Teri...I actually worked at Tower Records with her boyfriend Nick. But then Teri worked nearby at a place we used to eat a lot and we had some friends in common too. So it was preordained (or something) that I was due to be Teri's friend.

Teri regaled me with stories last night. One of being chased by a bear...and of her time at Yellowstone, across Utah, and down under to Sydney etc.

As I listened to her talk I was marveling at the fact that Teri and Nick are seemingly about the best couple I know. They've been together forever, they travel the world together, the just seem to be two peas in a pod. I know of few other couples that are enviable in such a way. It's nice to hear about some couples who last a long time...Happens so infrequently in my line of work...

SHE FELL INTO MY ARMS

2008-06-03T10:49:00.003Z

ED HARCOURT

Well further to yesterday's blog, Brian and I decided to go for some Italian food near Cafe Du Nord and to see Ed Harcourt last night. It was a tough decision but ultimately a good one, I think.

I've seen Ed before once or twice...Most memorably opening for Beth Orton (as I recall) at Glasgow's Royal Concert Hall which was massive compared to the 100 or so folks that I watched him with last night.

I generally prefer the small intimate gig - to the larger venues and stadiums and festivals...so last night was utterly perfect.

Ed's a quirky chap with with some catchy tunes and stellar lyrics. Sadly, the one I wanted to hear most was one that was omitted from the set. "She Fell Into My Arms". I guess people can't play every song everyone wants to hear at a gig, but it's so rare I actually pay to see a gig, it would have been nice to hear the one track I wanted to hear most.

THAT'S THE BREAKS...

I guess life is about dealing with disappointments eh? Things don't go the way we want. Relationships don't work out the way we want. Job situations don't always work out the way we want...

...And friendships - that's the one that's been on my mind since arriving in California last week. Friendships don't always work out the way we necessarily want either - but I guess they always go the way they are 'supposed to' (as I believe everything always does.)

FORMER FINE FRIENDS

You see, I had a few good, guy friends in High School. Real close friends. One who went to my school (and was a few grades younger), and one who went to a religious private school and was my class of '85.

Neither guy was one I'd dated or kissed or anything of the sort. Both are married with children. It would appear (from my vantage point) that these guys are not "allowed" to talk to me now. Yes, I may be mis-interpreting this situation, I am not sure, but it really does challenge me to not be disappointed.

I can see that if I'd had a relationship with either of them, or been "intimate" with either of them - some wives may find it "inappropriate", but the fact was - NOTHING EVER HAPPENED with either guy.

I have met both wives as well. I would say I am hardly a threat to anyone's marriage - let alone men from my high school days that live 7000 miles from me! Sometimes the curse of SINGLE WOMEN is that other women assume it's contagious or something. It's bizarre. I know some women are predatory but I am not one of them thankyouverymuch.

Again, I may be misreading the sitch. Maybe the guys aren't replying to my emails or phone calls because they simply have no interest in talking to me?! But both did quite a lot over the past few years (even when married) and then stopped somewhat suddenly. Ho hum.

Ok, to be fair, I do have a habit of pissing people off at times, that much I can admit, but if that's the case with these two guys - I am honestly in the dark about what I may have said or done.

I do realise I can "choose" to not be "offended" - and for the most part I am doing that, but it does make me a little sad...especially when, like yesterday, I was driving a matter of blocks from one of their old houses and then drove by the other guy's work - and then drove to San Francisco wondering how they both were.

I don't have a phone number for the first guy anymore as he was laid off from work - and emails sent to him seems to have fallen into a cyberspace void. The second guy just never replied to the last several emails over the past six months or so. So not sure what to think or deduct from that - other than they simply don't care to be in touch...I am one of the easiest people in the world to track down on the web. So I have to assume if anyone wanted to be in touch, they would.

Fortunately for me, it's not the case for all my former guy friends vanish. I did manage to go out for dinner last week with another one, Dave, who I've known since junior high school (so even longer than the other two) and even though he, too is married with kids, he's always made the effort to see me when I am out, and reply to my emails (eventually). Yay for Dave.

So I wonder, is it just me? Or have you got friends that end up blowing you off and disappointing you without any clue why?

Would it make a difference that I am seeing someone now? Is that less of a threat to the wives? I don't know...Maybe I should tell them and see.

Honestly, I can appreciate how women (and some men) get possessive and a bit territorial when it comes to single women (or men) - and that they maybe assume we're after their partner or something, but in my case, I can honestly say it's never once been true. It's not my style. Truly it's not. Besides I had a woman swoop and in and 'steal' my guy - it wasn't a nice experience so I'd not do the same to someone else.

Golden rule.

Maybe, just maybe, the guys in question will have a gander at this here blog and decide to get in touch. Who knows? I live in hope...

Ironically, I have a female friend who was one of my dearest friends in high school, and she no longer speaks to me either. What's weird in this case is that I'd bet you a buck and a half it's because her husband forbids it. No kidding. It's a long story, and I may be mis-reading that one too - who knows? But I miss her too.

Realistically, if I look at my life and the close friendships I have, there has always been a balance. If one goes out another comes in...that is true for me ALWAYS...but some days it's hard to not stare at the closed doors of friendships (or relationships) gone by. Even if you move on to a wonderful new relationship - it doesn't always stop you missing the ones of days gone by.

Maybe that's just life? Or maybe it's just me? I don't really know. I guess it doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things, but California does have a way of making me more nostalgic...

Thankfully I have Brian - who has remained steadfast my friend since around 1989. Unfailingly he is a true friend. He's seen me through all of my break ups and dating mishaps. And his boyfriend - who's in the other room right now - has no issue with me staying over ;) Funny that.

Praise be to Brian.

ONTO MORE IMPORTANT SUBJECTS

A close friend's mother is fighting a battle with Cancer and the NHS in England. Several folks across the UK seem to be at war with them at the moment...so much so it was covered in the UK's Sunday Times this week.

I've lost my mother to Cancer, and my "English Mum" to cancer in October, my friend Gail to it in December, and I know the woman in question here in the article, so it makes me sad.

I long for a day when they really do find a cure for the disease. It seems that if someone goes "private" for treatment and then tries to get "top ups" by the NHS they're denied.

Many of these people have paid for dozens of years to their National Insurance Contributions (NIC) only to be denied when it comes time to needing the meds. That hardly seems "fair" to me.

But then I guess sometimes life just isn't "fair". It's quite a hot topic and I hope they win their legal battle. There's hardly a day goes by that the NHS doesn't get slammed for something I guess...Sucks to be them, eh?

FINAL INTERVIEW FOR FILM

I'm still poised to do one last interview for the SYBD film. After eighteen months I am ready to get it edited and out there for the scrutiny of the public eye. Yikes.

It will no doubt be some time next year before it sees the real light of day but the light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible.

LUNCH!

Today, in closing, I am off to meet another (former) guy friend who I've not seen in nearly twenty years, I think. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him. He's a drummer here in San Francisco and I used to go watch his band play back in high school. I think I first saw them open for SPARKS in Palo Alto, or something. Who knows?

Anyway, he's from the East Coast, originally, and on one of his trips when he went back east for the holidays, he loaned me his drum kit. Tried as I may, I could never get the knack. I remember trying to learn U2's "I Will Follow" and failing miserably...Probably why I became a DJ on the radio - it's about as close as I can get to playing music.

THE CITY BY THE BAY

2008-06-03T00:04:00.003Z

INDECISION

I am writing from the lovely city by the bay. One of my fave cities in the world - San Francisco - where Brian and I are debating on whether to go see an inspiring documentary film at the ROXIE ('Indestructible') or Ed Harcourt at Cafe Du Nord. I am pretty evenly split and would enjoy both I bet. I suspect the film would be more beneficial (inspiring and educational) than the gig but sometimes it's fun seeing UK acts in a small venue in the City. The last show I saw there was Badly Drawn Boy (or was it Joseph Arthur?) some years back.

Was in San Francisco yesterday with my dad as well. We took in a San Francisco Giants game - against the San Diego Padres. We had a good time and we won. Hoorah. Looking forward to another ball game next week in San Diego.

Yah, I'm just a traveling girl. Will be fun to be on the other end of the state...and as Eva says by the time I've left CA - I'll have pretty much seen 3 of 4 our state's teams (only one missing - the As)...

Well we're off...I have much more to say but no time to say it. So more next time...as soon as I can get online again. Having some technical difficulties of late. ..

CALIFORNIA ALL THE WAY_

2008-05-29T02:39:00.004Z

FEELS LIKE HOME

So here I am. I finally made it to California late Sunday night - so late that Taco Bell near me was shut which was rather disappointing. I know it's a bit lame to be disappointed by a fast food joint being shut - but it's just a little tradition I have with my dad - whenever I arrive home for a visit.

My dad likes to surprise me with something every single time I come home and this time was no exception. It was a re-spray on my 83 Honda Prelude. Looks brand new (on the outside anyway). Very cool. It's a little less embarrassing to drive around now!

A HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

My first day was spent with my best bud Brian and all his pals at a POOL PARTY in San Jose. It was fantastic. I laughed so much. How great is it to laugh? I also spent much time talking to some very interesting guys. One guy Sean is off to ride the Trans-Siberian Express for more than a month this summer. How original is that?

NEARLY A FILM!

In the past day or so I've begun uploading the footage of some of the five interviews I've done here in the states. It's such an exciting time as the light is being shown at the end of the tunnel. I have about ten or twelve people to be considered for the film - but we'll only be able to use about half that many (if that). I, of course, have my 'favourites' but I'll bow to an editor's instincts on who has the most compelling stories.

THE STUDENT

Today I spent hours in the SUNNYVALE LIBRARY researching all kinds of cool things - from Zen to Dot Com valuations. There are DVDs, CDs, Books and so forth - all for FREE in this country. Why do they charge for such things in Glasgow I wonder?

Anyway I had a hug stack to check out by the time it was time to leave. So much so I could barely carry the bag to the car when I left the place.

I'll no doubt be spending much time there over the coming weeks. What a wonderful invention the public library is...Saves cluttering up the house with books you read once, and you're never too old to learn something.

THE PRESS

Well a further report from last Sunday's press. I've had a lot of messages, texts, emails and so forth from friends and former colleagues who saw it. One of my friend's mum thought I'd "jilted" him (my friend) once she read the article. The guy in question is one of my closest, long-standing Scottish friends, but we've never once had a date. Presumably, if we had been a couple these last six or seven years, I'd have met the mother in question?

This same guy reckoned the article was like opening a nut with a sledgehammer. I think he means it was "over the top" (which I would concede).

I didn't exactly send out a press release to inform the world that I'd met a lovely guy...sheesh. Gayle, the journalist, asked me and I answered...Not my fault it was a slow news day on Sunday :) Grant reckons that actual news should be in newspapers. I can't say that I blame either of them for their opinions. I was just happy I had some 'positive' press for a change, and my partner-in-crime loved it...so that makes me happy. So people are welcome to take the piss out of us for the puff piece in Sunday's press - we're not bothered. :)

What anyone thinks of me is none of my business. You know the quote, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one!”

DAD'S BDAY

Well it's my father's birthday this week so I think we're off to see INDIANA JONES (his type of movie not mine)...But Brian will come down and see it with us, I think so that will be fun.

SUNDAY MAIL

2008-05-25T12:40:00.003Z

Thanks to Gayle for the wee piece in today's SUNDAY MAIL. Not half bad, cheers!

It's a sunny Sunday here in Pittsburgh,...next stop California. Hooray!

Happy holiday weekend!

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, EXPECT IT

2008-05-24T23:29:00.010Z

WHAT THE PAPERS SAY!

You know it's just a little, ummm, peculiar when your romantic life becomes national "news". (I suspect it's because it's a slow news day in Scotland...) A few hours ago, my buddy Grant messaged me to tell me the article is in the Sunday Mail today.

You see, I did a phone interview as Angelika and I were booking down the freeway to Cape Cod last week, but you never really know when something will run. More often than not, it doesn't run when you have been told it will...

Gayle, who wrote the piece, said it would run "this Sunday", but sometimes they say that, and it doesn't happen. So honestly I wasn't expecting it to be in the paper this weekend, but it is (and I am rather glad it ran now, as it will all be "blown over" by the time I return to the UK in June!)

Anyway, so yeah, it's "official", after nearly a decade, I have a "boyfriend",...Stop the press!

What the article doesn't exactly convey is that it's "fairly early days yet"...so no need to rush out and buy a hat,...or look behind the door for your wedding invite. (That's what Grant said he did when he got home from work tonight - after reading it). Ha! :)

I assured him "that's a bit premature". But in any event we're both very happy, thankyouverymuch.

Though all of the guys who've been in my life over the past ten years are wonderful guys (you know who you are), this thing with Kenneth just feels different. We're the same age, on the same page, we love music, are fairly similar in the spiritual sense and we live near each other too,...No offense at all to his predecessors, but he is about the coolest, most easy-going and supportive guy I've met in a really long time! We really just gel. He makes me laugh.

I can't think of too many guys I've dated who'd have had the attitude toward this article that he has. He's actually excited about (way more so than I am, but I've had more than my fair share of press over the years). Quite simply he just has a good disposition and is a great "co-pilot".

I've not read the article yet - (as I am in Pittsburgh PA right now) but I can imagine some of the alleged quotes that are in there.

Please, just take it from me - as much as I adore Kenneth - I've not referred to him (or any man in my life, ever, for that matter) as the "man of my dreams" or "the one" or anything of the sort. But saying "I met this guy and it's early days but so far so good" won't be interesting in the paper so it has to be kicked up a notch (or six) to be a whole lot further down the path than we actually are.

You see, the challenge is, after eight years of running SYBD, not to be jaded about the whole idea of love and relationships. It's something I struggle with regularly if I am being honest.

The fact is we never know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week or next year and the trick for me is to embrace the moment. Both of us are doing just that.

We both have had our fair share of trials in our romantic lives but now have this "attitude of gratitude"...Neither of us were out there looking for anything. In fact, I've distinctly been saying for ages that I didn't want to meet anyone as I was just about to leave the UK for an extended filming trip...But as Kenneth likes to remind me (by quoting his own song, I hasten to add) "love has a plan and so it began"...and it all began because I heard one of his songs on MySpace, liked it, played it on the radio and he wanted to meet up to thank me and so we did - in a lovely "walled garden". Voila, romance blossomed!

RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW

It's simply a journey and we're along for the ride. I don't take anything (or anyone) for granted. I know all too well that (to quote Echo and the Bunneymen) "nothing lasts forever" - so I am just appreciating the here and now. Enjoying having a lover, a friend and confidante. More specifically a "co-pilot".

It's been a long time since I truly felt there was someone in my corner (and I in his) and it feels great. I speak for both of us on that one. As we both keep saying "long may it continue" - but you know what, if it doesn't - we'll be fine. I know a website one of us can log on to if it doesn't work out...

Am I a little bit apprehensive? You bet. Of that there is no doubt. Sometimes we just have to "feel the fear and do it anyway" and remind ourselves "I can handle it".

GIRLS ROCK!

Oh so last night Sharon dropped me off downtown to see a documentary called GIRLS ROCK. It was absolutely darling and empowering. I enjoyed it a lot and was even inspired to think about doing something similar in Scotland. It will have to be a few years as the Site, the film and the possible TV series will be occupying my time for the foreseeable, but how great would it be to empower young girls from an early age to know their worth. The world would be a better place if everyone had a positive self-worth. Perhaps that's the answer to the question that people keep asking me "what's next?"

Time will tell.

LEAVING THE PITS

Well, speaking of time, it's getting late and I've been tired for days...

It is my final night of being "on the road" filming.

Tomorrow I leave Pittsburgh and I get to see my dad - in California - for the first time in six months. Man, I am so very excited! Through technology, we speak daily (Thank God for Skype), but it is always good to go home and see your family in the flesh. My dad has his 76th birthday soon. My niece graduates from high school too. "Good times for a change"...to quote the Smiths.

I was able to do three interviews in Pittsburgh (when I thought I'd only get one) so it turned out to be a real worthwhile visit to this state. Thanks girls!

Sharon graduated law school this morning. I filmed her getting ready for this monumental event. I welled up the thought of it. It was like seeing one of my "kids" graduate. Because for many of us that's what SYBD is - a family. I share, quite often, their pain but sometimes, like today - I get to share their joy and achievement and live vicariously through it. I've followed her ride for many years now and it's great to see her get to the other side. I'm ever so proud.

One or possibly two more interviews and then I wrap on this wee project of mine! Hoorah!

NIGHT NIGHT

Now, I must close. I've a bit more packing to do before my many hours of travel. I am taking a small plane for part of the journey and I have to say, I am not looking forward to that, one iota. Keep a good thought for my travels, won't you?

Peace and love to one and all! xxx

HEY MANHATTAN, HERE I AM...

2008-05-17T23:26:00.003Z

MEET THE CAST OF THE FILM

Let's kick off with the major news of the week, (for me), is that there is a new 'teaser' for the documentary on YouTube. It was edited (by one of my two friends called JOHN GALLAGHER) in just ONE day (& without enough direction from my part) - but I think we did good work for such a short space of time! Go us.

Please check it out and give us some stars eh....Thanks.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY

Recently SYBD has garnered some top-notch media mentions (hoorah)...but in the context of e-venge (boo). That's not what soyouvebeendumped.com has ever been about. While people may be there airing their personal and emotional experiences - what's different from SYBD to others is the motivation behind it. On the site the vast majority of visitors are coming to feel less alone, to find answers and to feel better. It's not about naming and shaming someone who's done them wrong. In fact that sort of behavior is not even allowed on the site. It's not what we're about but as my dad always says "talk good about me, talk bad about me, but just talk about me" (his take on "there's no such thing as bad publicity").

So keep that press coming...all your journos.

TEENY UPDATE!

2008-05-09T08:00:00.001Z

Apologies for being so neglectful of my blogging duties. I feel like I need more hours in the day - I am going to bed late and getting up early and not managing to get everything done...

SYBD - THE NEW GENERATION

There are talks of taking SYBD to a new level (which is so exciting!) All will be unveiled in due course!

A NEW TEASER FOR THE SYBD FILM

There's a trailer in the works. Heading over to my friend John's today to tweak it...so watch this space! The real film will actually be better than the trailer implies but it will give you a chance to meet some of its STARS the world over. So far we have England, Scotland, India, and North America represented. Ok so that's not the world, but it's a start.

There's literally so much going on I am bursting to tell you about - but I am not at liberty to do so just yet.

SPRING IS IN THE AIR...

2008-05-05T12:58:00.002Z

What a week or two (or is it three?) it has been...Punctuated with some pretty severe peaks and valleys. It's been a pretty wonderful opportunity for GROWTH on all fronts. The trees outside the window show signs of spring and rebirth that is in sync with my own internal blossoming.

Bob Dylan's been playing in my head:

"I've seen love go by my door - it's never been this close before - never been so easy or so slow."

I have so much to do, see, pack, organise in the coming week or so, but let's just say I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything that I should be concentrating on. I have a real case of senioritis. That's what we used to say in high school when we knew we were graduating and couldn't be bothered to do any more work those final weeks (months?) That's what it's like. Speaking of high school graduation - I can't believe my gorgeous niece Jessie is doing so in a month's time. Seems like only last year she was born. Where, indeed, does the time go?

MORE FILMING

The other day I conducted an interview via SKYPE with one of my youngest site members. I love how the technology can bring us all together from all four corners of the world - across all barriers - including gender, religion, age, location, orientation...all of it. His words did simply bring home just how universal emotions can be - be they in reference to falling in love or out of love.

The technology is great - but it can't be a real bitch on the flip side...when dumpees (and in fact dumpers) are plagued with curiosity - and so find themselves on the dreaded social networking sites or photography sites seeing things they'd rather not see...Namely their exes moving on and having a great time. Ouch, that can really smart eh? I reckon it's a whole lot harder to break-up in the Information Age.

So that technology stuff - which can bring us together - can rip us apart - a blessing and a curse!

That's how I view SYBD now - a blessing and a curse. A constant inner civil war...so much so I've been slowly backing away from it...and am currently trying to find a new way forward for both me and it. Time will reveal the right course, of that I have no doubt.

TAKING A BREAK

Since I've gotten to this point, I've now appointed some moderators to look after the 'shop'. For months now, I've think I've really started to struggle to 'relate' to my core audience of dumpees.

In many ways I maybe have wanted to STOP relating to them. I am not a dumpee anymore. It's been nine years. I can pass on the baton to someone else now and embark down that new aforementioned path...preferably one concentrating on love and not the lack of love!

We'll see.

But meanwhile I have a film to complete - so I can't ditch the dumped for good just yet.

For days on end I've been spooling through half a dozen interviews in hopes of putting together a trailer of the "Cast - so far"...

At the moment, I am down to the final four interviews and VOILA - done doc!

I've definitely not gone for the quick and easy route - (of course there probably isn't a quick and easy way to make a doc) but it's been a great learning experience. Both about myself, about the human condition and about film making too. In many ways I've always sort of taken the path of most resistance - but at least I am still on the path...Doing what I love (most days) and surrounding myself with an ever-growing group of loving, supportive, and benevolent people.

Despite the challenges that have been on going in my life in 2008 - I am feeling better than ever before. More content. Less offended and hurt by other people. And determined to carve out a new and improved life for myself...one that includes LOVE.

So yes,....I am enjoying this new path in the spring time.

Two books that have really been making a difference in my life are - Wayne Dyer's CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS, CHANGE YOUR LIFE...(which did what it says on the tin) and Eckart Tolley's A NEW EARTH which I am on the final days of reading. I've also been re-visiting Eckhart's THE POWER OF NOW - which has revolutionised the way I think too. I think I've mentioned before it was a former Q96 colleague, Joe Kilday who recommended it, a few years ago, but only now is the book resonating with me (I'd tried countless times over the years to get through it).

When the student is ready, the teacher appears...

Ain't that the truth?

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Last night, the boys (G & R) and I went to see IRON MAN which was far better than I'd expected. (Hooray) It was quite fun, mindless ex-scapism, I have to say. Perfect for a Bank Holiday Monday. (The earlier part of the day was spent in the park soaking up the sun)...and this morning it was time for Ashton and Cameron...for this little, cheesy romantic comedy WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS. Yes, it was predictable. Yes it was schmaltzy.

And for those who like RomComs - it was worth a view. (The best part about it has to

Actually come to think of it, inspiration can come from the most unlikely sources. There was a particularly good line in last night's IRON MAN film - directed at Robert Downey Junior - this billionaire, inventor type of guy who lives the bachelor life..."so the man who has everything....has nothing" - or words to that affect. Isn't that true? We can have all the material possessions in the world and without someone to share them with - life can feel empty and rather pointless.

Anyway - I had to cancel on John (my editor) today so I can get more footage together for the trailer - so I'd better get doing that and not sitting in my sauna (I mean my lounge) writing this rambling blog.

Suffice it to say, life is going particularly lovely here at Camp Dumped...there are big changes afoot this year - both in terms of the site and me personally...so well and truly "watch this space". Well, if you want to.

Your happy hostess, Miss T xxx

GOING WITH THE FLOW

2008-04-22T23:12:00.000Z

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Yesterday I saw the film FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. It was the 4th film I'd seen in as many days! (The others have seen IN BRUGES, FLASHBACKS OF A FOOL, and best of all HAPPY GO LUCKY...) I liked F.S.M. though. It was cute, kinda funny in an-almost-cliched sort of way. And I didn't even object (much) to that whats-his-face Brit being in it. In fact I liked the film despite him being in it and found myself laughing at many of his quips (in spite of myself).

TAKING A BIT OUT OF THE BIG APPLE!

Well I am off to New Yawk City soon...I am totally looking forward to spending a bit more time in the Big Apple - in particular Central Park! I think this is my 4th trip there...

From New Yawk, I'll heading up to Connecticut to spend with my high school buddy Yvette (yipppeee), with Matt in Boston, Sharon in Pittsburgh and with a bit of luck Kim in Cleveland before heading home for my dad's birthday and my niece's high school graduation! How cool is that?

So three interviews (at least) on the East Coast and possibly another final one (or two) on the West Coast and then "that's a wrap" kids.

As for the FUNDING of this little journey - all I can say is - "thank God for plastic". Anyone who wants to contribute to the film fund - feel free to contact me to do so :) (No donation too small)...

DAMN TAPES

Well last night I logged off the Internet early (for me anyway) and sat down to watch some of the interviews conducted last week. JJ's interview came out great. Quite pleased because her story is just so compelling...Then I went to put on Karen's and the tape is...um, well to be blunt FUCT.

The last tape I had an issue like this was my 40th birthday party which was a bummer. This is more important than that though....Does anyone know a company that fixes cassette / DV tapes? David fixed my last one and tried to have go to fix this one but it seemed to be beyond his capabilities - sadly. So either the film will have no Karen or I'll find someone who can repair the tape. Damn it.

Helen's interview came out good. It was a brilliant day in Poole.

NEWCOMB'S OLD COMB

The other day I had the strangest thing happen (bear with me here)...Several months ago I was walking to the gym and after I crossed over the Clyde, I felt something drop. I looked around at my backpack and the outside pocket had unzipped itself and I had slowly lost my entire contents - along the way.

Due to the fact I had music on, I never heard anything fall out. So I retraced my steps - first making sure I had the most important contents (the membership card, lock which were thankfully placed in a different pocket)...

At the time, I'd been reading Wayne Dyer's adaptation of the Tao Te Ching and learning to "detach" from things (outcomes and people too). So I reminded myself of this as I was re-tracing my steps.

"Nothing that was in that bag is irreplaceable" etc....

Anyway, sorry, this story is going on much too long...

I didn't find anything I'd lost (but that said I couldn't remember what was actually in the pouch - apart from my special comb).

Fast forward many weeks, and I was walking to the gym again (just a few days ago) - it was early (so no cars were around) and there in the street was my comb. It's a distinctive comb you see - which was battered beyond use (no doubt being driven over numerous times) but as it was my comb, I had to take it with me. I wasn't really sure why, but it was somehow symbolic and it actually got me thinking about people in my life. I recall thinking to myself, something along the lines of "see it's not just people that come (and go) from my life...objects do too!" Sometimes it's just funny how the universe teaches us things. Not entirely sure what the comb message is - but I did find it a little peculiar that I've traversed that route dozens of times and never before was that comb right there in plain view - it felt almost destined.

OK, I am not entirely sure I have a point to this rather silly story, but I did find it a tad unusual...

RATATOUILLE!

Well I need to get back to watching my little Disney film (which is o-so-funny), so I can then have my bath and get to sleep. I've an early business meeting up in Fife so off I go...

Hope you're well wherever you are - whoever you are. And if you're like my comb - who'd left my life, come back - please, I've missed you.

Love and light, Miss Tx

UK ROAD TRIP APRIL 2008

2008-04-17T23:46:00.005Z

LONG AND WINDING ROAD

Thursday

At mid-day I picked up the rental car. Somehow I managed to get talked into upgrading and taking out extra insurance so the damn rental ended up costing a whole lot more than I bargained for, but oh well it's only money. Intending to stop at the Gretna Services, I accidentally blew right past the off ramp - head in the clouds. Whoops.

So I pulled into the next services half an hour down the road. Time for a quick pitstop and a hot chocolate...which I ended up accidentally dropping in the back seat all over the floor - when aiming for the cup holder (whoops, again).

Landed in Manchester just after 5pm - having just long enough to slap on some make up (and I do mean slap), a few straighteners through the hair and off I went. Walked up to Deansgate and meet new chums at The Atlas Bar. We have a good girly laugh until we're all so famished we have to head out for food. Stop for a quick few shots taken outside where the Hacienda used to be...All that's left is a sign saying "Hacienda (Apartments)". (Incidentally - that's the Hilton in the background of the picture). I enjoyed seeing the sights of Manchester and having an amazing meal in Chinatown too. I was floored by the kindness of semi-strangers. Well, we're no longer strangers, I guess. After a great Chinese dinner we have a quick tour of the city and it's back to the hotel for some much-needed sleep. I loved the hospitality in Manchester. I'd definitely considering going back one day, and seeing more of that fair city. It sure seemed like a nice one.

FRIDAY

The next morning - after not sleeping great - I decided to walk to the Salford Lad's Club - made famous thanks largely due to the Smiths (Stop Me if You Think That You've Heard This One Before)...so there I am at 9am trying to take self-portraits in front of the building when a man walks up and asks if I want my picture taken - which of course I did. Then he said, "would you like to see the Smiths room?" - which of course I did...and so it turns out it was the infamous Lesley Holmes who is one of the men who runs the place. It just so happened that he was looking out the window from the office and noticed my sad attempts at photographs.

I ask him about being on the SECRET MILLIONAIRE and he tells me about being on the ONE SHOW the week before (last).

He gave me a tour of the legendary building so seeped in history. I spent some time in the Smiths' room - looking at the photographs from fans all over the world. There's also a little area in the room where you can write something on a post it and leave the message which eventually gets added to the wall.

The Smiths sing one of my "top five" songs of all time ("How Soon is Now?") but for some reason quoting a lyric from that track didn't seem fitting so I merely wrote "Good times for a change" and dated it. Short and sweet.

I left the building promising to send down my picture (that Lesley took) to add to the wall...along with a donation for the club. I quite wanted the t-shirt pictured here.

Besides I've often thought of calling my autobiography BIG MOUTH STRIKES AGAIN so it seems apt.

Lesley pointed me in the direction of Old Trafford and I marched over in the pissing rain - all so I could get a souvenir for Brent. (Shheeesh, the things I do for my friends). And I struggled to get a bus and instead had to fork out money for a taxi due to it nearing 'check out' time.

I definitely want to go back to Manchester. I feel I only scratched the surface.

So having nowhere to be (and no one to see) on Friday - I, for some crazy reason, decided to head to CHEDDAR. I found myself checked into a B&B called Wassells. Run by a young couple, 2 kids and their noisy dogs. It was a lovely little place and affordable to. I checked in, relaxed for a bit before heading up to the village to find some dinner.

Friday night means it has to be Fish and Chips (or something like that). I end up eating alone at Tuckers. Not to worry, the locals were friendly and chatted much to me.

After dinner though getting rather dark, I tried to venture up the Gorge but a few miles up, I gave up and headed back down the mountainside (mostly because I had visions of it ending up a horror-film type-statistic by breaking down and being murdered or something).

SATURDAY

The next morning I pottered about Cheddar, popped to the village to pick up some postcards and then headed out toward Wells and through Glastonbury (just to say I've been to Glastonbury).

Seemingly hours later (and four seasons of weather), I arrived in deepest, darkest Devon to Julia's pub. Well not her pub, but the pub she works in. The village is called Spreyton. It was about 500 feet long I think. Pretty much just a bunch of cute cottages.

The road I traveled to get there was in fact the tiniest single-track road I'd ever seen in my life. It was more than worrying when I reached a river and had to drive through it. (Good thing I got that extra coverage on the rental car huh?)

When Julia finished work I followed her the four miles (across more tiny roads) to her converted chapel. It literally looked like a green tin shack from the outside (though, admittedly a cute shack) and inside the chapel was expansive an homey. I fell in love. It was blissfully relaxing. A few hours later Julia heads out to her other job and I watch SPELLBOUND on the laptop.

Upon her return we head to a nearby village to pick up fish and chips and have an early night. Julia kindly offers me her big comfy bed and opts to sleep on a blow-up mattress with her shaven poodle,...

SUNDAY

Sunday afternoon we head for lunch at the White Hart in a nearby village called Bridestowe, and when we return to the chapel, I conduct my first interview of this road trip.

It's the longest interview to date, and deservedly so as Julia's story is a cracker. Can you imagine being married for like twelve years and finding out you married a bigamist? Well it happened to her...

MONDAY

Monday morning I film a few more bits and hit the road - destination Dorset. Sometime around 2pm - I arrive to meet the lovely art student, Helen in Poole. Dropping off my bags - we head out around the Quay and I fall in love with this place too. It made me want to pack my bags and move to the coast.

It sure helped that the weather was the best day of the year so far and we could sit and have tea and scones on the waterfront! I might not have been quite as enamored had it been pissing with rain, hail, and so forth. But as luck would have it my time in Poole was exceptional. Helen offered to curl my hair before we headed to Bournemouth to meet Karen. It took much longer than we'd bargained for and we ended up being fashionably late - and I had lopsided hair!

Treated the girls to dinner, (as it was the least I could do for their time), and then we filmed Karen on the Bournemouth Pier.

It was a pretty night but the darkness was soon upon us and we went our separate ways.

TUESDAY

The next morning, I dash out early to meet a networking friend of mine for the first time - face to face. How strange it was to have been at Poole at the same time - as Paul, is from Marlowe.

Helen was a little lucky - as she is the only one (so far) who's been able to watch an interview before she was forced to sit in the hotseat - so she got a chance to see what to expect. We decided to go to a nearby beach --- Sandbanks Beach.

Due to the waves and a whirring sound of the mic - I (pretty much) shot the interview like three times. Bound to be some useful footage in there somewhere. Well here's hoping!

As I was heading north of London that afternoon, I aimed to be near the M25 before peak time - which meant a 1pm set-off time from Dorset.

Quite frankly I could have just stayed in Poole. I loved it.

The ride to Hannah's was a fairly smooth one. I channel hopped through various stations along the way and made it to my destination before 4pm. I let myself into the house, made a tea and some toast and had a shower. Han's home is my home-away-from-home. It felt wonderful to have the big house to myself for a few serene hours. Han's house is never serene when they're are people actually in it so I have to take it while I get it. I often tease her that a visit to her (lovely) loud home actually makes me appreciate my zen-like abode. Nothing like a bit perspective eh?

WEDNESDAY

Wednesday it was great to not have to get in the car and drive anywhere but I did have an early meeting with my new lawyer - just off Oxford Street in St. Christopher's Place. What a great little area I'd never discovered before. I had time to kill after that meeting and before my next so I wandered around London a bit.

I hopped on a random bus not really caring where it was heading. I got off at Victoria and hopped the tube to Mornington Crescent. Ninety minutes early - I had a solo lunch at the Crescent next to the tube station and paid an arm-and-a-leg for internet access. I love going to Mornington because every time I do it makes me think of MADNESS.

THURSDAY: TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME

After a chilled out night - I got an early start on my journey home. It's a four-hundred mile journey - which was made even longer due to the fact that I thought I'd be clever with a motorway change and ended up having to double back on myself - so the entire journey home ended up being 425.2 miles. Whoops. Well I always wanted to see the Yorkshire Dales.

Welp, that wraps up the week. Did you miss me?

Anyhow, I shot three hundred (or more) photographs which I'll slowly sort through. It was one of the best trips of my life. It literally was a wonderful week which make me reflect on just how blessed my life truly is. How blessed we all are really.

"Every day above ground is a good day" says Tom McRae. Am truly feeling Zenlike. Tired but zen-like.

RIPE: GEEK MAKES GOOD

2008-04-03T15:00:00.001Z

AMERICAN TELEVISION

On BEN LEE'S latest record, RIPE, he has a track called "American Television" whch is a the new single in America and it's actually getting some publicity and VH1 airplay.

It's good to see him getting some success! Ben, of course, is HUGE in his homeland of Oz, and has quite a following in the USA, but not so much in the UK....(yet). Maybe one day...

He's a lovely guy and the most spiritual Pop Star that I listen to...(Overtly so anyway - I recommend his blog). I just love that about him - his spirituality...when I interviewed him the first time - it didn't actually go too well in my mind (ego talk) but I do remember him talking about meditation and some of the things he said in that first meeting have stuck with me...SO some real "good" came out of that first, awkward meeting.

He has so many songs about "connecting" make me feel more connected to him and to others. In his song "BEGIN", he sings "I'm walking down Broadway, each footstep is a new love letter, I'm trying to make eye contact, with each and every stranger that I pass, I'm thinking about the city, it's living proof people need to be together. I'm thinking about how I just wanna open up, and give and give and give..." -- which will always remind me of a freezing day (Oct 2006) I was walking around Chicago, in the sleet, and it came on my iPod. Ahh, the milestone theory...I think if it often as I am smiling at people in the street, total strangers to see if they 1) smile back or 2) keep staring at the ground 3) assume I am smiling at someone else 4) stare through me like I am invisible. Try it some time. It's a fun experiment.

I digress...

Anyway his new single is not at all "spiritual" but it sure is funny...particularly if you were around in the 80s/90s to "get" his pop culture references. Watch the video below...Hopefully it will make you smile, like it just did me.

I love geeks. Geeks unite.

And sometimes GEEKS get the girl - in fact Ben Lee used to date Clare Danes and is now engaged to Ione Skye (who is perhaps best known for playing opposite love-of-my-life John Cusack in "Say Anything"). Go Ben. Does my heart good to hear that news. (Well I didn't even know until Ross told me a few nights ago). Where have I been? Ha.

Oh and don't mind me with the blond hair above. It wasn't a good look - I can see that now :) Dark it is!

Love and light. xxx

THE BACKLASH HAS STARTED TO HAPPEN

2008-04-02T09:53:00.007Z

WELL INTENTIONED FEEDBACK...

Well I've had a number of message in response to yesterday's blog which I want to address. Most have been supportive of me or rather my decision, but all have said that they "selfishly" would like to see the site continue.

First let me allay some fears and address some suggestions...

The site is not going anywhere...not today. Not this month or even next. It's not the type of site I can just turn off the switch without doing my best to give everyone 'notice' to back up their threads and private messages. I don't need that pointed out to me - I know. It's more something I am working toward...in the future.

Second, it's not just about the MONEY. Before you suggest advertising or "subscription" fees and the like, can I just let you know I've tried all that? The site already was a "subscription site" before...I implemented that years ago and it actually KILLED the dynamic of the site.

It took a good year to get it back to steady traffic it had been before I tried to enforce a mandatory payment scheme...I know many of you think "people value what they pay for" but frankly a larger % will just go find a FREE site to post on - which is precisely what happened.

To be fair, paying for things on the Internet is more common now than a few years ago when I attempted this...

Naturally I appreciate the feedback (my ego doesn't quite so much). I realise everyone is making these suggestions because they want to see the site live on. I get that.

I, of course, do too, and it will live on in some capacity and not join the ranks of the famous closings like BOO.COM or something. (Incidentally they had 135 million dollars and only lasted 18 months, so there you go)

Anyway, I guess my main reason for posting here was to start to give some warning that things will be CHANGING. Embrace it. I reckon it will MORPH into something different - hopefully something better.

I know the right path will present itself and it will work out exactly how it is supposed to go. I've DETACHED FROM THE OUTCOME and I'd urge ALL of you who use the site to do the same.

I trust that I'll be OK and I trust that all the site members will be too...even if it's a case of the 'worst case scenario' - we will all be OK.

The reason for wanting to distance myself from it - is because it's time to love and be happy again, and rightly or wrongly, in my head I've not felt I could do that with this site taking up all of my time and my energy and thought processes.

And again delegating is not really the answer - because if the site is there - I check it. Until you can ship me away to a desert island - SYBD will be a part of my daily life. Let's move on.

I think I've addressed some of the main comments/concerns etc,...Keep them coming if I haven't.

PASSION FISH

Do you know what? I've been going to a lot of gigs of late. I've seen about EIGHT bands/singers in the SEVEN days. I feel like I was disconnected from concerts when I lost my job on air...I just sort of stopped going. But lately I've been going again and it's been bliss. Total renewed enthusiasm. I love hearing bands, meeting bands, trying to find the perfect songs that will resonate with people who see the Dumped Documentary...and it just feels so good to be alive.

Last night as I sat there, in the Liquid Ship, watching these up-and-coming acts playing their songs it reminded me of a dream I've always had to run a label...At the very least my label, Kinekter, will license the tracks for the soundtrack to the film so even if I only release ONE CD - I will at least have achieved a life-long dream.

Doing the recent shows, "sounds a-x-ecosse" for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL - reminded me just how much JOY I feel when radio presenting. More than any other "job" I've ever done. There is something so ZEN like to be in a studio, doors shut, headphones on, raising the fader and speaking to whoever may be listening. Sometimes you feel there is absolutely nobody listening, but you do it anyway, only to find out later that people did in fact hear you.

Maybe that's just what we all want in life - to be heard?

Though the guy who 'inspired' the site once called me "slick" on air - that's about the last thing I'd use to describe myself. I babble incessantly. I gush. I stutter over words but man, I feel passion for what I do.

Ha! No, "professional" isn't really the term I'd use. :)

But "Who cares? So what?" - it's what I love and soon it will be time to find someone to pay me for that passion again. Any PD's reading? Keep me in mind...And an old demo can be found on MySpace page :) Must add a more current one eh? You can stream my recent shows at Radio Six International - and all four shows are being repeated on Saturday mornings...which is nice. Maybe some listener out there would be willing to start up a BRING BACK THEA TO THE SCOTTISH AIRWAVES campaign? :)

"Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?" Ha.

PEAKS & VALLEYS

Anyway enough "ego talk"...my point that I was trying to make was life is all about pain and pleasure. We never get one without the other. We need both to gauge things in life. Pain, pleasure, love, hate, joy, loss....all interwoven emotions.

It kind of makes me think of a great pleasure passage in Eckhart Tolle's THE POWER OF NOW. P. 24

"PLEASURE is always derived from something outside you, where as JOY arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain. And what is often referred to as LOVE may be pleasurable and exciting for a while but it is an addictive clinging an extremely needy condition that can turn into its opposite at the flick of a switch. Many 'love' relationships, after the initial euphoria has passed, actually oscillate between love and hate, attraction and attack.

REAL LOVE doesn't make you suffer. How could it? It doesn't suddenly turn into HATE nor does real JOY turn into PAIN,..."

THE POWER OF NOW was recommended to me by my Q96 Colleague (now Real Radio) JOE KILDAY. We sat chatting during one of his shows one Saturday morning and on his recommendation I bought the book. It's not a "easy" read for me, but it's one of the most life-changing books (concepts) ever, so 18 months later I am still working my way through the darn thing! Ha. I personally am often 'drawn' to books at any given time to answer some questions that have been roaming through my mind. I find I get led to the POWER OF NOW in such times.

In one instance, I was standing in the "personal development" section at Borders and a book fell on my head so I bought it. If that wasn't a sign I don't know what is. I like to think it was my mother's doing. It may have been LOUISE HAY'S 'HEAL YOUR LIFE' - which I pick up and put down periodically, too. So even in her "passing" I reckon my mom, (who was a psychic and spiritual healer) - still guides me. I think only now at 40 are the concepts she was trying to instil in me (20 years ago) are being borne (or rather awakened) in my consciousness now.

It's an exciting time for me personally and for global consciousness too.

The fact that Oprah/Eckhart have had 11 million downloads for this series prove that to me. In fact, for me personally, a lot of the plans for moving on from SYBD are probably stemming from their online course which is currently taking place for his book A NEW EARTH.

It's a book I picked up last year, off the back of THE POWER OF NOW and long before it was a "book of the month" by miss Oprah. :) I'd only skimmed the book, last year and when I saw she was doing a web class about it - I took that as a sign it was time to focus on the book more carefully now. I came to it in week three so I've had to download all the classes to catch up. If you're at a cross roads in your life, or unhappy in any way - I definitely recommend this book (online course) it will TRANSFORM your life if you work at it.

To me, transformation is worth the effort. So on that note, I think I'll head to the library with my book and do some studying. There is a thread in the book forum to discuss this life-altering book - and I just wait for someone to read it and discuss it with me...please...?

Thanks to everyone who's been supporting me, making 'suggestions' (even the ones that frustrate me!) it's really good to know you're there and that you care. I appreciate you. It's also heartening to know someone is reading these words - cos like radio, sometimes I wonder...

GOOD VIBRATIONS COMING YOUR WAY!

THIS AINT NO APRIL FOOL....

2008-04-01T11:59:00.002Z

APRIL SHOWERS...

Well yesterday was gorgeous but April Fool's Day is off to a dreich start as they say in Bonnie Scotland. I am recovering from quite a weekend. It's always a freak-out to my system when we lose that measly hour in Day Light Losing Time. It's like it sets me off kilter for a week until I finally acclimate.

I woke up Sunday - at what may have been NOON (!) - and I just felt rubbish. I thought for the entire day about closing down SYBD. Not selling it. Not handing it over to the site members. CLOSING IT.I'll tell you why, shall I? (Maybe it's obvious and you don't need me to spell it out but here we go....)

Let me put it to you this way…

1. Would you do a job for eight years, unpaid?
2. Would you want to do a job that talked about your past (rather painful experiences) every day for eight years?

Chances are you’d answer “No thanks” to both.

Add to that the question - would you want to work in a place where you’re literally drowning in other people’s pain, heartbreak, hurt and misery for EIGHT YEARS?

Again, I am suspecting you’d say “No”.

Welcome to my world.

When I first launched back in 2000, the guy who was the "inspiration" of the site, Chris, said "Thea, I can understand you're doing something good, but are you sure this is a good idea for you?" (or words to that effect) He was right to be concerned.

How could dealing with this subject matter for such a prolonged period of time NOT have an effect on me? Of course it has. I am challenged to BELIEVE in love and in RELATIONSHIPS.

I cry tears that are other people's tears. In other words, for years now I've soaked it all up like a sponge.

Therapists and counsellors have people to "offload" (I think the term is) to, but I haven't had that luxury, really...so it's stored up and stored up in what EKHART TOLLE calles a "pain body". And, well, Sunday I found myself wailing and caterwauling and none of it was really "my" pain or some ofi t was but mostly it was cummulative pain if that makes sense. It was like a pent-up pressure cooker - exploding!

It was then I realised I've had enough and it's time to work out a strategy to move on...but and herein lies the challenge - if you have ever had to "dump" someone, you know how hard it can be. Imagine dumping thousands of someones.

Welcome to my world.

There have been many people urging:- “Don’t do it” and “You can’t do that” - but why not? I built it. It was borne out of my own personal experience. It’s been kept up for eight years – where do you draw the line?

Yesterday, from a lovely site member (who I adore), the words "you are sitting on a gold mine. You'd be bonkers to 'dump' the site" came forth.

But of course no one can ever get behind anyone else's eyes, in their head, feeling their 'pain body'...so why judge me as "bonkers" for wanting to walk away? Or rather for NEEDING to walk away? Is eight years not long enough? It's been longer than any other "job" I've had. Longer than ALL of my relationships combined.

As I've said time and time again - this site has been MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT and it's equally been my BIGGEST CURSE.

FOR EIGHT YEARS!!!

It's been my intention to hold onto it until 2010 - that was the line mentally drawn in my head - but this weekend, I've concluded I no longer wish to do it for another two years.

ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END...

Every relationship comes to an end one way or another (by death, by drifting, by dumping - something). So the question is now - where do we go from here?

As this site is arguably the "best" (my site members feedback, not my ego talking here) of its kind, (dealing solely with break-ups), it would be foolish - or at least ill-advised - to put a "closed" sign on the homepage and walk away. I've been looking at the competition and have even asked a few trusty forum members to do the same...The consensus is that SYBD's a valuable tool for recovery. A haven for those most-challenging moments and a place to share those little victories too!

But after eight years - it's time for a TRANSFORMATION. It's time for it to grow and change and become something different. Something even BETTER. I am just not sure what...

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?

I've had to grapple with my own personal demons that I am letting people down. People who are, by and large, strangers across the world. So is it really MY RESPONSIBILITY to keep this site going for them? Or do I owe it to myself to do what is best for me - trusting that everyone will be alright?

My dad's response was "I wish you could just take a break from it" but that doesnt work. I suggested the only way that was likely was if I were stranded on a desert island with no computer/internet. Then I asked if he was willing to send me to an island...

So over the course of the coming year, I will look at all opportunities. I will do my utmost to find a solution that is for the greatest good of all concerned,...but mark my words, it's "time". Time for me to break from break-ups. To find love again. To surround myself with happiness and happy people. To hear the "good" stories more than the "bad". (Fully aware though that there is no "good" or "bad").

I especially want to thank the people who've supported the site from its inception. Only a small % have chosen to "give back" (by donating) to the site. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

SPONTANEOUS NIGHTS

After I dried my tears, curled my hair and slapped the paint on my face, I went to see an Edinburgh band DROPKICK at the 13th Note. I have to admit I wasn't much in the mood for a gig, but I "Paltrowed" as best I could.

I am so glad I went, because I had one of those rare, spontaneous nights where you make some new friends. Well "friends" remains to be seen...but I did spend much time chatting to a fellow American, Bill and a quirky member of Glasgow's ATTIC LIGHTS (Island recording artists)- called Colin (pictured).

I don't know if I'll see 'em again - but it was a "great night" when I just really needed a "great night". (Thank you universe)

I laughed a lot, learned a lot, and even if only for a moment - I "connected" with two strangers. Good to see there are "good guys" out there - interesting ones too. I really need to start getting out more, I guess :)

Thanks guys!

And thank you for reading this far...xx

RANDOM RAINY FRIDAY THOUGHTS

2008-03-28T11:40:00.004Z

WHAT A MONTH
Can you believe the month is nearly over? Where the hell did it go? One moment it's New Year's Day and we’re reeling in a New Year, and the next it's April Fool's Day. Well almost.

It's been an interesting month to be sure...

Take today for instance. My morning was spent on the phone with T-MOBILE trying to sort out various things to do with my lovely, new "crackberry" (aka “blueberry”). It's an addictive little machine, to be sure. It comes with a year's SAT-NAV, so as I am soon heading out driving around the UK - I rather think that'd be a handy, wee feature on my phone...I try to connect in the flat here and of course the signal is "too weak". But at least I was able to get on it. Progress!

I've spent time chatting to Lesley (cut off) then to Robin in Customer Service, to Rob in Technical, to some guy in Greenock (whose name I forget) and I finally got cut off again when waiting to speak to someone in Upgrades. So I gave up and have tried to email them about my query. I certainly prefer email anyway...Besides T-MOBILE only has three songs on HOLD "rotation" which is a pain (even if one of them is a cover of one of my TOP FIVE all time fave songs, "I Melt With You")

ARGGGGGHHHHHH

So yeah I gave up. While on hold - a private message came in from Komadori, (in Texas, I think) for me with this picture:

...And it was just how I felt. :)

Isn't that hee-larious?

TFIF

Well it's Friday. A rainy Friday at that. I'm trying to get motivated to go for a nice, long swim at the gym. Sadly, I have to cancel my membership there...for a multitude of reasons but most of all because I am in/out of the country for the next few months, so it's a rather pointless expenditure. Besides, I have two decent "Pay As You Go" gyms which simply make more sense to me right now.

RADIO GA-GONE

My last radio show for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL went out at 6am this morning. What? You missed it? So did I. I was sound asleep...'Will catch on SKY (0195) Sunday morning. Of course my show is on at 1am - and that's when the damn clocks change - so what are the odds? Guess I'll have to find out when it is actually airing...I am sad to have to stop it - but we're already planning for my July return - so not to worry. Radio girl will return. It felt great to be doing radio again...Truly it is my passion. My bliss.

Speaking of bliss, I was on BBC RADIO SCOTLAND yesterday morning - MAC & CO (as usual). Been a while since they had me in. I thought I really "blew it" the last time when they hadn't asked me back - LOL - but alas “it's all good”. I had fun doing the show yesterday, but of course thought of about five clever things to say after I left the studio. Oh well - always the way eh?

MARRY UGLY?

...The topic was an interesting one - namely "Beauty + Beast = Happy Marriage".

So that's where I kept going wrong. I've been dating (or in relationships with) guys that are generally either better looking or possibly about the same as me. What I need to do is find me a "minger" (as they say in Scotland) then, I will be happy. Got it.

AS IF. Give me a break. You see this came from a survey of like 82 newlywed couples (married less than 6 months). Is that what constitutes a happy and successful marriage these days? Making it to SIX months?

It just goes to show you can prove anything or disprove anything if you want to. If you really want to make your theory stick, for me, interview 82 couples who've been married thirty years or more. Then, maybe, just maybe I'll believe your hypothesis.

My view is people should date - roughly the same attractiveness level (of course how do you judge that?) because if you date someone "too good looking" you're left feeling insecure.

I guess the theory in that study was - if a guy has a hot wife - he's less likely to cheat (aye right). Besides, who goes around thinking "I'm more attractive than my partner"? Honestly, I don't think I've ever really thought that. Not within five minutes of getting to know the guy at any rate.

I had one, long-term relationship with someone who would probably be considered "more attractive" than me, but who frankly had some rather UGLY moments on the inside - which made him “unattractive” to me...

I've also been with guys, who may appear less attractive (to some) on the outside, but who I found to be down-right gorgeous. It goes both ways.

Looks only go so far, don't they? I will admit to having one moment on a first date where I was almost "taken aback" by a guy's looks...and by the end of the night - that whole perception had changed. The guy was lovely, funny, articulate, intelligent, etc...and he actually became CUTE to me.

At the end of the day PERCEPTION IS A MIRROR NOT A FACT. I like guys with hair (on their heads – not on their backs – call me shallow if you want….) other women prefer bald. Seems to me there used to be some theories that bald guys made the best lovers.

Again, you can pretty much come up with any hypothesis that comes to relationships and find some way of supporting it.

But we're all so unique. And yet so similar too. Deep down - the vast majority want to "connect" to someone else. What may start out as surface attraction (or not) can undergo a dramatic change – either way.

If you find someone who 'gets you', makes you laugh, treats you good, respects you, cares about you, stimulates you (both mentally and physically) the chances are - you'll find them attractive.

You might dump someone who you deem "less attractive" for someone who's a "hottie" and find that beyond those hot looks (and your ego boost), it wasn't really worth it and that grass was not “greener!”

Unless of course you're incredibly shallow and totally ego-based, then you'll stick with the looker to make you feel good about yourself.

I, myself, have a penchant for tall, skinny, geeks. Not that I've dated many (if any) - but I am that way inclined. “Obviously attractive” men do little for me - which may very well be a self-esteem thing on my part, admittedly.

What I find attractive - others may find not so. And vice versa.

These days I find most people attractive one way or another.

As my mother’s bumper sticker used to say “Look for the good and praise it”.

That’s my mantra in life.

Now I am off to find the good in my fridge because my tummy is howling.

Have a beautiful day, whoever and wherever you are. Thanks for stopping by.

By the way, I think you're beautiful! xxx

DROWN ME IN LOVE

2008-03-22T23:51:00.000Z

This is one of my fave tracks over the past year,...just came across the video for the first time...Matt's an SF-based singer songwriter. This is a horny little number I've mentioned before on this blog - "Come On Get Higher". Can't help but love the lyrics - "So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips, just pull me down hard and drown me in love..."! Saucy!

My radio show airs on radiosix.com at 1:00GMT (6PM PST) - and across the SKY network on 0195. I am tempted to listen to the show (not played it this week) on SKY to hear how it sounds. If I can stay awake!

Happy Easter - for those of you who celebrate it.

BY GEORGE, SHE'S DONE IT

2008-03-22T00:16:00.004Z

Well I am slowly getting the hang of the wee Blackberry. It's taken several days, but I finally worked out how to sync the 'contacts' from Outlook to my new phone. Now it's gonna take me the rest of the weekend to delete all those people in there that are 'deadwood' (people I never speak to nor am I likely to speak to)...Don't we all have a lot of those people? Or is it just me?

GOOD FRIDAY?

It was a rather good GOOD FRIDAY. I didn't do much. I've been hunting out clips to put into a new movie trailer - sort of a "meet the stars so far" type thing...but it's been a slow arduous task.

John and I are going to go for a walk in the park today - so no doubt I can bounce some ideas of his wonderfully-creative brain! Hopefully it won't be long before the new teaser is ready to reveal to the world.

GIVE GIVE GIVE ME MORE MORE MORE MORE....

(Ahhh, dontchajustlove the Wonderstuff?) Well Thursday was a rather hefty day in terms of donations. The biggest donation to date came from Nicola. I nearly burst into tears when I opened the card (and saw the cheque!!) Later that day - another donation arrived from SYBD's biggest benefactor...(and I did cry that time). And a third person donated to the site as well! Comes in threes...

As for the tears, I guess I was just having a fragile day....Turns out, it was a Full Moon - so couple that with some hormones - and it explains my hypersensitivity. :)

COOTIES!

Well given the latest exposure to the Chicken Pox and my lack of medical history - I've opted to push the UK ROAD TRIP off a week - just in case. Don't want to go spreading the cooties to other site members as I don't reckon they'd thank me for it! Bless Kati's cotton socks. It sucks to be sick...

CLOONEY

Well from Cooties to Clooney...Ross and I watched MICHAEL CLAYTON tonight - I have to say it was nothing like I thought it was going to be but it was enjoyable none the less. I am not a woman who swoons over the guy...He's cute but not my type. I'd rather have ALEX O'LOUGHLIN ...(even though his MySpace has that "doesn't accept bands" and my stupid profile is a band one so we can't be friends. Och well, won't hold that against him. He's a hottie).

Anyyyyyway, I digress. We enjoyed the film tonight. I am loving LOVEFILM. I either rent French films or classics and every now and again, like tonight, I catch up on a movie I meant to see, but missed.

Well it's now past my bedtime. Hoping to get to the gym before meeting John...but I suspect I wont quite manage that - after all, I slept until half-passed-ten (which is actually unlike me!), so I have a sneaking suspicion I'll do the same again...Yawn.

Be safe. Be well. Hooray for me for sorting the Blackberry!

Say it with me - "GO THEA, GO THEA, GO THEA!" :)

I LIKE CHICKEN BUT...

2008-03-19T15:23:00.000Z

NOT THE CHICKEN POX

FILMING COMES TO A HALT - on the SYBD film - due to my star (who was due to be interviewed today) being struck down by what we can only think is CHICKEN POX. Star is now resting on my sofa. Some people will do just about anything to get out of being in my film, I swear. Ha ha.

Now, I am hoping that I've had them. My mother has long since left the earth and I am not sure if my dad would recall such a thing. I'll ask him in a few hours when he wakes up...

Other than that - it's been full-steam-ahead. Plans are afoot for the UK ROAD TRIP due to commence shortly (in a few weeks) and which sees me calling on site members in Manchester, Bristol, Exeter, Havant, and Suffolk (or is it Norfolk, I can't remember). And I suppose now maybe a stop in the Midlands to re-shoot "Mml. Chicken Pox" who, for some strange reason, wasn't wanting to be filmed with red blisters across the body and face! I thought it would be quite the interesting angle to the film, but then thought better of suggesting it :)

There were a handful of us out last night in the MERCHANT CITY. We had a great Mexican meal on Bell Street - before heading into the MERCHANT SQUARE for some drinks. Once we got tired there, we moved on to the Corinthian which was even more dead than the Square. Oh well, it was a Tuesday night after all. :)

BERRY OF THE BLACK VARIETY

The highlight of my week was upgrading my phone to a "crackberry" as my best (Guy Pal) Bri calls them. I wish he was here now because I am severely struggling at coming to grips with it. Where is a techie when I need one? I thought I set it up to sync all my "contacts" (more than 100) in Outlook, but alas - they don't seem to be going to the phone.

I've lost all my numbers and all my text messages which is both a pain and the universe's way of clearing 'deadwood' from my life, I guess. Perhaps it was merely time to "let go" of certain people in the end, I don't know. I've asked a dozen or so people to send me texts so I can just add them to my phone - and many of my FACEBOOK friends have been responding to my plea to do so. So it'll soon be propogated again!

ROCKIN' RADIO SIX!

Well I've already done two whole shows for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL and am having an absolute ball. It's a real labor of love and feel exciting to be doing "live" radio once again...(e.g. not voice tracked). The shows seems to be attracting a few listeners and some fairly positive feedback so I am enjoying it. Who knows, maybe I'll even extend it beyond March 28...for a few more weeks! It's been totally taking ages to get the bands/artists to send in new CDs though. They're coming in at a trickle...but slowly slowly they are coming in and I am 'discovering' some wonderful new bands/artists...a few of whom may end up in the documentary film and on its soundtrack.

WEEK IN REVIEW

2008-03-09T22:28:00.001Z

Well I am back from London and thought I'd give a little re-cap on some of the high / lows of London town...

SATURDAY

Early morning departure to get the train to London via Edinburgh. Took an even earlier train to allow ample time for changing trains. Girl on train is spitting image of Dakota Fanning and I find myself staring at her.

Train's rather delayed - so opt to depart at Stevenage to hop another train to my destination near Potter's Bar. Sit on cold platform for 40 minutes until train finally arrives.

Saturday night - dinner was scheduled at a Mexican restaurant, WAHACA in Convent Garden. The six of us had many laughs and some tasty food too. Due to delays - I was the last to arrive to meet up with the group. Thankfully I'd met all but one of them before....all but Roger.

Return "home" (my London home) and have the million dollar pad to myself while Han gears up for the Paris half-marathon in the morning!

The silence is serene but deafening. Only the pussy, Aerial, to keep me company.

Collapse into golden slumbers,....the peace is truly welcomed.

SUNDAY

Slept nearly ten hours. Utterly exhausted. Tell myself I should go do some interviews, but end up feeling too shattered, so opt to lounge around in the luxurious surroundings instead. By lunchtime, Han had text to say she did the Paris marathon in under two hours - before I had even get out of bed.

Look at the pictures from the party - and note that clearly a good time was had by all.

Walk to the village to a mini-Tesco and buy some food. Hike back up the hill with grocery bags stuffed to the seams with yummy food.

Spend the afternoon writing a former site member in Botswana and watch silly fluff on the TV.

Eventually Luke arrives back shortly followed by the rest of the clan and the silence gives way to a house brimming with people. We settle down for Chinese food and a catch up.

All exhausted after weekend festivities - retire to our many rooms.

MONDAY

20390 steps
9.654 miles
541.6 cals

Up early to take the train to the city to meet Neil. Met him at Cafe Nero just off Oxford Circus. After a drink and a catch up we wandered along Oxford Street to Marble Arch. As I was a bit cold (and jacket-less) we popped into a shop so I could purchase one. I picked up a mock-leather biker jacket for a real steal. We take the train to Canary Wharf and eat at Chili's. I am beyond freaked out that the Chicken Crispers I order which cost about four-pound-fifty in Cupertino cost closer to twelve pounds in the UK. Something is truly not right about that and I vow to never go to a UK Chili's again. (http://www.chilis.com/)

Neil has to leave but I remain at Chili's for another half hour or so before mustering the energy to walk from Canary Wharf to Tower Bridge and the Tower of London. Take random photos along the way and even get accosted by a shop owner for photographing his 7-eleven rip off storefront. (I had actually thought it was a 7-eleven but turns out, on closer inspection, t they'd just "borrowed" the logo). Cheeky swines. Do have half a mind to report them...but would that be bad karma?

By five, have hopped the train from Tower Hill to Mornington Crescent to meet my lovely agent James. Two hours are spent talking about books, break-ups, life, relationships and the way forward for us. He hands me a steamy novel by Suzanne Portnoy - another American author he looks after. It's called THE NOT SO INVISIBLE WOMAN. A slightly better title than the last one - THE BUTCHER, THE BAKER THE CANDLESTICK MAKER: AN EROTIC MEMOIR (which just confuses me when I try to tell people what it's called). Don't get me wrong I like the "Candlestick" book and I admire her saucy moxie. Eventually both grew rather hungry and went our separate ways.

I head to Finsbury Park to catch a train and take some rather neat photos of passing trains (if I do say so myself). Han even reckons I ought to enter this one into a photo competition...These days I can't seem to stop taking motion type pictures - cars, trains, buses, whatever. So London was the perfect place to play about with newest digital camera!

TUESDAY

Tuesday was a day for pampering - haircut, manicure, eyebrows etc...in preparation to filming on Thurs...

It felt great and the nails are done in a "French Manicure" which I have never had done before and they do look rather awesome...(ahh the simple pleasures in life).

The evening is spent with a precocious, talented, intelligent, twelve-year old girl (who is going on 30) who possesses a photographic memory. Have convinced her she has talent to be best-selling author and hope she has the courage to write what she knows.

WEDNESDAY

19749 steps
9.350 miles
524.5 cals

Film Roger at Clapham Common this morning. It was a lovely day for a chat in a park. I hope the sound is ok....From there it's a mad dash to meet Carole for a chat and a coffee at Victoria. She has to go to back to work.

I end up walking past Buckingham Palace. I've never really been around there before and keep walking all the way up through Piccadilly, Mayfair, Berkeley Square all the way to Carnaby Street. I meet Jacqui for tea at Liberty. It was astounding. A warm, wonderful plain scone and clotted creme. Bliss. We head over to the Apple Store to hear my young buddies - Teddy and Paul - talk about the film. I've now heard the spiel three or four times and each time I get something else out of it. Truly inspiring - both their film and their story of how they made it over the course of about three years. I feel quite certain it will get an Oscar nod.

After the talk Jacqui and I continue walking and talking all the way to Russell Square - where I went to university for a semester back in 1987. I half-wonder if that was the last time I'd been there. hard to believe two decades had past. On the train - I get a random email from my friend Jenn who was my room mate in 1987 and I am blown away by the synchronisity of it all. We don't speak that often.

THURSDAY

8907 steps
4.217 miles
236.5 cals

Woke up too early, could have used some more sleep but it was my "big day"....It was my turn to have the camera turned on me to hear "my story" as it were.

Booked the lovely Vikki to come and do my hair and make up which she did....and hey, she did a pretty good job with the palette she had to work with :)

Neil is on hand to take photographs and I am sat on a sofa with a camera pointed on me for what felt like hours. I am not sure if the footage will end up in the final cut of the film but it was a valuable exercise none the less. At the very least we can use the audio. Actually, if I am being honest (and to be fair I've yet to see the footage), I feel like not actually being in the film - even though it's technically 'my story'....So we'll see how it works out in the edit...

After the interview was a rather heated meeting....the future for the film remains decidedly in the balance but I am proceeding forward as if its fate is sealed (and financed). I know that all things work out in the end one way or another. I can't believe all that I've been putting in thus far will be in vain. Nope, I feel quite certain it will work out in one way or another.

Filming and meeting aside, it was time to make our way to Victoria where Neil was off to get a bus and I to make my way back toward Finsbury Park. As we sat their discussing the way forward, I see my friend Jon walk by. How weird it is to be miles from your home and see people you know (and it's not the first time I bumped into someone I knew, randomly, in London. One time 20 years ago, I bumped into a friend from California at the Russell Square tube. How freakin' weird was that?) So anyhow Jon popped in and had a chat and a latte with Neil and I before heading off to get his haircut.

Small world.

It was an exhausting day and I must admit I was rather downtrodden after it all. Perhaps it was simply an anti-climax or merely fatigue, but in any event, I was a bit burnt-out as I made my way back to Han's house.

After a spot of food, Han, Alice and I went to see JUNO - which I'd seen before and loved. We all laughed and we all cried and generally just had a nice girl's night out...

FRIDAY

I gave myself the day off to do absolutely nothing, again. It was great to just slug about. Friday night we went to some neighbors for a chat about the local schools. So basically it is me, two couples and five kids. The nightmare situation for any singleton...(particularly for child-free ones)....but in actuality - I had a real laugh.

The hosts - Karen and Paul were very humorous. Though I did think of simply going back to Han's, to have the house to myself for a while, I stuck it out and had a good time. Sometimes nights can surprise you - and this was one such night.

SATURDAY

Slept mediocre. I basically got to the point I was just ready to be back in my own pad. My own food. My own bed. My own TV. My own bath tub....I may be a freak, but I love living alone, (always have) and I don't see that changing any time in the next year or two...

Lucas took me to the train station for the 10:20 to Kings Cross where I dump my bags at platform 8 "Left Luggage" and meet Jon to interview him.

We first went to a grotty, noisy, smelly cafe for some tea. Jon has a theory the uglier the woman behind the counter the better the tea is. Unfortunately for him, our waitress is a cutie so therefor the tea wasn't great. Actually, he consented, it wasn't bad so that pretty much blew his theory...

We decided to go to San Pancras to check out the "Meeting Place" statue by Paul Day. I'd done a piece for BBC Radio Scotland about romance in Scottish travel - so I was very curious to see the statue. It was there we did Jon's interview for the film.

Still single, I reckon this film will get him a few interests from woman wanting to date him...Thats if he's not found his true love before then. He's a generally sociable chap that doesn't seem to find it hard meeting women. And he's chivalrous, girls....helped me load my bags on to the train and it was a hug and a kiss "goodbye" and off I headed up the east coast via Leeds, York, Newcastle, Berwick and Edinburgh to name just a few of the many stops.

:)
Trains have finally become a truly modern way to travel. Wi/Fi and power sockets enable constant, free, communication. It gave me a chance to blog, upload pics, catch up on posts and instant message people around the world.

Of course it takes a fair bit of time to get between London and Glasgow - but not a huge amount of difference by the time you add up - check in at the airport (early), flight time, getting luggage, and a train bus or whatever into town...Plus for me it saves me 12 quid in taxi fairs both ways....

Over all it was a productive and wonderful trip to London. A really even spread between business and pleasure. Saw old friends and met new ones. Got to interview two men for the film - both incredibly handsome and wonderful lads which made my job fun!

I am pleased to get some men to speak up - because Lord knows, that men tend to be less inclined to sit and talk about their feelings - particularly with a camera pointing in their face. It's one thing to do so with the anonymity of Internet and a forum whereby they can be anyone, but quite another for them to be standing there with a camera and mic in their face.

So yeah - I am quite pleased with both gentlemen - and suspect there will be women out there who will take quite a shine to them....

My fear, if I have to admit to one, is mostly revolving around the sound. My mic. It's really not the greatest. Just hope the footage is usable.

SUNDAY

Long lie in today and then I watched a wonderful classic which I'd rented off LOVEFILM...called WOMAN OF THE YEAR with Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy. I laughed hard and often during this wonderful 1942 classic. The afternoon and evening was spent looking at Roger's interview. The mic did in fact let me down just a little but hopefully some of the interview will be salvageable.

Well it's Sunday night now and I watched LOST and then on to one of my other favorite shows - SECRET MILLIONAIRE (I aspire to be on it one day) ;)

On that now I have to close. I'll be updating the kinekter blog soon...too.

'WE ARE TOGETHER' is....

2008-03-07T10:50:00.001Z

OUT TODAY

Well my friends today is the day that Teddy and Paul's wonderful WE ARE TOGETHER film sees its theatrical release...in the UK.

I attended a talk with Mike Figgis and the boys at the Apple store on Wednesday and I find their personal journey making the film as inspiring as I find the film itself.

I hope those who are able to see the film at the cinema will choose to do so. I've seen it two times already and I am planning on seeing it again in Glasgow at the GFT. Where it will be on Mar 15-17. All proceeds of the film and its soundtrack will be going to charity so please everyone go see the film and drag as many people as you can to see it too. Your father, your mother, your sister, your brother, your kids, your neighbours...everyone! :)

MY RADIO SHOW

Well, I believe my first radio show went out at 6am GMT but I was sound asleep as I am sure most of my UK friends were...so I have tried to find the "replay" of the site and I can't work out how to hear it. When I figure it out, I shall tell you.

Will blog more tomorrow...much to pack and it ain't gonna fit.

DEBUT ON RADIO SIX

2008-03-07T00:46:00.003Z

We're just hours away from my radio return...6AM GMT (10pm Thurs PST).

Don't worry if you missed it - just log onto the Radio Six International site and catch it on the replay...Next week's show will be tighter, (I hope)...

The ole gal's a tad rusty!

RECONNECTING

2008-02-26T23:57:00.000Z

WHO'S THAT LUCKY JIM?

Well as many know I am gearing up for a month of radio shows on RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL - so I spend my days (and nights) multi-tasking! While trying to work on a book, I am also surfing MySpace looking for bands to play on my show...

Bear with me here...this is a bit rambly....

So I was going through CD collection earlier today looking for tracks not yet added to ITUNES (of which there are thousands)...and I came across the LOST SOUL BAND....

Former Q96 listeners (to my early shows back in the early nineties) may recall that I use to play them fanatically. Have fond memories of sessions/interviews with them - in particular GORDON GRAHAME.

I am getting there, hold on....

So tonight, when playing the wonderful "Looking Through the Butcher's Window" - I thought - "I wonder what happened to Gordon G?" and so I looked him up on MySpace and found a link to LUCKY JIM.

Man, that name sure sounded familiar, but I didn't think too much of it...so I fired off a "hello, remember me?" message to Gordon (thankfully he did!), and then went to play his tracks...and, of course, the moment I heard the track "You're Lovely to Me"...It clicked!

Those of you who live in the UK will probably know it too. You see, it's from a Kingsmill Bread ad (of all things).

It was such a great song that I'd actually searched for it last year when I was hearing that ad! That's why the name "Lucky Jim" was familiar. I just never put two-and-two together. Sometimes life is a trip, 15 years later and we've come full circle!!

GO - LONDON!

Incidentally, the last time I saw G was in 2000 when I did "GO FM". Gordon's now living in London with wife Sophie (who sings some backing vocals etc) and has a new record called TRUE NORTH. Am thoroughly enjoying the tracks on the player - check him out.

Of all the band interviews I've ever done - the strangest one was with Gordon - we ended up completely off tangent - talking about death of all things. Least you can't accuse me of asking the 'normal' questions :) I seem to recall he really was happy that we took an unusual turn like that.

Speaking of London, actually, I am gearing up for a wonderful, lil jaunt...I am mixing much business with much pleasure. I am meeting old friends, old site members and new, plus my lovely agent, James, my film producer Stefan and even "my good ex" Neil....(who is photographing me while I am being interviewed for the movie.) Exciting times! Ain't life grand? And of course my home away from home - at Hannah's. Always a pleasure!

MORE CONTRIBUTORS STEPPING UP

Well more people are both coming forward - 1) offering to be interviewed as well as 2) donating their money.

In fact, this evening a former Q96 colleague Amy text messaged me to say she's sending a cheque Friday! She, was the only person from my former station who even acknowledged the email - so bless her for that. Some people are just good eggs, I guess. I am very grateful.

And as I say more people are coming forward. I am attempting to be Tao-like and not stress that I have so many WOMEN and so few MEN. I just keep reminging myself that who ever is 'meant to be' in the film - will be. I vow to not twist any arms and coerce anyone who doesn't feel comfortable to be in a potentially life-changing film (for all of us). Not everyone is confident enough to bear their soul on camera - I get that.

It's the homestretch and it's so exciting.

ALL OVER THE WORLD

Cue an ELO song...(which I've just noticed is not in ITUNES, how can that be?)...anyhow tonight, I crawled down on the floor, red pen in hand and marked all the places where site members have said they are from on the "Where Are You?" thread. Kati, one of my site members and film contributors - sent me three maps for my Christmas. It was a lovely surprise. One is the world, one is the UK and one is like a junior high school version of the states. It's probably for a classroom so you can learn the capitals of the states...

It rather looks like the map we used for my ROAD TRIP ACROSS AMERICA....'cept it has the capitals labelled on mine. It's so fun to see these RED DOTS around the world...but a little sad when you realise why they're being marked on my map (e.g. they were dumped!)

As I always say, "Heartbreak knows no boundaries". Happens to all of us at least once in our lives...

Ok it's midnight, and sleep beckons. Thanks for popping by. Be sure to check out Gordon's tunes on MySpace ok?

I GO OUT ON FRIDAY NIGHT, I COME HOME ON SATURDAY MORNING

2008-02-23T14:46:00.009Z

SPECIAL?

Who remembers that song by the SPECIALS track - which goes "I go out on Friday night and I come home on Saturday morning?" Anyone? Anyone?...Bueller? Ok maybe just me. It's a great track, despite the fact it's all about getting hammered...Still it's what's been spinning through my head today...because well it's what happened (not the getting pissed part, the part about going out on Friday night and coming home Saturday morning!) ;)

DON'T BREAK MY HEART (AGAIN)...

The KATE WALSH gig was a lovely little concert in a sweet, wee venue in Glasgow's West End called ORAN MOR. She sounded heavenly and am enjoying her tracks on MySpace while I type. Highlihgts for me were "Dont Break My Heart", "Fireworks" and you have to love "Your Song" by her - which I was amazed Nic didn't know....("he doesn't know just how far I would go just to kiss him...")

Last night, it has to be said, was helped that she was with me. We always have a good time out - no matter what. Do you have mates like that? It's cool isn't it? 'Could use a few more of them...But for a few hours we philosophised, we laughed, we swayed to the music and (generally) just had a good night. Wasn't only slightly marred by an "EX" (and replacement) spotting - so that just goes to show just how good of a night it was...! Ha.

...and hey, it got better as the night went on into the morning - but I am not at liberty to discuss on a public blog for privacy reasons (and because my dad reads this blog now and again). ;)

But I will say I love it when you have those nights where wonderful, spontaneous providence occurs and for a little while "all is right with the world". Today that zen-like state remains - if a little plagued by fatigue. (No complaints on that part...) ;)

NEARLY MARCH

How did that happen? The year's flashing by before my eyes. March is a lot of filming...I am excited to reconnect with old site members (now friends) and to meet new ones. We have a fun night out planned in London and I just can't wait. Another one in Glasgow mid month.

In both cases, I imagine much fun will be had, and more than a few beers will be downed (not by me of course but by my wonderful community members).

VETERAN MEMBERS

So the other night I had a wonderful chat with Josh. Josh used the site back in 2000 (or so) when his marriage broke down. He was eloquent even seeped in his pain and went on to publish a book of poetry. He's traveled the world and last year married again and has a gorgeous wee boy.

We had never spoken on the phone but it felt like we'd known each other for years. Hoping to meet Josh (and his family) in April when the UK ROAD TRIP commences. It's so great to see RESILIENCE up close like that. Amazing and inspiring. I like to witness the growth in others which is good because it's something I observe on a daily basis.

CURRENT MEMBERS

Yesterday's blog inspired a comment by Cookie in India where he poses the question:

"Any tips as to gaining an identity?"
Cookie is what my mother would refer to as an "Old Soul". A term to mean someone who is wise beyond their years. 18 goin on 40. There are a few of them on the site just now.

It's an excellent question, Cookie. I am not sure I am equipped to answer it in a worthy manner. But what I can do is tell you some thoughts in my head...

I think it takes TIME to become who you are. It takes the will to grow and learn from every experience - the pleasurable as well as the painful. It takes asking questions every day like "how do I really feel right now?" and "what can I learn from this expereince?" and "how can I best serve during my time on earth?" whatever it may be. The answers are different for all of us.

For now my role is "agent of change" - with the sole desire to live my best most productive life and in the course of doing so - hopefully INSPIRE others on their Path.

As regular readers of the blog (and site) will know, I have hundreds of quotes now - and many are about self-discovery...It's really all about that personal odyssey we are all on - at all times. We are all on the SAME PATH - we're just at different points on that Path.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss

“Learning is finding out what you already know. Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you. You are all learners, doers, and teachers.” - RICHARD BACH

Well I could cite quotes for days to come...but in the most-simple of terms - RALPH WALDO EMERSON said "Live well, Learn plenty, Laugh often, Love much." and strive to live the GOLDEN RULE.

Love and Light, xx

HOORAY IT'S FRIDAY

2008-02-22T12:39:00.005Z

UPDATES
Well I am at the library working away but leaving soon because I fear the hunger growls emanating from my stomach may put people off their work and studies...

Up at the crack of dawn - couldn't sleep - so just got up and had an appointment with my new bank man Scott to set up a new account. Glad that's done and dusted.

Last night I did my first show for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL - it was the most nerve wracking thing I've done in months and months. I've not done "live radio" in about 16 months. I felt it. Going into it, it felt like a fish on a bike, but once I got through the first, wobbly link - it felt good. Oh sure I made mistakes, "cocked it up" but hey I am human. Love to talk and play music...But it's been challenging getting enough new CDs to fill an hour so I've played many of my old favorites and today another CD rolled in from the wonderful FINNISTON so that will be a kick off for show 2.

The first show airs March 7 at 6:00AM UK time - which is rather unsociable, I know...but that's handy for West Coast family and friends to hear it Thursday night at 10pm :) (Or the Australian/NZ contingent on a Friday afternoon/evening!)

Then the show gets repeated at 1:00AM on Saturday into Sunday...(so Sunday morning) - which then means 5pm Saturday night California time or Sunday morning down under!

Again do check out the RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL website for details....the show gets broadcast on FM in random places like Slovakia and Wellington, New Zealand. I don't understand it all but just happy to be back doing what I love...

While it's not a "break up" show - did manage to plug the "upcoming documentary film" currently "in production" as I played two artists who will appear in the film and on the soundtrack...tune in to find out which two :)

BOYS BOYS BOYS

I don't know what it is but my community seems to be over flowing with YOUNG MEN, fairly fresh out of break-ups (in some cases less than a week) who feel the impulse to suddenly "get back out there".

It's about the biggest pet peeve of mine - REBOUNDING and not waiting until they've healed properly...

Even though I've known better, I've been hurt (a few times) by guys who were so "not ready" to be out there again, but who did it anyway. While it's not clearly a "black and white" situation - I have done one article called ARE YOU OVER IT and I'd advise any of you who are fresh off the dump heap and looking to "get back out there" - to take a look at the article first. I hope it provides some food for thought.

I think the world would be a happier place if people took time to heal before bouncing into something else. Sometimes even a year is not a enough, one former member in America (a man in his early 50s) now writes me asking for advice on how to dump his partner of a year. I cringed when he told me he was dating. I do that a lot but what you can you do? You can't "get it" for other people - they need to come to it themselves.

It's good practice to teach me to BITE MY TONGUE.

One of the lads yesterday felt a real cyber jolt by my reply when he asked if he should try "internet dating" - this was sparked solely because his ex of only a matter of weeks was seeing someone else. It's like there is this competition to see who can be "over it" first. I've got news for many, just because you're dating someone new, and even happy - it doesn't mean you're over it.

Another lad - just a matter of days out of his relationship - still in the can't eat, can't sleep, drinking himself stupid phase - announced he had an upcoming date.

I felt like crying. I really did.

Why is there this pressure to GET OVER SOMEONE BY GETTING UNDER SOMEONE ELSE? Is it Hollywood? Is it celebrities? Is it simply our insecure EGOS that are so incredibly worried how it "looks" to be single? I've been single eight years now. Dated plenty but not found the "right relationship" therefor never got into one. And I certainly wouldn't want to - just to settle...To avoid being alone. No thanks.

I guess I've never much cared about what other people think of me - which helps. I like my own company - which also helps. I made a vow to myself to find my happiness within rather than trying (in vain) to find someone else to make me happy. Now I am looking for my male equivalent...so we can share the happiness...but that's a whole lot different than looking for someone else to "complete" me.

No one can complete anyone else....it only SEEMS like it.

Just came across this quote in my searching:

"I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me somebody."
- Louis L'Amour

I truly wish more people were like that. SYBD is a window on the world of relationship dynamics. It is sometimes enriching and rewarding to look through the window and on other days it's despairingly painful and bleak. I see the best in people and the worst in people and it brings out the best in me and the worst in me. I guess it's like holding a mirror up in the spiritual sense.

Well that's all. I was planning on this being a short update but I guess the universe had other plans for my fingers.

Now it s time to break for lunch....I am off to see KATE WALSH with Nic tonight. I can't wait...Good music and good friends - there is no better combo. Love and light to all...xx

CHOOSE LIFE

2008-02-19T12:04:00.005Z

Well it's been a slightly low few days since my last post, and presumably "understandably so". On the thread about this young man's passing replies (condolences) have come in from across the US and UK and India, France, Ireland, Venezuela, New Zealand and Spain so far. That’s quite a tribute! How often do we touch people around the globe like that? He never knew that, I bet. Most of us don't walk around thinking we "touch" other people. In fact most of us feel like we don't, I suspect, but a little experience like this can and does touch us.

Here is one of my replies on the thread about the young lad...

"I'm still low...and I guess in shock...Mostly I am sad for the family and for the site members that I know were close and who are having a tough time of it right now.

All events have ripples. I think positive stuff comes from even the darkest of experiences - so I am not "questioning" anything, and will just be at peace with the knowing that all will be revealed in time.

His rather short life had meaning and it will have positive ripples to all whom he came in contact with. I hope they all find a way to benefit from this pain so that his life was not a waste.

While it was obvious he was deeply unhappy I know full-well (on a spiritual level) that he'd not want any family members or friends to feel that way, so I hope instead of mourning too long - they choose to CELEBRATE LIFE. His life. Our life. We're not long here and we need to make the best and most of it whilst we are here...

It's just a shame that he didn't live long enough to fully realise that NO STORM LASTS FOREVER...

We are resilient by nature.

I know, I am one who has "lost" much - a marriage, a relationship, a mother, a surrogate mother, friends, other family members, the list goes on...

But each situation of loss should eventually inspire us to live life to the fullest, I believe. These types of experiences do serve as reminders, at least for me...that
"Life is precious."

We waste so much time worrying about stupid stuff, texts that don't get replied to, or perceived "slights" that friends (or even strangers) have uttered at us, or by feeling we are some how unworthy, unloved, or unlovable.

We are all worthy. We are all loved - even though we may feel we lack concrete evidence to that fact...

We are all in this together...I hope that the people closest to him or who were touched by him will be INSPIRED TO LIVE and not INSPIRED TO DIE by this recent turn of events.

I wish much peace to the family and to the friends. I am sure he, the kind-hearted soul, would want nothing less..."

Other replies were so eloquent I thought I might share one or two with you...Maybe if you've lost someone you'll find some comfort in these words and sentiments, I don't know?

Dolor (Australia)It's so upsetting, that he felt this was the best course of action. It really changes your perspective. Somehow, no matter how painful your relationship breakdown and associated mourning feels, it somehow seems insignificant to something this big.

Cookie (India)

This is heartbreaking news. Zemox is certainly at peace now. At peace with himself, and at peace with the world. It is such an intense loss, and so...irreversible, that it aches all of us. I wish he hadn't done it. But we cannot change what has happened. Let us say a tiny prayer wishing his soul peace and contentment

SK (Nor Ireland) You never believed how much you were truly cared for. I will miss your sweet words and support, and I will miss supporting you. You've been such a rock through these heavy months, and I only hope that you have finally found the peace you couldn't in your life. I'm so sad to have lost you from my life.

Bobsies (England) Words can't explain how truly gutted I am. You were such a truly amazing person. sooo talented, caring, funny and you were so gorgeous. I am going to miss you more than you'll ever know. you've been there for me in my darkest times and ill never forget that. you always put a smile on my face. don't know what ill do without you. I really hope your in a happier place now.

mumu (Spain) - This is the saddest thing we could read on here...I can only say that I am so sorry. I could see from his posts that he was a good person trying to help many of us out in any way he could. I’m sure he gave a lot to the people around him and made their world better.

Jackieo (USA) - I read this thread last night and found myself weeping. Weeping for someone who I never met, spoke to or even written to on SYBD. But he represented how so many of us have felt. His passing has touched me and I can't explain why and how. All deepest sympathies to his family and to all those who are now left without him.

That last one summed it up for me. Touched by strangers. I guess that is what this community is all about. Reaching out, touching, supporting, and connecting.

While residual sadness lingers, I know life can and must go on.

NEW BLOG FOR FILM

And onto a more cheerful subject a new blog is created for the progress of the SYBD DOCUMENTARY...So to keep up to date on fliming, funding and snippets please surf on over to kinekterfilms.co.uk the site to follow along with its progress....

SO THERE...

As for ending on an "up" note, that's about the best I can do, I'm afraid. 'Am busy trying to do some writing, organising my first radio show on radio six and over seeing the world's lovelorn too. But yesterday my dad sent a massive car package with crazy American cereals, candy and San Francisco Sour Dough Bread - so I shall go and make myself a sandwich and savour it. Then I am going to pick up another box from America - also no doubt filled with Valentine treats from Kimba! So yeah, "every day above ground is a good day"....

Peace and love to all....xxx

THE SADDEST SYBD DAY,....EVER

2008-02-16T16:17:00.000Z

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. The sun was shining, and it's Saturday which is always a bonus. So I get out of bed thinking "I'll have a relaxing morning and head to the gym..."

But I log on to check SYBD (as I do every morning) only this morning is unlike no other. A private message alerts me to the fact that a wonderful community member has taken his own life.

I am shocked and saddened.

Over the years, I can't begin to tell you how many people have "threatened" to kill themself, and to my knowledge none ever has.

This lad never did threaten to do - he just went ahead and did it - as far as I know. All I know is what a few site members have told me.

I have heard the "news" was broken on his Facebook page, but we are not "friends" on it, only through my site where he's been posting since last Spring.

While, on a conscious level, I know I am not "responsible" for anyone else's life, their happiness or their death, the other side of me feels somehow responsible.

I can only imagine how his family and friends must feel. I cried earlier, for them, not really for him - because I will assume he is in a better place. "Some Fantastic Place" as Squeeze once sang.

...But to be so young (in his early 20s) and so sad and lost just doesn't seem fair. Articulate, attractive, creative, musical, intelligent and sensitive - and no doubt so many other wonderful adjectives - it just doesn't seem right to have cut himself off in his prime.

I've not had "conformation". I can only go on what's been reported to me (his absense from the internet), and so there is that part of me that thinks - "well maybe he just packed a bag and hit the road" - but I think deep down, I know it's true. I know I am in denial.

Honestly, as weird as it sounds, I feel like one of my own kids has died. I feel like a headmisstress of a school. HEARTBREAK HIGH or something. I feel protective both of the one who has gone as well as of all the ones who remain in the community.

I already know how hard it's affecting some of its members (the ones who've told me). Can't help but worry how it will affect them now - having this added loss to contend with.

This is so new to me. I guess it's somewhat inevitable. I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts of my own, at times, (I think many or most people have), but at the end of the day I like living too much. I reckon we're not here for all that long anyway...

Actually it reminds me of a quote that sums me up - Agatha Christie once said:

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

I am sorry my young friend didn't live long enough to feel the same. I am off to break it to my community. It is indeed thee saddest post I will have ever written.

I'll leave you on an up-note, with a sweet Dr. Seuss sentiment:
“Don't cry because it’s over, smile because it happened!”

That's what I am gonna try to do...Smile because he LIVED (not because he died...) but at the end of the day they're all part of the same line aren't they? I think I'll go for that swim now...

FRIENDS - HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?

2008-02-15T23:26:00.003Z

My father has always liked to say that "people who can get to the end of their lives and count their good friends on one hand have been a success". I think he is probably right. I must admit - I have had many friends come and go through my life but I am truly grateful for all of them...(even the ones who left)...

I'm currently working on a book of some inspirational quotes from anywhere I can source them from and one I am going to mail to my friends is the following:

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” - G. Randolf

As I am sat here late at night, working at my desk, a donation came in from last week's "begging email". In it was twenty dollars (about £10.00) from my oldest friend in the world, Sharon. We've been friends since third grade. Though she lives in Utah, and we seldom speak, Sharon is no less of a friend. We had amazing times in the Californian mountains growing up, and later on as we both studied in London in 1987.

I can't begin to tell you how touched I was by the donation. Some people I thought would support me, simply haven't even acknowledged the email. Some have offered "advice" but "no money"....and yesterday more than a hundred pounds arrived in the mail. (Couldn't have arrived on a better day!) ;)

It's not just about the money it's about people supporting me. Their support no matter how small (in some cases) is bolstering me up...It's helping to vanquish the self-doubt that sometimes ails me. Yeah, I know it (belief) needs to be an "inside job" - but the support of family and friends is proving invaluable to me. It really is. So if you have taken the time to support me, thank you so much!

As Gandhi once said: "If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning."

Truer words seldom spoken...

I guess the kindness of some is helping obliterate my disappointment in others. I know I have the CHOICE to be disappointed or not. I do realise that, so am doing my utmost to not be disappointed. Sometimes though it's challenging and feeling hurt seems inevitable. At least my periods of being "hurt" are much shorter than they've ever been before in my life. So that is progress indeed. How great would it be to eradicate hurt and disapponitment in others completely?

SOCIAL BUTTERFLY!

It is so exciting. It's truly becoming a very busy diary for the next three or four months...planes, trains and automobiles - across the UK and US.....London, Manchester, Liverpool, Exeter, New York, Boston, Pittsburg, Cleveland, SF etc...And I am sure many other places in between...

How blessed am I? In some ways "poor" but in most ways "rich"...

THE BUCKET LIST

I checked out the new film THE BUCKET LIST today. Talk about perspective. Freeman and Nicholson were both super-excellent. Their chemistry was fantastic. Bring tissue!

I've long since had a list of things to do before I die and slowly I am ticking them off one-by-one. On there were things like "visit the Grand Canyon" and "Go to Italy" and "buy a home" - among other things. I think it's time to update the list...For instance I've been to NYC three times and I've yet to walk around Central Park. This May for sure! :)

WE ARE TOGETHER

Well good news - you can find out if WE ARE TOGETHER is playing in your area on this page here. Don't just take my word for it. It's getting wonderful reviews, has taken all kinds of awards at various festival and even BONO says "it's an incredible piece of work".

PARTING QUOTE

To wrap up...

“Some friends are always there during the good times; others rush to help at bad times. True friends rejoice at your good news and cry with you when you're sad.” - Judy Ashberg