Tuesday, April 01, 2008

THIS AINT NO APRIL FOOL....

APRIL SHOWERS...

Well yesterday was gorgeous but April Fool's Day is off to a dreich start as they say in Bonnie Scotland. I am recovering from quite a weekend. It's always a freak-out to my system when we lose that measly hour in Day Light Losing Time. It's like it sets me off kilter for a week until I finally acclimate.

I woke up Sunday - at what may have been NOON (!) - and I just felt rubbish. I thought for the entire day about closing down SYBD. Not selling it. Not handing it over to the site members. CLOSING IT.I'll tell you why, shall I? (Maybe it's obvious and you don't need me to spell it out but here we go....)

Let me put it to you this way…

1. Would you do a job for eight years, unpaid?
2. Would you want to do a job that talked about your past (rather painful experiences) every day for eight years?

Chances are you’d answer “No thanks” to both.

Add to that the question - would you want to work in a place where you’re literally drowning in other people’s pain, heartbreak, hurt and misery for EIGHT YEARS?

Again, I am suspecting you’d say “No”.

Welcome to my world.

When I first launched back in 2000, the guy who was the "inspiration" of the site, Chris, said "Thea, I can understand you're doing something good, but are you sure this is a good idea for you?" (or words to that effect) He was right to be concerned.

How could dealing with this subject matter for such a prolonged period of time NOT have an effect on me? Of course it has. I am challenged to BELIEVE in love and in RELATIONSHIPS.

I cry tears that are other people's tears. In other words, for years now I've soaked it all up like a sponge.

Therapists and counsellors have people to "offload" (I think the term is) to, but I haven't had that luxury, really...so it's stored up and stored up in what EKHART TOLLE calles a "pain body". And, well, Sunday I found myself wailing and caterwauling and none of it was really "my" pain or some ofi t was but mostly it was cummulative pain if that makes sense. It was like a pent-up pressure cooker - exploding!

It was then I realised I've had enough and it's time to work out a strategy to move on...but and herein lies the challenge - if you have ever had to "dump" someone, you know how hard it can be. Imagine dumping thousands of someones.

Welcome to my world.

There have been many people urging:- “Don’t do it” and “You can’t do that” - but why not? I built it. It was borne out of my own personal experience. It’s been kept up for eight years – where do you draw the line?

Yesterday, from a lovely site member (who I adore), the words "you are sitting on a gold mine. You'd be bonkers to 'dump' the site" came forth.

But of course no one can ever get behind anyone else's eyes, in their head, feeling their 'pain body'...so why judge me as "bonkers" for wanting to walk away? Or rather for NEEDING to walk away? Is eight years not long enough? It's been longer than any other "job" I've had. Longer than ALL of my relationships combined.

As I've said time and time again - this site has been MY GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT and it's equally been my BIGGEST CURSE.

FOR EIGHT YEARS!!!

It's been my intention to hold onto it until 2010 - that was the line mentally drawn in my head - but this weekend, I've concluded I no longer wish to do it for another two years.

ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END...

Every relationship comes to an end one way or another (by death, by drifting, by dumping - something). So the question is now - where do we go from here?

As this site is arguably the "best" (my site members feedback, not my ego talking here) of its kind, (dealing solely with break-ups), it would be foolish - or at least ill-advised - to put a "closed" sign on the homepage and walk away. I've been looking at the competition and have even asked a few trusty forum members to do the same...The consensus is that SYBD's a valuable tool for recovery. A haven for those most-challenging moments and a place to share those little victories too!

But after eight years - it's time for a TRANSFORMATION. It's time for it to grow and change and become something different. Something even BETTER. I am just not sure what...

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?

I've had to grapple with my own personal demons that I am letting people down. People who are, by and large, strangers across the world. So is it really MY RESPONSIBILITY to keep this site going for them? Or do I owe it to myself to do what is best for me - trusting that everyone will be alright?

My dad's response was "I wish you could just take a break from it" but that doesnt work. I suggested the only way that was likely was if I were stranded on a desert island with no computer/internet. Then I asked if he was willing to send me to an island...

So over the course of the coming year, I will look at all opportunities. I will do my utmost to find a solution that is for the greatest good of all concerned,...but mark my words, it's "time". Time for me to break from break-ups. To find love again. To surround myself with happiness and happy people. To hear the "good" stories more than the "bad". (Fully aware though that there is no "good" or "bad").

I especially want to thank the people who've supported the site from its inception. Only a small % have chosen to "give back" (by donating) to the site. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

SPONTANEOUS NIGHTS

After I dried my tears, curled my hair and slapped the paint on my face, I went to see an Edinburgh band DROPKICK at the 13th Note. I have to admit I wasn't much in the mood for a gig, but I "Paltrowed" as best I could.

I am so glad I went, because I had one of those rare, spontaneous nights where you make some new friends. Well "friends" remains to be seen...but I did spend much time chatting to a fellow American, Bill and a quirky member of Glasgow's ATTIC LIGHTS (Island recording artists)- called Colin (pictured).

I don't know if I'll see 'em again - but it was a "great night" when I just really needed a "great night". (Thank you universe)

I laughed a lot, learned a lot, and even if only for a moment - I "connected" with two strangers. Good to see there are "good guys" out there - interesting ones too. I really need to start getting out more, I guess :)

Thanks guys!

And thank you for reading this far...xx

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