Wednesday, December 31, 2008

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 6: Meet Vic

VIC’S SUCCESS STORY

Vic, a thirty-year-old Englishman, joined the site when his brief (rebound) relationship ended in 2003.

Even though the relationship really only lasted a few months, Vic was still torn up about it. He’d met his ex at an exclusive pub opening where she was working.
I don't remember meeting her for the first time, but she engineered other meetings. For me, it was one of those cliché whirlwind romances, like in the days when a war was on. If that had been the case, I would have been married before I’d have left for the Front. After about ten days of being constantly together, we started living together.

As soon as the budding romance had begun – cracks in it had surfaced – when he’d heard his ex was said to be hitting on his best friend.

My friend’s girlfriend accused her of being after her man after a 36-hour-bender. Both he and I left them to it believing that it would pass, and when we went to bed, it all seemed back on track.

The next day, she went to work and we swore many undying oaths of love and affection to each other. I thought it was all fine but after her work, she came to meet me at the pub where I lived, and when confronted with the girl accusations once more, she dumped me for lack of loyalty. She then called the police on me for drug possession and for having her keys. In front of an attending police officer, who found no drugs, she ordered him to get her keys from me. Then she claimed to have a son and to be worried for his welfare. I was shocked, gave over the keys and walked the streets for ten hours or so.


Though it was only a brief relationship, Vic was gutted and completely confused.
I was a mess, and returned to earlier (years earlier) bad habits over the next few days, Class A drugs, heavy drinking, and homelessness. I ended up randomly snogging a Swedish girl that I hardly knew.

Things got so bad that I was found myself hitting rock bottom. I ended taking a drug I’d not touched for seven years. Not long later, I was in this situation where it was better for me to move back in with my parents then to be on my own
.

Vic started to get his life back on track with the help from his family, friends and through posting on SYBD.
Once I was given some stability, via living at my parents, I guess that the two things that kept me together were the discovery of SYBD, which I hit fairly hard every day. I ended up feeling some solace in writing bilge whenever I felt like it, only to be answered with sympathy and understanding.

The second saving grace was getting really back into my DJing. I even wound up playing a major outdoor festival after a month or so. Now I have a club night of my own on a weekly basis.

Time with my parents enabled me to resolve some rifts that I had with my dad. Other benefits have happened with my family in that I am very much a part of my two-year-old nephew’s life. I am completely besotted. I have discovered more who I am and who my friends are and I’ve even gone back to school to study for another degree.


Time has afforded Vic the benefit of hindsight. He ended up having to heal from not just one, but two, romantic disappointments which is probably why this rebound break-up hit him so hard.

Most of my friends have been polarised by our brief but intense relationship. It came after a four-and-a-half year relationship, which I thought was forever, and with this new relationship I put a lot of emotional investment into it and all my happiness.

Many of my friends were relieved that I had something beyond my previous partner, and became friends with her. Some of them never came back to my side, in case this was in spite of a twenty-two year friendship. For the most part, however, I realized how much that I had let it slide by investing so much of my life into another’s. I began to strive towards things I wanted, and after a period akin to mourning. I gradually became happier, as I realized that lots of my friends were much closer to me than I had ever given them credit for.

Also this was a chance to do things neither of my previous two partners ever wanted me to do.


Reflecting on life, friendships and relationships, Vic came to some pretty wonderful conclusions about himself and his worth.

Many of my friends had much more faith in me then I did in myself, I had a messy relationship with drugs, and I almost gave up again, but certain people, who are worth ten of me, in my eyes, helped me see that life could be great, single or attached, and so I was able to resist what I saw as an inevitable fall.

Mostly I learned, through the eyes of others, my own worth, I was reminded of the fact that I was a loyal, worthwhile person, through others who had to put up with so much of my crap, but never gave up. They said that I had always done this for them.

Another conclusion Vic reached was no matter how tempting it may at first be – “never rush into another relationship”.

I had always been a serial monogamist, who had set my own stall by my relationship. After being single for about five months in twelve years, I suddenly realized that happiness can be achieved on your own terms, and only then can true parity be achieved in a relationship.

Throw your energy into something you have not yet had the opportunity to do. Becoming single after a relationship frees up a great deal of your spare time, and plunging into a new relationship is not the best thing. Therefore, try that thing you have always wanted to do, be it traveling, mountain climbing, or, in my case launching your own DJ night, or even, like Thea, writing, and making your own brilliant website


Vic also learned that - though tempting – it’s far healthier to avoid reaching for the drink, drugs and random "substitute" warm bodies -- and instead to opt to call on family and friends for that support.

He’s happier with himself, has gone back to uni, had success in DJ-ing, and even received interest in a fiction book he’s been working on. He has begun dating again and feels that he found much self-awareness in his solo period - which he thinks will bode well for his future. Of that, I have no doubt.

FINALLY...

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all the SYBD site members, my friends, and all you readers of this blog. May 09 be the best year yet for each and every one of you...

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Monday, December 15, 2008

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 5: Meet Dee



Name: Dee
Details: Female / 28 / bi-sexual
Relationship length: 2 and a half years
Ended: 1998
Location: Scotland

Dee met her ex girlfriend through her flatmate who had a crush on her. Dee was, at the time, only vaguely aware of her, knowing only that she was a Swedish exchange student. Her flat mate kept asking her out, but kept getting knocked back. Dee and her ex would meet at various nights out due to their mutual friends and one night they got chatting.

She then asked me to come along to a night out, I went along and we danced for a while. I remember saying something like “oh god I’m all sweaty!” and she said “no, you’re lovely”. After that we started dating!

They dated for around eighteen months when they decided to relocate to Sweden from Scotland. Things were good at first. It was exciting being in a new country, learning the language and customs and trying to find a job and meeting family and friends. But eventually the novelty wore off and a shift took place and it all good too much for the couple – particularly Dee’s ex.

The end came at our flat in central Stockholm, on our bed. I had asked if everything was ok for about the millionth time, as things hadn’t seemed quite right for while. Eventually she said that she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. She went on to explain that she had lost respect for me, partly because I had been depressed (my Grandfather was dying of cancer and I had been staying with him in the hospice) and partly because the strain of being emotionally and financially relied upon became too much for her.


Dee had left behind her family, her friends, her way of life in Scotland to be with this person she loved (a feeling I know all too well) – only to be chucked aside like an after thought. She was crushed and stuck.

I was devastated. I cried continually, I listened to Nyman’s Piano Concerto constantly. My new best friend was Absolut vodka. I lost weight, because I wasn’t really interested in eating or looking after myself. I continued to stay with my ex because she insisted that I didn’t have to move out straight away. I was also working with my ex at the time, so things were a bit strained at work too.


Like so many SYBD community members, Dee found out the hard way the perils of dating someone and working with them – and add to that the living with them too arrangement and you’ve got the recipe for agony.

Reeling from the break-up and her grandfather’s death, it was a phone call to her best friend in Australia that served as a wake up call for Dee.

I drank about half a litre of vodka and called my best friend who’d recently moved to Australia. The first thing he asked me was how much I had to drink. Upon reflection, I was really lucky that I didn’t spiral into alcoholism. I just remember him telling me I needed to move out.


Dee’s friend was right. When you’re reeling from another’s decision to break things off – you need to switch into self-preservation mode. So Dee moved back to Scotland and eventually in with her friend in Glasgow. She learned first hand just how long it can take to recover from heartbreak.

Once she did recover, Dee got a job at a call centre and started to date her team leader, John. Yes, it seems her ex put her off women and she’s been with John for five wonderful years now. She’s learned how to drive, passed her driving test (on the 7th time). She’s even flown down to Australia to visit that best friend of hers to thank him firsthand for all his support. Most of all she’s learned a lot about herself and her ways of coping with difficulties.

I'm amazed that I can now think about my relationship with some objectivity. I reflect fondly about the good times, but I also remember the bad times. Ultimately I know our break up was the best thing for both of us. I genuinely wish the best for her. I realise now how young I was at the time, mentally and emotionally. I’ve grown up a lot and feel that although it felt like my world was ending at the time, it was just changing. It was a great opportunity.

If Dee comes across a friend or stranger needing advice – she’s always there to give it. Trained to degree level in psychology, she’s a natural. Her advice is sound:
Look after yourself – first of all the basics: eat, sleep, don’t rely on alcohol (or drugs!) and cut contact with your ex, unless completely unavoidable (i.e. you have kids). Take it one day at a time and make sure you don’t rush into any relationships. Find activities to keep you busy, think of things you’ve always wanted to do then do them.


YEARS LATER...
This chapter was written several years ago, I am please to report that Dee is not only still happy in her long-term relationship with John but they recently had a lovely,, gorgeous baby boy. What a difference a few years can make! It just goes to show - we never truly know what is around the next bend...

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

LISA DAILY: The Man Shortage is Over


GREETINGS

Sorry so behind lately with the blogs, but this is the latest edition of Lisa Daily's TV advice...an article from her due soon too. I'd post it if I had it now but I am in the edit suite and it's back home on my PC (drat).

LISA DAILY - DATING EXPERT

IS THE MAN SHORTAGE OVER?

Does it seem like there are no good guys left? Dating Expert Lisa Daily (author of STOP GETTING DUMPED! and HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP) tells you why your luck is about to change.



Hopefully get you a BOUNCED BACK BLOG tomorrow. Watch this space. :)

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Wednesday, December 03, 2008

SMALL DECEMBER 3RD UPDATE

CATCHING UP ON BLOG ENTRIES

For the next few weeks the blog postings will be very sporadic on SYBD. This is due to the primary focus being on editing the "rough cut" of the So You've Been Dumped feature length documentary...Six days down another ten or so to go, I think.

Hopefully nearer to Christmas - entries will resume as normal. The past 2 weeks we've had no ASK SYBD entries (no time to write them, that is) and so far no RANDOM ACTS...but here's a little one.

RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS


Today on the site a new member "Uncuddled" has posted a great idea in time for the holidays. It's an opportunity to thank our troops (USA) for fighting which, to me in my mind is a pointless war, but they're risking their lives and that much I do appreciate. More info can be found on Let's Say Thanks.

These days I am making driving a bit of a game to see how many people I can "let in" or across my path. I am actually seeking opportunities to be kinder. Though yesterday I did speed up and cut a guy off - which was counter productive as he ended up getting mad and tail gating for several miles. Whoops. I will be more kind and consider today. See how you go...

& FOR ME

If you're looking for a Random Kindness to do to me - here's what I want for Christmas, people. Vouchers for this. Well instead of giving gifts to each other, my friend Nicola and I are going to treat ourselves to massages.

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

I am going to put my tree up this evening. Putting it up means pulling it out of the box and plugging it in but I love it just the same. I am making all presents and all cards - apart from what I give to one, precocious seven year old. She's the only one I'll be spending money on. I have to say it will be fun to be around a kid on Christmas. It's not been the case for me since my nieces were wee. So that too will get me in the spirit no doubt.

BOUNCED BACK

I will get a "Bounced Back" piece up this Friday and all being well, tomorrow we'll have a new article from LISA DAILY - America's Favorite Dating Expert! She sent it yesterday but I seem to have lost it in my inbox somehow! 100 mails a day will do that to you.

Thanks for your patience.

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