Saturday, February 16, 2008


I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. The sun was shining, and it's Saturday which is always a bonus. So I get out of bed thinking "I'll have a relaxing morning and head to the gym..."

But I log on to check SYBD (as I do every morning) only this morning is unlike no other. A private message alerts me to the fact that a wonderful community member has taken his own life.

I am shocked and saddened.

Over the years, I can't begin to tell you how many people have "threatened" to kill themself, and to my knowledge none ever has.

This lad never did threaten to do - he just went ahead and did it - as far as I know. All I know is what a few site members have told me.

I have heard the "news" was broken on his Facebook page, but we are not "friends" on it, only through my site where he's been posting since last Spring.

While, on a conscious level, I know I am not "responsible" for anyone else's life, their happiness or their death, the other side of me feels somehow responsible.

I can only imagine how his family and friends must feel. I cried earlier, for them, not really for him - because I will assume he is in a better place. "Some Fantastic Place" as Squeeze once sang.

...But to be so young (in his early 20s) and so sad and lost just doesn't seem fair. Articulate, attractive, creative, musical, intelligent and sensitive - and no doubt so many other wonderful adjectives - it just doesn't seem right to have cut himself off in his prime.

I've not had "conformation". I can only go on what's been reported to me (his absense from the internet), and so there is that part of me that thinks - "well maybe he just packed a bag and hit the road" - but I think deep down, I know it's true. I know I am in denial.

Honestly, as weird as it sounds, I feel like one of my own kids has died. I feel like a headmisstress of a school. HEARTBREAK HIGH or something. I feel protective both of the one who has gone as well as of all the ones who remain in the community.

I already know how hard it's affecting some of its members (the ones who've told me). Can't help but worry how it will affect them now - having this added loss to contend with.

This is so new to me. I guess it's somewhat inevitable. I have been plagued with suicidal thoughts of my own, at times, (I think many or most people have), but at the end of the day I like living too much. I reckon we're not here for all that long anyway...

Actually it reminds me of a quote that sums me up - Agatha Christie once said:

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

I am sorry my young friend didn't live long enough to feel the same. I am off to break it to my community. It is indeed thee saddest post I will have ever written.

I'll leave you on an up-note, with a sweet Dr. Seuss sentiment:
“Don't cry because it’s over, smile because it happened!”

That's what I am gonna try to do...Smile because he LIVED (not because he died...) but at the end of the day they're all part of the same line aren't they? I think I'll go for that swim now...

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