Wednesday, December 31, 2008



Vic, a thirty-year-old Englishman, joined the site when his brief (rebound) relationship ended in 2003.

Even though the relationship really only lasted a few months, Vic was still torn up about it. He’d met his ex at an exclusive pub opening where she was working.
I don't remember meeting her for the first time, but she engineered other meetings. For me, it was one of those cliché whirlwind romances, like in the days when a war was on. If that had been the case, I would have been married before I’d have left for the Front. After about ten days of being constantly together, we started living together.

As soon as the budding romance had begun – cracks in it had surfaced – when he’d heard his ex was said to be hitting on his best friend.

My friend’s girlfriend accused her of being after her man after a 36-hour-bender. Both he and I left them to it believing that it would pass, and when we went to bed, it all seemed back on track.

The next day, she went to work and we swore many undying oaths of love and affection to each other. I thought it was all fine but after her work, she came to meet me at the pub where I lived, and when confronted with the girl accusations once more, she dumped me for lack of loyalty. She then called the police on me for drug possession and for having her keys. In front of an attending police officer, who found no drugs, she ordered him to get her keys from me. Then she claimed to have a son and to be worried for his welfare. I was shocked, gave over the keys and walked the streets for ten hours or so.

Though it was only a brief relationship, Vic was gutted and completely confused.
I was a mess, and returned to earlier (years earlier) bad habits over the next few days, Class A drugs, heavy drinking, and homelessness. I ended up randomly snogging a Swedish girl that I hardly knew.

Things got so bad that I was found myself hitting rock bottom. I ended taking a drug I’d not touched for seven years. Not long later, I was in this situation where it was better for me to move back in with my parents then to be on my own

Vic started to get his life back on track with the help from his family, friends and through posting on SYBD.
Once I was given some stability, via living at my parents, I guess that the two things that kept me together were the discovery of SYBD, which I hit fairly hard every day. I ended up feeling some solace in writing bilge whenever I felt like it, only to be answered with sympathy and understanding.

The second saving grace was getting really back into my DJing. I even wound up playing a major outdoor festival after a month or so. Now I have a club night of my own on a weekly basis.

Time with my parents enabled me to resolve some rifts that I had with my dad. Other benefits have happened with my family in that I am very much a part of my two-year-old nephew’s life. I am completely besotted. I have discovered more who I am and who my friends are and I’ve even gone back to school to study for another degree.

Time has afforded Vic the benefit of hindsight. He ended up having to heal from not just one, but two, romantic disappointments which is probably why this rebound break-up hit him so hard.

Most of my friends have been polarised by our brief but intense relationship. It came after a four-and-a-half year relationship, which I thought was forever, and with this new relationship I put a lot of emotional investment into it and all my happiness.

Many of my friends were relieved that I had something beyond my previous partner, and became friends with her. Some of them never came back to my side, in case this was in spite of a twenty-two year friendship. For the most part, however, I realized how much that I had let it slide by investing so much of my life into another’s. I began to strive towards things I wanted, and after a period akin to mourning. I gradually became happier, as I realized that lots of my friends were much closer to me than I had ever given them credit for.

Also this was a chance to do things neither of my previous two partners ever wanted me to do.

Reflecting on life, friendships and relationships, Vic came to some pretty wonderful conclusions about himself and his worth.

Many of my friends had much more faith in me then I did in myself, I had a messy relationship with drugs, and I almost gave up again, but certain people, who are worth ten of me, in my eyes, helped me see that life could be great, single or attached, and so I was able to resist what I saw as an inevitable fall.

Mostly I learned, through the eyes of others, my own worth, I was reminded of the fact that I was a loyal, worthwhile person, through others who had to put up with so much of my crap, but never gave up. They said that I had always done this for them.

Another conclusion Vic reached was no matter how tempting it may at first be – “never rush into another relationship”.

I had always been a serial monogamist, who had set my own stall by my relationship. After being single for about five months in twelve years, I suddenly realized that happiness can be achieved on your own terms, and only then can true parity be achieved in a relationship.

Throw your energy into something you have not yet had the opportunity to do. Becoming single after a relationship frees up a great deal of your spare time, and plunging into a new relationship is not the best thing. Therefore, try that thing you have always wanted to do, be it traveling, mountain climbing, or, in my case launching your own DJ night, or even, like Thea, writing, and making your own brilliant website

Vic also learned that - though tempting – it’s far healthier to avoid reaching for the drink, drugs and random "substitute" warm bodies -- and instead to opt to call on family and friends for that support.

He’s happier with himself, has gone back to uni, had success in DJ-ing, and even received interest in a fiction book he’s been working on. He has begun dating again and feels that he found much self-awareness in his solo period - which he thinks will bode well for his future. Of that, I have no doubt.


HAPPY NEW YEAR to all the SYBD site members, my friends, and all you readers of this blog. May 09 be the best year yet for each and every one of you...

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