RECONNECTING

WHO'S THAT LUCKY JIM?

Well as many know I am gearing up for a month of radio shows on RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL - so I spend my days (and nights) multi-tasking! While trying to work on a book, I am also surfing MySpace looking for bands to play on my show...

Bear with me here...this is a bit rambly....

So I was going through CD collection earlier today looking for tracks not yet added to ITUNES (of which there are thousands)...and I came across the LOST SOUL BAND....

Former Q96 listeners (to my early shows back in the early nineties) may recall that I use to play them fanatically. Have fond memories of sessions/interviews with them - in particular GORDON GRAHAME.

I am getting there, hold on....

So tonight, when playing the wonderful "Looking Through the Butcher's Window" - I thought - "I wonder what happened to Gordon G?" and so I looked him up on MySpace and found a link to LUCKY JIM.

Man, that name sure sounded familiar, but I didn't think too much of it...so I fired off a "hello, remember me?" message to Gordon (thankfully he did!), and then went to play his tracks...and, of course, the moment I heard the track "You're Lovely to Me"...It clicked!

Those of you who live in the UK will probably know it too. You see, it's from a Kingsmill Bread ad (of all things).

It was such a great song that I'd actually searched for it last year when I was hearing that ad! That's why the name "Lucky Jim" was familiar. I just never put two-and-two together. Sometimes life is a trip, 15 years later and we've come full circle!!

GO - LONDON!

Incidentally, the last time I saw G was in 2000 when I did "GO FM". Gordon's now living in London with wife Sophie (who sings some backing vocals etc) and has a new record called TRUE NORTH. Am thoroughly enjoying the tracks on the player - check him out.

Of all the band interviews I've ever done - the strangest one was with Gordon - we ended up completely off tangent - talking about death of all things. Least you can't accuse me of asking the 'normal' questions :) I seem to recall he really was happy that we took an unusual turn like that.

Speaking of London, actually, I am gearing up for a wonderful, lil jaunt...I am mixing much business with much pleasure. I am meeting old friends, old site members and new, plus my lovely agent, James, my film producer Stefan and even "my good ex" Neil....(who is photographing me while I am being interviewed for the movie.) Exciting times! Ain't life grand? And of course my home away from home - at Hannah's. Always a pleasure!

MORE CONTRIBUTORS STEPPING UP

Well more people are both coming forward - 1) offering to be interviewed as well as 2) donating their money.

In fact, this evening a former Q96 colleague Amy text messaged me to say she's sending a cheque Friday! She, was the only person from my former station who even acknowledged the email - so bless her for that. Some people are just good eggs, I guess. I am very grateful.

And as I say more people are coming forward. I am attempting to be Tao-like and not stress that I have so many WOMEN and so few MEN. I just keep reminging myself that who ever is 'meant to be' in the film - will be. I vow to not twist any arms and coerce anyone who doesn't feel comfortable to be in a potentially life-changing film (for all of us). Not everyone is confident enough to bear their soul on camera - I get that.

It's the homestretch and it's so exciting.

ALL OVER THE WORLD

Cue an ELO song...(which I've just noticed is not in ITUNES, how can that be?)...anyhow tonight, I crawled down on the floor, red pen in hand and marked all the places where site members have said they are from on the "Where Are You?" thread. Kati, one of my site members and film contributors - sent me three maps for my Christmas. It was a lovely surprise. One is the world, one is the UK and one is like a junior high school version of the states. It's probably for a classroom so you can learn the capitals of the states...

It rather looks like the map we used for my ROAD TRIP ACROSS AMERICA....'cept it has the capitals labelled on mine. It's so fun to see these RED DOTS around the world...but a little sad when you realise why they're being marked on my map (e.g. they were dumped!)

As I always say, "Heartbreak knows no boundaries". Happens to all of us at least once in our lives...

Ok it's midnight, and sleep beckons. Thanks for popping by. Be sure to check out Gordon's tunes on MySpace ok?

I GO OUT ON FRIDAY NIGHT, I COME HOME ON SATURDAY MORNING

SPECIAL?

Who remembers that song by the SPECIALS track - which goes "I go out on Friday night and I come home on Saturday morning?" Anyone? Anyone?...Bueller? Ok maybe just me. It's a great track, despite the fact it's all about getting hammered...Still it's what's been spinning through my head today...because well it's what happened (not the getting pissed part, the part about going out on Friday night and coming home Saturday morning!) ;)

DON'T BREAK MY HEART (AGAIN)...

The KATE WALSH gig was a lovely little concert in a sweet, wee venue in Glasgow's West End called ORAN MOR. She sounded heavenly and am enjoying her tracks on MySpace while I type. Highlihgts for me were "Dont Break My Heart", "Fireworks" and you have to love "Your Song" by her - which I was amazed Nic didn't know....("he doesn't know just how far I would go just to kiss him...")

Last night, it has to be said, was helped that she was with me. We always have a good time out - no matter what. Do you have mates like that? It's cool isn't it? 'Could use a few more of them...But for a few hours we philosophised, we laughed, we swayed to the music and (generally) just had a good night. Wasn't only slightly marred by an "EX" (and replacement) spotting - so that just goes to show just how good of a night it was...! Ha.

...and hey, it got better as the night went on into the morning - but I am not at liberty to discuss on a public blog for privacy reasons (and because my dad reads this blog now and again). ;)

But I will say I love it when you have those nights where wonderful, spontaneous providence occurs and for a little while "all is right with the world". Today that zen-like state remains - if a little plagued by fatigue. (No complaints on that part...) ;)

NEARLY MARCH

How did that happen? The year's flashing by before my eyes. March is a lot of filming...I am excited to reconnect with old site members (now friends) and to meet new ones. We have a fun night out planned in London and I just can't wait. Another one in Glasgow mid month.

In both cases, I imagine much fun will be had, and more than a few beers will be downed (not by me of course but by my wonderful community members).

VETERAN MEMBERS

So the other night I had a wonderful chat with Josh. Josh used the site back in 2000 (or so) when his marriage broke down. He was eloquent even seeped in his pain and went on to publish a book of poetry. He's traveled the world and last year married again and has a gorgeous wee boy.

We had never spoken on the phone but it felt like we'd known each other for years. Hoping to meet Josh (and his family) in April when the UK ROAD TRIP commences. It's so great to see RESILIENCE up close like that. Amazing and inspiring. I like to witness the growth in others which is good because it's something I observe on a daily basis.

CURRENT MEMBERS

Yesterday's blog inspired a comment by Cookie in India where he poses the question:

"Any tips as to gaining an identity?"
Cookie is what my mother would refer to as an "Old Soul". A term to mean someone who is wise beyond their years. 18 goin on 40. There are a few of them on the site just now.

It's an excellent question, Cookie. I am not sure I am equipped to answer it in a worthy manner. But what I can do is tell you some thoughts in my head...

I think it takes TIME to become who you are. It takes the will to grow and learn from every experience - the pleasurable as well as the painful. It takes asking questions every day like "how do I really feel right now?" and "what can I learn from this expereince?" and "how can I best serve during my time on earth?" whatever it may be. The answers are different for all of us.

For now my role is "agent of change" - with the sole desire to live my best most productive life and in the course of doing so - hopefully INSPIRE others on their Path.

As regular readers of the blog (and site) will know, I have hundreds of quotes now - and many are about self-discovery...It's really all about that personal odyssey we are all on - at all times. We are all on the SAME PATH - we're just at different points on that Path.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss

“Learning is finding out what you already know. Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you. You are all learners, doers, and teachers.” - RICHARD BACH


Well I could cite quotes for days to come...but in the most-simple of terms - RALPH WALDO EMERSON said "Live well, Learn plenty, Laugh often, Love much." and strive to live the GOLDEN RULE.

Love and Light, xx

HOORAY IT'S FRIDAY

UPDATES
Well I am at the library working away but leaving soon because I fear the hunger growls emanating from my stomach may put people off their work and studies...

Up at the crack of dawn - couldn't sleep - so just got up and had an appointment with my new bank man Scott to set up a new account. Glad that's done and dusted.

Last night I did my first show for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL - it was the most nerve wracking thing I've done in months and months. I've not done "live radio" in about 16 months. I felt it. Going into it, it felt like a fish on a bike, but once I got through the first, wobbly link - it felt good. Oh sure I made mistakes, "cocked it up" but hey I am human. Love to talk and play music...But it's been challenging getting enough new CDs to fill an hour so I've played many of my old favorites and today another CD rolled in from the wonderful FINNISTON so that will be a kick off for show 2.

The first show airs March 7 at 6:00AM UK time - which is rather unsociable, I know...but that's handy for West Coast family and friends to hear it Thursday night at 10pm :) (Or the Australian/NZ contingent on a Friday afternoon/evening!)

Then the show gets repeated at 1:00AM on Saturday into Sunday...(so Sunday morning) - which then means 5pm Saturday night California time or Sunday morning down under!

Again do check out the RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL website for details....the show gets broadcast on FM in random places like Slovakia and Wellington, New Zealand. I don't understand it all but just happy to be back doing what I love...

While it's not a "break up" show - did manage to plug the "upcoming documentary film" currently "in production" as I played two artists who will appear in the film and on the soundtrack...tune in to find out which two :)

BOYS BOYS BOYS

I don't know what it is but my community seems to be over flowing with YOUNG MEN, fairly fresh out of break-ups (in some cases less than a week) who feel the impulse to suddenly "get back out there".

It's about the biggest pet peeve of mine - REBOUNDING and not waiting until they've healed properly...

Even though I've known better, I've been hurt (a few times) by guys who were so "not ready" to be out there again, but who did it anyway. While it's not clearly a "black and white" situation - I have done one article called ARE YOU OVER IT and I'd advise any of you who are fresh off the dump heap and looking to "get back out there" - to take a look at the article first. I hope it provides some food for thought.

I think the world would be a happier place if people took time to heal before bouncing into something else. Sometimes even a year is not a enough, one former member in America (a man in his early 50s) now writes me asking for advice on how to dump his partner of a year. I cringed when he told me he was dating. I do that a lot but what you can you do? You can't "get it" for other people - they need to come to it themselves.

It's good practice to teach me to BITE MY TONGUE.

One of the lads yesterday felt a real cyber jolt by my reply when he asked if he should try "internet dating" - this was sparked solely because his ex of only a matter of weeks was seeing someone else. It's like there is this competition to see who can be "over it" first. I've got news for many, just because you're dating someone new, and even happy - it doesn't mean you're over it.

Another lad - just a matter of days out of his relationship - still in the can't eat, can't sleep, drinking himself stupid phase - announced he had an upcoming date.

I felt like crying. I really did.

Why is there this pressure to GET OVER SOMEONE BY GETTING UNDER SOMEONE ELSE? Is it Hollywood? Is it celebrities? Is it simply our insecure EGOS that are so incredibly worried how it "looks" to be single? I've been single eight years now. Dated plenty but not found the "right relationship" therefor never got into one. And I certainly wouldn't want to - just to settle...To avoid being alone. No thanks.

I guess I've never much cared about what other people think of me - which helps. I like my own company - which also helps. I made a vow to myself to find my happiness within rather than trying (in vain) to find someone else to make me happy. Now I am looking for my male equivalent...so we can share the happiness...but that's a whole lot different than looking for someone else to "complete" me.

No one can complete anyone else....it only SEEMS like it.

Just came across this quote in my searching:

"I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me somebody."
- Louis L'Amour

I truly wish more people were like that. SYBD is a window on the world of relationship dynamics. It is sometimes enriching and rewarding to look through the window and on other days it's despairingly painful and bleak. I see the best in people and the worst in people and it brings out the best in me and the worst in me. I guess it's like holding a mirror up in the spiritual sense.

Well that's all. I was planning on this being a short update but I guess the universe had other plans for my fingers.

Now it s time to break for lunch....I am off to see KATE WALSH with Nic tonight. I can't wait...Good music and good friends - there is no better combo. Love and light to all...xx

CHOOSE LIFE

Well it's been a slightly low few days since my last post, and presumably "understandably so". On the thread about this young man's passing replies (condolences) have come in from across the US and UK and India, France, Ireland, Venezuela, New Zealand and Spain so far. That’s quite a tribute! How often do we touch people around the globe like that? He never knew that, I bet. Most of us don't walk around thinking we "touch" other people. In fact most of us feel like we don't, I suspect, but a little experience like this can and does touch us.

Here is one of my replies on the thread about the young lad...

"I'm still low...and I guess in shock...Mostly I am sad for the family and for the site members that I know were close and who are having a tough time of it right now.

All events have ripples. I think positive stuff comes from even the darkest of experiences - so I am not "questioning" anything, and will just be at peace with the knowing that all will be revealed in time.

His rather short life had meaning and it will have positive ripples to all whom he came in contact with. I hope they all find a way to benefit from this pain so that his life was not a waste.

While it was obvious he was deeply unhappy I know full-well (on a spiritual level) that he'd not want any family members or friends to feel that way, so I hope instead of mourning too long - they choose to CELEBRATE LIFE. His life. Our life. We're not long here and we need to make the best and most of it whilst we are here...

It's just a shame that he didn't live long enough to fully realise that NO STORM LASTS FOREVER...

We are resilient by nature.

I know, I am one who has "lost" much - a marriage, a relationship, a mother, a surrogate mother, friends, other family members, the list goes on...

But each situation of loss should eventually inspire us to live life to the fullest, I believe. These types of experiences do serve as reminders, at least for me...that
"Life is precious."

We waste so much time worrying about stupid stuff, texts that don't get replied to, or perceived "slights" that friends (or even strangers) have uttered at us, or by feeling we are some how unworthy, unloved, or unlovable.

We are all worthy. We are all loved - even though we may feel we lack concrete evidence to that fact...

We are all in this together...I hope that the people closest to him or who were touched by him will be INSPIRED TO LIVE and not INSPIRED TO DIE by this recent turn of events.

I wish much peace to the family and to the friends. I am sure he, the kind-hearted soul, would want nothing less..."

Other replies were so eloquent I thought I might share one or two with you...Maybe if you've lost someone you'll find some comfort in these words and sentiments, I don't know?

Dolor (Australia)It's so upsetting, that he felt this was the best course of action. It really changes your perspective. Somehow, no matter how painful your relationship breakdown and associated mourning feels, it somehow seems insignificant to something this big.

Cookie (India)

This is heartbreaking news. Zemox is certainly at peace now. At peace with himself, and at peace with the world. It is such an intense loss, and so...irreversible, that it aches all of us. I wish he hadn't done it. But we cannot change what has happened. Let us say a tiny prayer wishing his soul peace and contentment

SK (Nor Ireland) You never believed how much you were truly cared for. I will miss your sweet words and support, and I will miss supporting you. You've been such a rock through these heavy months, and I only hope that you have finally found the peace you couldn't in your life. I'm so sad to have lost you from my life.

Bobsies (England) Words can't explain how truly gutted I am. You were such a truly amazing person. sooo talented, caring, funny and you were so gorgeous. I am going to miss you more than you'll ever know. you've been there for me in my darkest times and ill never forget that. you always put a smile on my face. don't know what ill do without you. I really hope your in a happier place now.

mumu (Spain) - This is the saddest thing we could read on here...I can only say that I am so sorry. I could see from his posts that he was a good person trying to help many of us out in any way he could. I’m sure he gave a lot to the people around him and made their world better.

Jackieo (USA) - I read this thread last night and found myself weeping. Weeping for someone who I never met, spoke to or even written to on SYBD. But he represented how so many of us have felt. His passing has touched me and I can't explain why and how. All deepest sympathies to his family and to all those who are now left without him.

That last one summed it up for me. Touched by strangers. I guess that is what this community is all about. Reaching out, touching, supporting, and connecting.

While residual sadness lingers, I know life can and must go on.

NEW BLOG FOR FILM

And onto a more cheerful subject a new blog is created for the progress of the SYBD DOCUMENTARY...So to keep up to date on fliming, funding and snippets please surf on over to kinekterfilms.co.uk the site to follow along with its progress....

SO THERE...

As for ending on an "up" note, that's about the best I can do, I'm afraid. 'Am busy trying to do some writing, organising my first radio show on radio six and over seeing the world's lovelorn too. But yesterday my dad sent a massive car package with crazy American cereals, candy and San Francisco Sour Dough Bread - so I shall go and make myself a sandwich and savour it. Then I am going to pick up another box from America - also no doubt filled with Valentine treats from Kimba! So yeah, "every day above ground is a good day"....

Peace and love to all....xxx

THE SADDEST SYBD DAY,....EVER

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. The sun was shining, and it's Saturday which is always a bonus. So I get out of bed thinking "I'll have a relaxing morning and head to the gym..."

But I log on to check SYBD (as I do every morning) only this morning is unlike no other. A private message alerts me to the fact that a wonderful community member has taken his own life.

I am shocked and saddened.

Over the years, I can't begin to tell you how many people have "threatened" to kill themself, and to my knowledge none ever has.

This lad never did threaten to do - he just went ahead and did it - as far as I know. All I know is what a few site members have told me.

I have heard the "news" was broken on his Facebook page, but we are not "friends" on it, only through my site where he's been posting since last Spring.

While, on a conscious level, I know I am not "responsible" for anyone else's life, their happiness or their death, the other side of me feels somehow responsible.

I can only imagine how his family and friends must feel. I cried earlier, for them, not really for him - because I will assume he is in a better place. "Some Fantastic Place" as Squeeze once sang.

...But to be so young (in his early 20s) and so sad and lost just doesn't seem fair. Articulate, attractive, creative, musical, intelligent and sensitive - and no doubt so many other wonderful adjectives - it just doesn't seem right to have cut himself off in his prime.

I've not had "conformation". I can only go on what's been reported to me (his absense from the internet), and so there is that part of me that thinks - "well maybe he just packed a bag and hit the road" - but I think deep down, I know it's true. I know I am in denial.

Honestly, as weird as it sounds, I feel like one of my own kids has died. I feel like a headmisstress of a school. HEARTBREAK HIGH or something. I feel protective both of the one who has gone as well as of all the ones who remain in the community.

I already know how hard it's affecting some of its members (the ones who've told me). Can't help but worry how it will affect them now - having this added loss to contend with.

This is so new to me. I guess it's somewhat inevitable. I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts of my own, at times, (I think many or most people have), but at the end of the day I like living too much. I reckon we're not here for all that long anyway...

Actually it reminds me of a quote that sums me up - Agatha Christie once said:

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

I am sorry my young friend didn't live long enough to feel the same. I am off to break it to my community. It is indeed thee saddest post I will have ever written.

I'll leave you on an up-note, with a sweet Dr. Seuss sentiment:
“Don't cry because it’s over, smile because it happened!”

That's what I am gonna try to do...Smile because he LIVED (not because he died...) but at the end of the day they're all part of the same line aren't they? I think I'll go for that swim now...

FRIENDS - HOW MANY OF US HAVE THEM?

My father has always liked to say that "people who can get to the end of their lives and count their good friends on one hand have been a success". I think he is probably right. I must admit - I have had many friends come and go through my life but I am truly grateful for all of them...(even the ones who left)...

I'm currently working on a book of some inspirational quotes from anywhere I can source them from and one I am going to mail to my friends is the following:

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” - G. Randolf

As I am sat here late at night, working at my desk, a donation came in from last week's "begging email". In it was twenty dollars (about £10.00) from my oldest friend in the world, Sharon. We've been friends since third grade. Though she lives in Utah, and we seldom speak, Sharon is no less of a friend. We had amazing times in the Californian mountains growing up, and later on as we both studied in London in 1987.

I can't begin to tell you how touched I was by the donation. Some people I thought would support me, simply haven't even acknowledged the email. Some have offered "advice" but "no money"....and yesterday more than a hundred pounds arrived in the mail. (Couldn't have arrived on a better day!) ;)

It's not just about the money it's about people supporting me. Their support no matter how small (in some cases) is bolstering me up...It's helping to vanquish the self-doubt that sometimes ails me. Yeah, I know it (belief) needs to be an "inside job" - but the support of family and friends is proving invaluable to me. It really is. So if you have taken the time to support me, thank you so much!

As Gandhi once said: "If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning."

Truer words seldom spoken...

I guess the kindness of some is helping obliterate my disappointment in others. I know I have the CHOICE to be disappointed or not. I do realise that, so am doing my utmost to not be disappointed. Sometimes though it's challenging and feeling hurt seems inevitable. At least my periods of being "hurt" are much shorter than they've ever been before in my life. So that is progress indeed. How great would it be to eradicate hurt and disapponitment in others completely?

SOCIAL BUTTERFLY!

It is so exciting. It's truly becoming a very busy diary for the next three or four months...planes, trains and automobiles - across the UK and US.....London, Manchester, Liverpool, Exeter, New York, Boston, Pittsburg, Cleveland, SF etc...And I am sure many other places in between...

How blessed am I? In some ways "poor" but in most ways "rich"...

THE BUCKET LIST

I checked out the new film THE BUCKET LIST today. Talk about perspective. Freeman and Nicholson were both super-excellent. Their chemistry was fantastic. Bring tissue!

I've long since had a list of things to do before I die and slowly I am ticking them off one-by-one. On there were things like "visit the Grand Canyon" and "Go to Italy" and "buy a home" - among other things. I think it's time to update the list...For instance I've been to NYC three times and I've yet to walk around Central Park. This May for sure! :)

WE ARE TOGETHER

Well good news - you can find out if WE ARE TOGETHER is playing in your area on this page here. Don't just take my word for it. It's getting wonderful reviews, has taken all kinds of awards at various festival and even BONO says "it's an incredible piece of work".

PARTING QUOTE

To wrap up...

“Some friends are always there during the good times; others rush to help at bad times. True friends rejoice at your good news and cry with you when you're sad.” - Judy Ashberg

THAT FIRST TIME

My gorgeous and talented friend EOGHAN COLGAN (pronounced "Owen") has just officially released his single "That First Time", yesterday.

It is a special song for me. I think I was the first to ever spin it on the radio when I played it on my Q96 show in demo form (a totally different version!) It's a wondeful, little track and I encourage you all to go and check it out, please, and download it. Support the independents, my friends. It's actually on MEDICAL RECORDS which makes me laugh - as Eoghan is a doctor-come-rock-star. How clever is that? Ha!

If you tune into my radio show on RADIO SIX next month, you'll no doubt hear Eoghan and if you see the SO YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED documentary - you will there too. Look out for "I Can't Reach You Any More" on the soundtrack.

Speaking of the radio show - I am off to meet new boss man, Radio Sixes' TONY CURRIE at the BBC for lunch to discuss the new show. The show is just a series for the month of March...which is fine because as March kicks in - I am truly very busy. But regardless, I'm so excited.

More later.

ANOTHER WEEK BEGINS

JUMP!

Kicked off this week with a press show for the new action-adventure JUMPER. It was a fairly enjoyable watch, left wide open to be exploited by sequels - naturally. Nice seeing JAMIE BELL in a big ole lead - but again what's with the accent? Wasn't quite English, wasn't quite Scottish. Wasn't sure what to make of it. It was vanilla, I guess. Anyway as for the film - I liked the concept, it wasn't bad but can't say I "highly recommend it" - like I would something like JUNO.

After the movie, was a cheap lunch with my friend NICOLA where we tried to set right the universe with our discussions on LIFE, LOVE, THOUGHTS and CHOICES. I do believe our lives are shaped by the choices we make.

When to work or when to see friends. Who to date and who to leave. Where to live. What to buy. What to eat. How to spend our days. Especially what to think...All choices.

It actually amazes me now Nic and I can have the same conversation with only very slight variations for about eight years now. We seriously say the same thing over and over - but regardless, we always walk away feeling better for it. A true friend.

16 CANDLES

The weekend was a good, but a fairly quiet one. Some biking, exercising, movie watching, and vegging out. I saw DEFINITELY MAYBE Saturday - which was lightweight, and just what I needed. Sometimes we need a bit of fluff, don't we? Maybe it's just me?

Yesterday on a whim, I took a mini-road trip to the Kingdom of Fife. I took a 16-year old girl, who is like a niece, out for some pizza and a chat. As I sat there opposite her, I watched idly as she carried on text conversations with her school friends. I was reminded of my own youth. High School held some challenging moments (like most of us experienced) and it made me wonder, if given the chance, what I'd say if I could go back and speak to my own 16-year old Self.

Sometimes I wish I could go back - but knowing what I know now. Even these days, high school seems to be such a cruel time - I doubt that will ever change. As my young friend showed me her pics from a party the night before, she labels (almost apologetically) many of her friends as "ugly" which I have to admit saddened me. I tried to explain that it's an "inside job" (beauty) but she didn't seem to care. All that mattered was who is cuter.

Maybe in some sort of way, as adults, we are all still our former (high school) Selfs? Like in the "BREAKFAST CLUB" - we are still the geek, the jock, the burn out, or the freak. Even those who've shed their high school fat to become swan like thin - are still the "fat kid" deep inside. How many movies are there that portray this? Loads of course.

I rather feel like I missed a chance to bestow some sort of "wisdom" to my 16-year old friend yesterday, but even what I did manage to say, I don't think she actually heard - because she is young and on her own Path of self-discovery. I guess it's a little arrogant of me to even think I could offer her any pearls of wisdom to help her navigate her teenage years, but I can't help it, there is a part of me that feels "I wished I knew then what I know now". But I guess we all have moments of that, don't we?

While she dates one boy and arranges to meet up with another, I tried to explain the GOLDEN RULE, but I rather think it all fell on deaf ears. She will learn, one day, in her own time and way. I guess I just wish I could spare her some inevitable pain, but can any of us ever learn by other people's experience? I don't know.

THE FUND-RAISING UPDATE

Well, I have to say we're doing good. After writing to perhaps 150 people, 10% have responded. My dad insists that's a very good return. Several friends & colleagues have made donations through payal. So that fund is well over a few hundred pounds! Hoorah!

An equal number have been mailing money to my US and UK addresses. We're not talking POT$ of CA$H really - but every cent counts. It will go toward filming. So I am now pricing flights VS. car rentals - to see how I can best reach as many site members across England as possible!

I have had a few people who chose not to offer any money but rather have offered their advice - which is fine. I am sure it's well-intended, but to be frank, right now I'd prefer the buck rather than the passing of it!

Honestly, I am not so arrogant to think I know it all or wouldn't benefit from the advice that's been offered - but,....well some of it was a bit like closing the stable gate after the horse had bolted. C'est la vie.

Well, I thought about the email I sent to all of these people, and do you know what? Speaking of the Golden Rule, I can honestly assert that if any one of those people I sent the email to had sent me the email that I sent, I'd give a dollar or five or ten (depending on who it was and what I could spare). I'd give something to, honestly, ANY ONE OF THEM...but I also decided after I sent Friday night that I would not 'strive' any more. I will not 'chase' people up to coerce them to cough up. I merely trust that those who are led to donate, will, and the other 90% will "mean to", "bin it" or won't ever "get it" (spam box or what have you).

Regardless of all that, it's all 100% ok. Divine even.

All I am hoping to achieve is to get enough money to get a better camera, AND to get to interview as many people as I have lined up around the globe as humanly (financially) possible.

I will worry about the other 80% of funding later once I have the footage all done.

I am 100% committed to this.

One such reply to my email received today was from someone who doesn't believe in "investing in an TV or FILM" - which I can appreciate (especially documentaries which seldom make money)...It might have been nice if the person invested in ME. I suppose that's more what this call for support was about.

Part of my response to said email was: "I have no worries at all when it comes to getting funding for the film (later on once I’ve shot it.) I had such amazing support at BRITDOC - and in all the meetings since that - that I have every faith in it…Generally you’re absolutely right films don’t make money – especially documentaries! This one may not make any money at all – and that’s 100% fine with me – it’s not about the MONEY. It’s about the message!"

The film will not cost much money to film at all (10k maybe) where the investment will be is in the EDITING(and of course, marketing!)…which I will “raise” once my footage has been shot, no bother. (As Naive as that sounds)

I had another friend tell me yesterday "it's a shame you can't just get someone to pay you lots of money and to just make the film for you". I thought to myself, this is someone who doesn't understand what I am trying to do...If money was my aim - I'd have sold out months ago. Taken the deal I had on the table in November. The site nor the film is about turning a quick buck. The film needs to fit the ethos of the site, in my eyes. It's not about the DESTINATION it's about the JOURNEY of making it and meeting all these people. I don't want someone else to do it. I can't explain it any more clearly than that I guess.

Thankfully about 10% of those asked on Friday have pitched between 10-50 quid…and I feel truly blessed that they’re helping me make my dream a reality – plus by proxy they’re helping others all over the world…eventually.

I am sure I had more to say in today's update but frankly I've run on too long so I shall close. I know half a dozen checks (cheques) have been mailed to my American and Scottish addresses - so I eagerly await their arrival and would assume we're closer to three or four hundred pounds total. Not bad for a few days...

FUNDRAISING, FILMS & FUN

TGIF

Well what a day it's been...I am so tired! 'Up late looking at footage of the SYBD film - a lovely Scottish lass called "Mags"...and then up early today to meet and greet my new electrician. There's something seriously fishy going on with hot water. Namely there's not been any in the mornings....If it ain't one thing it's another.

MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS

Chased the electrician out as quick as possible so I could make a mad dash to the tube and into town to see MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS. Not heard of it? I hadn't either until I looked it up and spotted NORAH JONES and JUDE LAW amongst the cast and that was enough to get me into the theater. It was a quaint little sleeper of a film. It certainly won't be everyone's cup of tea, and it didn't exactly rock my socks off, but I have to say, I enjoyed it.

NORAH was impressive in the role and JUDE not bad either. The film also contained - DAVID STRATHAIRN (a fellow Bay Area baby) who is still hot even as he nears sixty, and NATALIE PORTMAN and RACHEL WEISZ too. Oh and for fellow music lovers the soundtrack was pretty good (only ONE Norah track incidentally) - with CAT POWER, AMOS LEE and my fave OTIS REDDING track too (Try a Little Tenderness)...So overall I was rather impressed.

Must get round to getting some CAT music one of these days.

LONDON CALLING - AGAIN

Well, I am thoroughly looking forward to my pending trip to London next month. I'll be filming two English men and a lovely South African lass. With a bit of luck, I shall be attending a party for WE ARE TOGETHER'S cinema release. Check out the trailer if you haven't already and if you're on FACEBOOK be sure to join their group (please) and try to catch their film if it opens in a cinema where you are. It's not to be missed.

And this trip is the big one for me...I am going to be interviewed for the documentary - by my very own "exec producer", Stefan D at EMI. It will be a 'green screen' interview. It's definitely not my goal to be on camera much - more likely it'll be told through voice over, but I might pop up here and there through it.

Between you and me, I can't think of anything worse than seeing myself on the big screen. "So why do it?" I hear you wondering, well that's a good question. I guess the honest answer is that it's my story...my relationship to the website and to its community. But don't worry - I'll definitely be operating with a less-is-more attitude.

FIGHTING FIT

It has got me in enough of a panic to be down at that gym every day. Today was actually sunny, so I was able to bike there. But truth be told, I spent most of my time in there today talking to a fellow yank from New Orleans. I just wasn't in the mood. Sometimes you just get like that, don't you?

But all in - I am anxious to get filmed to see how it can be used juxtaposed with the footage of my super-wonderful-site members...

I am really pleased seeing the film start to take shape. It's literally been sat-on for a year...with little physical progress being made but the time is NOW. Each interview I feel as though I learn a bit more and do a bit better. That's really all anyone can hope or wish for, isn't it?

DONATIONS

Well after ONE day of seeking funding - we have more than two hundred and fifty dollars donated. Not bad for a first day of work. I've just emailed about 200 people to ask for contributions to the cause. (Thanks to my lovely college buddy Dan Parr in Memphis for sending in $20.00 within minutes of the email going out - and the words "may you meet your goals" - bless you. Thanks also for putting me up when traveling through TN.)

The plea for cash is posted here on the blog, on Facebook, on SYBD's homepage and my own personal site too. The only place left to promote is my MySpace.


DEEP POCKETS OR GRASS ROOTS?

I have had some discussions with people willing to fund the So You've Been Dumped documentary film, but honestly, you have to weigh up the pros/cons. If it sounds too good to be true, in my experience, it usually is. You have to be careful who you're jumping into bed with, don't you? It needs to be a synergetic arrangement. I am not expecting to raise 200 grand through family and friends - but certainly getting some support going will make it easier when going for 'proper funding' through various funding avenues. Money begets money.

Besides, at this point, having outside interference goes against what I am trying to achieve - which is a real, grass roots, little film. I am a first-time-film-maker and it's obvious...but I'll tell you one thing - IT IS REAL. The interviews are natural, no one knows the questions beforehand, heck, I don't even write them down before I do them (which I probably should - seeing how I forgot the most important question when interviewing Mags on Sunday)...D'oh.

Thank goodness she's close and I can drive back up to shoot some more :)

THIS IS NOT HOLLYWOOD - IT'S THEAWOOD - (complete with shakey camera footage that will give Blair Witch a run for its money). Anyway hopefully a good, vastly experienced editor will do the trick. :)

SOUNDS A-X-ECOSSE

Well I am also very excited about my new radio show (Sounds Across Ecosse) for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL....Starting in March. Sadly, it'll be a bit early for most of the UK/European readers among you to tune in, but if you're in the southern hemisphere or on America's West Coast - you're in luck. A nice sociable show - 10pm on a Thursday night, (I think)...

Will let you know when I know.

At any rate - I have a half-dozen acts lined up for the first show already. I am stoked! Hmmmm, stoked but tired, so I am off for an early night with my new book - THE MONK WHO SOLD HIS FERRARI. More on that one next time...

Abientot one and all.

TAKING DONATIONS TO MAKE THE FILM

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Hope Cameron Crowe will forgive me nicking his famous Jerry Maguire phrase...

I just wanted to say, I have just added a donation badge to my FACEBOOK PROFILE whereby generous people can donate to the making of the SYBD film. In doing so, it will enable me to travel around and meet these wonderful people around the globe.

CAN YOU SPARE EVEN JUST $ 5.00?

The minimum donation amount is $5.00 (£2.50 appx) so if you're willing to chip in then get in touch. I have a new paypal account just for this film using: soyouvebeendumped (at) googlemail.com. So please give generously (ok, or meagerly) - every cent will aid the process of making this documentary film...

A CREDIT WHERE CREDIT'S DUE

People who donate $100.00 or more will have the option of an end credit in the film. Of course they may not want to be associated with a "dumped" film so as I say that bit is optional.

GRASSROOTS FUNDING?

Will it work? I don't know, but it's worth a shot.

SHOOTING SCHEDULE - ROUGHLY

I am booked to film in London in March. Aim to film on the East Coast of America in May and West Coast in June. In an ideal world I'd be done with all primary filming by July 1. Much of this is budget permitting, so please donate a few bob to the cause...I will be "transparent" with how much I've earned - giving continuous updates on the blog.

This really is a grass roots thing...building virally, so please help the little guy (or gal as the case may be). I'd appreciate it.

Oh and if we do get in enough money, it will enable travel to South America (Brazil) and possibly Australia and New Zealand to meet site members who've bounced back.

THANKS!

Oh wow, we've received 10 bucks so far - only 199,990 to go :)

Don't forget there's a link to watch the trailer (again) on the right hand side of the screen.

7th DREAM OF A TEENAGE HEAVEN

ALL IN MY MIND

Well, I can be honest with you, I had a bit of a blip last night. Just a tiny pity party for one...and thanks to the lovely gentleman who picked up the phone (as all good friends should do when they receive an SOS communication), to remind me of all that's good in my life. Glad that I have people to turn in moments of hopelessness.

"Ok, I'll give you two hours" to effectively wallow. But even as he said the words, I had an epiphany. I simply reminded myself I was CHOOSING to feel rubbish. So by the time we hung up, I didn't need 2 hours let alone 2 minutes to feel bad. I then bounced back from the blip to have one of my most proactive and productive nights in a long time...all this with a splitting headache too!

ACROSS ECOSSE

As I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, I had ideas buzzing through my brain. As I lay there words came into my head...Thus, I have tentatively come up with a name for my new Internet Radio series next month. As it's highlighting Scottish talent - I've decided it will be some sort of take on the words - "Across" and "Ecosse". I've been actively seeking new, unsigned, Scottish talent, through MySpace mostly. It feels good to be hunting for new music again. Getting my radio mojo back. I just love it!

I'll also be playing my ole faves like EOGHAN COLGAN and VIVIEN SCOTSON and others I used to spin on Q'd IN. What fun!

SO ALIVE

Speaking of music...I've pulled out my LOVE AND ROCKETS CDs today. The wise and musically-savvy among you will note that today's blog title and most of today's headings are L&R tunes. (Yeh, I'm a geek,...)

Isn't it fantastic when you play songs that take you back to a period of your life? It's called the MILESTONE THEORY (allegedly) when a song, a smell, or a picture brings you back to a person, place or time...and as I was writing an email to my friend, Nic, this morning - I ended with "No New Tale to Tell"...another of their wonderful songs, and I thought "wow, I am in the mood to hear that song" but alas I've not imported all my L&R so I actually have been playing CDs. Can you imagine? Ha ha.

Pulling out a record like this is like re-connecting with an old friend. I feel elated. The sun really is shining, and I do feel "So Alive". I have decided to dub today LOVE AND ROCKETS DAY, chez moi. Maybe I'll branch out to play BAUHAUS , DAVID J, PETER MURPHY, and TONES ON TAIL too - who knows?

The world is my oyster!

THE GAME

Well more developments - filming in London will take place next month. I am really looking forward to sitting down in front of these people to see how their recovery's goin' and so forth!

For a while I was feeling like chucking the whole idea out the proverbial window, but now I feel renewed enthusiasm about it. This is only bolstered by comments like the one posted yesterday on SYBD:

"I've watched your trailer on youtube about 7 times today. Somehow watching it makes me feel better. I love the GEOFF MARTYN song too! Great job, can't wait to see the finished product. You are inspiring."

The aim of the film is solely to inspire...to turn their pain into gain in some individual way. The more people I can track down who've done that the better.

And while in London, I'm attending a private party for WE ARE TOGETHER which repeat blog readers of mine will know is my fave film of 2007. It's finally getting released next month and I am delighted. I want each and every one of you to make sure you go see this wonderful film. All proceeds go to the charity, so it's a great cause.

IT COULD BE SUNSHINE

On that note, I've train tickets to price, laps to swim and sunshine to soak in. So I bid you love and light all around! :)

THAT OLE DEVIL CALLED LOVE

ALF

Just in from seeing ALISON MOYET. Though she looked like she came on in her PJs and a bathrobe - she sounded almost as good as she used to - back in the day. Back in the days I used to play the vinyl of "ALF" over and over again. It really did bring back some terrific memories. I've noticed the older I get the more hazy my memory is becoming. That's not a good sign but I guess somewhat inevitable...I do think the last time I saw ole Alf was a good two decades ago...I have the vaguest of recollections that it was in Oakland at the Paramount Theatre. Thanks to Google, I've just confirmed it was 21 years ago (with Bourgeois Tagg). Can't seem to find the date though...Oh well - near enough.

Anyway I wasn't sure what to expect of ole ALF...but her performance was stellar. She did some of her biggest hits, really only omitting "Invisible".

"All Cried Out" went down a storm, as did "Love Resurrection" (where she completely dropped the word resurrection from the lyrics), "Wishing You Were Here" (another fave of mine) and she even threw in a few YAZOO tunes - much to my (and the crowd's) delight ("Only You" and "Don't Go"). All that and a few covers too - like the Beatles' "Come Together", "Love Letters" and of course "That Ole Devil Called Love". Heck, even her new songs were well received. :)

To be honest, it was actually much better than I thought it might be. Always a bonus - Go Alf! :)

NO REGRETS...(ALMOST)

Well, I count myself fairly lucky as I only have ONE, TRUE REGRET in my life. Do you want to know what it is? Not keeping a note of every concert I ever saw (gig, support, date, venue) because by my calculations, I think I've seen about two thousand gigs in my life. Seriously. I wish I could remember them all...Though I guess to be fair, some were in fact utterly forgettable.

ALMOST FAMOUS

Always good to see the C-man on TV. Be it JERRY MAGUIRE, ALMOST FAMOUS, or the like. Now that I am reading Paula Deen's " It Aint All About the Cookin'" - I've got a hankering to watch what is arguably my fave Crowe film - ELIZABETHTOWN...(Paula plays Bloom's Aunt Dora). So great a film, I made sure I stopped for a night at the town to see some of it's sights which were used in the film (there were only two). But glad I stopped there anyway.

I am tired. I shall close.

I FOUGHT THE LAW...

5:30am SNOW FALL

I phoned my dad at half-past-five (our time) because I was so excited to notice it was snowing and lying...A little bit ironic after I was just blogging yesterday about the snowy Saturday a few years ago when I covered Woolfy's show.

Anyway I tried to put my laptop out the window to show my dad the snow - and I dropped two books out of the window into the snow below. Whoops!! One was a library book too (shhhhh). Anyway, least it wasn't the laptop eh? That would royally suck. Ha!

I FOUGHT THE LAW AND I WON...

So then dad says "Oh I have more good news, you've got a letter from Sunnyvale Police" and he proceeded to read out a short-but-sweet note that refunded a parking ticket I'd received around a day after Thanksgiving (again, ironic eh). Not feeling thankful, I was livid and adamant that I was in the right...so I took my car there, parked it again, took photos of the car, the signs - etc and whooohoo,...MY PROTEST PAID OFF. I am so glad I took the time. My dad kept telilng me "ah forget about it" (he was the one who paid for it too) but geez, when I get a bee in my bonnet, there's no stopping me. So it can pay to be a stickler at times :)

MORE GOOD STUFF

Well as I mentioned yesterday in my blog - my contract has arrived and I have now signed up with a London-based Lit agency. I am delighted. It's finally a 'done deal' and hopefully we can march on toward a proper deal with the right publisher for me! Fingers crossed!!

To celebrate G and I went to the movies and saw OVER HER DEAD BODY. It was lame, but funny, and I quite enjoyed it. We tried for some food afterwards, but places were busy because it was Friday night, and after a few attempts, we gave up and went our separate ways. I came home and prepared my fave meal to celebrate and watched the SHERRYBABY DVD which had arrived from LoveFilm. Wow that was a bit of a downer film, but over all - a decent view anyway.

So yeah I had a brilliant kick-off to February - made all the better by that 5am snowfall. Not sure why I woke up then, but was ever-so-glad to see the snow. I find it so peaceful to watch snow fall...I love it. I guess it's novel to me. My dad who grew up in New England and thus with lots of snow - really doesn't like it, (perhaps why he migrated West), but because we didn't have much, I just love it with child-like enthusiasm. You can take the girl out of California...

WALKABOUT

I got out of the house at 10-something and went on a walk to take some snowy photos but I'd left it a bit late and most had melted already (*sniff sniff*). On the way back home, I stopped at my local cafe and had my signature drink (a hot chocolate with a shot of caramel) and a cinnamon pastry. It's been a rather leisurely day.

WORKING OUT

Speaking of which, I do feel guilty having not been at the gym much. I've been contemplating cancelling my membership since a month after joining they sent a letter saying they're raising the price. I've been phoning around and arranging meetings at other nearby gyms. I found one that's off-peak £28 quid - which would save me £120 a year! And I could walk to it easily.

Sadly though, I really do like my gym, over all, but I can't rationalise paying 120 quid more than the other one I found...so I have a decision to make and soon.

The main reason I've not been going is I seem to have pulled some muscles in my shoulder/chest on my right side. A week on and it still hurts to cough, to blow my nose, and to breathe heavy, so working-out has simply not been an option (wasn't just being a "drama queen" as a certain someone intimated to me).

Tomorrow will be out too, as I plan to be filming an interview for the SYBD FILM...I guess I'll get back into shape quicker because I have the foundation of fitness, do you think? Hope so!

STREAMING SOUNDS...

Anyway today so far I've really just been editing photographs today - and listening to BEANSCENE RADIO (Sounds of the Scene) which is an ecclectic range of music - commercial free. Liking it a lot. Check it out if you like your ecclectic choonz. Maybe one day you'll even hear me on it, who knows...Watch this space...And speaking of Internet Radio - all being well I'll be doing a handful of shows for RADIO SIX INTERNATIONAL from the beginning of next month.

In the middle of the night - whilst browsing Amazon, I picked up the book THE MONK WHO SOLD HIS FERRARI which was recommended to me by one of my site members who is a gorgeous, lovely actress in the UK. Not at liberty to say any more but suffice it to say, I value her opinion so I am looking forward to reading this book.

I guess I'd better go eat some lunch as it's nearly 2:30.

GET AWAY FEBRUARY

I can't believe it's February already. How did that happen? As I type I am listening to JENNIFER TRYNIN's "Get Away, February". My busiest period on SYBD (historically) runs from THANKSGIVING (American) to VALENTINE'S DAY or as I like to call it ST. SINGLETON'S DAY. It's all those holidays in there - so stressful. So at least things will probably taper off a bit. It's a mixed blessing be ranked in the top half million of all sites in the world (according to Alexa). Good in terms of SYBD exposure but less great due to how much heartbreak there is in the world. Seems in every second - someone, somewhere is being "let go" as it were.

ANOTHER WEEK & MONTH HAS COME AND GONE

It's Friday and the week has been a weird one for me - for a multitude of reasons. But with the new month comes some renewed optimism and positivity. I've been spending ALL of my time - writing or rather researching for another little book. Taking the most constructive quotes from every book around me!

TWO FROM THE SELECTION:

"Some women enjoy the role of victim and martyr. It can be difficult to persuade these women to change because if they do, they will have to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. It's easier for them to blame all their troubles on other people and events." - Judy Ashberg

"Sometimes the people we love do not love us back in the same way. They do not want or need the love we are offering them. This is one of life's most painful lessons." - Judy Ashberg

WHAT WEATHER!

When not researching/writing - I've been staring out the window watching the wintry weather. I enjoyed yesterday's snow and rain immensely - if only we'd get some big old snow that would actually lie. It's been years since we were snowed in. I remember this particular Saturday morning when the boss called and woke me up at 4 or 5am to say "you need to go open up and do the breakfast show". Woolfy couldn't get in (nor anyone else - so I was last resort)...but what a brilliant time I had...sledging through the snow and doing his show...with him on the phones helping with travel updates etc. What a hoot!

YOU'VE GOT MAIL!

Well Mike has just messaged me to let me know I've got mail from a certain London-based organisation...who shall remain nameless until all is signed on a certain dotted line. Suffice it to say - with the new month and new optimism I shall have a new agent by the close of play today...(all being well). I really ought to learn my lesson and not say anything until I sign actual deals...but hey ho...I can't help it. I am excited...so I blurt!*

THE SYBD FILM

On that note, it's been a long while since I've said much about the film, hasn't it? Well it's still been simmering away on the back burner. I've had two dozen, or so, people come forward from all over the world agreeing to be filmed...and this weekend I am out with the camera to film a lovely Scottish lass who is what I'd call "screen gold". But between you and me, because I've not been filming since the Road Trip across the US - I feel outa practice. My friend Paul in Canada, who I met at BritDoc, says it will come back to me once I start doing it and I hope he's right. I am excited to be pushing the project further along.

As many will have known, I did have a "deal"* with a "major player" on the table and after much deliberation (and legal advice) was encouraged to not sign on that particular dotted line...

I'll be honest with you, I was quite down about it, but with the New Year, it too, brought renewed enthusiasm and I believe in what I am doing and that the right people will materialise to help make it...and star in it too!

What was originally a setback turned out to be a blessing as so often these things do...

So I may not be done filming by June 1 (as predicted or hoped) but I am gonna keep on keeping on...and we'll just see where the road takes us.

Life's the ultimate adventure....

FINANCIAL NEWS:

I just thought I'd leave y'all with some financial news for those of you who are concerned with the global market this one is for you....

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they crashed-and-burned.

Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

---- isn't that precious. Thanks to HUSKY@SYBD. Brill!

ON THAT NOTE...

Off to Byres Road...I've a contract to sign and some research to do! Peace out.