Friday, February 06, 2009

NEW HOME FOR THE DUMPED

WE'RE LIVE AT LAST

So the new So You've Been Dumped website - (simple but hopefully effective) is now LIVE! It will take a long time to move the content over to the new WordPress site / blog, but I can live with that. So this blog will become more obsolete. If you're a regular reader of SYBD's blog then please find us at the new home.

Also exciting is the first guest post for BlogHer is also live this afternoon (well morning for the West Coast!).

There are three more pieces due to come over the month of February. Next week will be some of the classic break-up lines sent to SYBD over the years.

Will do my best to update this blog - when I can...but my main blog will be at WordPress from here on in folks. Next piece will be to help people through Valentine's Day (or as I like to call it St Singleton's Day...Watch this space.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

BACK IN BLACK - AGAIN

Thanks to my lovely friend and IT guru Ross, we're back online again. Well Ross started the restore process and went to his bed at 11pm...It's 3am now and I guess, since we're "live" again, I can now go to my bed.

My apologies to the benefactors...The rest of the community - welp, ya get what ya pay for! Ha.

I'm just glad I was able to get it back online without too much of an outage.

Happy Posting. Maybe, just maybe, the brief SYBD absence made your heart grow fonder?

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Monday, January 19, 2009

THE FORUM IS CLOSED...

TEMPORARILY - (I HOPE)

You see, I've spent the better part of ten hours trying to get a new site / blog up-and-running, but then I made a wee mistake which I tried to correct and it ended up losing ALL of the day's work...

So then I tried to re-correct the original (wee) mistake, and in my stressed-out state, I managed to delete the entire forum. (Don't ask me how I achieved that, but I did and it's gone.)

Now, fortunately, I had enough sense to take a "backup" of the database which I am now trying to upload, but it doesn't seem to be working...

So honestly I have no idea when we'll get it up and running again, but I do apologise for the inconvenience. I especially apologise to the benefactors who've donated their hard-earned-money to the site to keep it running! Most of you, thankfully, are in the Facebook Benefactor's group, so you can post on there if you need support. I'll be checking it regularly and mailing other benefactors to ask them to help keep an eye on it too.

Let's hope we can resolve this issue soon, get back to 'business as usual', and I promise to never delete another database again! :/

Sorry.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009

LISA DAILY TV: 3 Secrets to Attract Men,...& more

BUSINESS FIRST

Well first of all - once again - Happy New Year to all of you around the world. Thank you for visiting the SYBD blog. It's not been updated as much as I'd like but slowly things are starting to kick into gear once again.

Over the coming months, the site and blog will continue to transform. On the Site - you'll see it scaled right down to its bare minimum - and traffic will funnel to the blog here - or the ex-change our supportive, global community - which is the true heart of the So You've Been Dumped website. It's free to join so if you haven't do so - please log in and read the tens of thousand of stories from men and women of all ages - from all over the world.

SITE TO BLOG

The articles which are currently on the site, will be migrated over to the blog with a link from the main site to each blog entry for easy access. This is so we can give you the best, most-read content on our blog - which is a lot easier to up-keep than the a site.

These days, time is of the essence!

BREAK UP LINES

As such a high volume of traffic comes to view the break up lines - we'll continue to add those as regularly as possible. They're guaranteed to make you smile. (Well OK I can't "guarantee" that but if you have any sense of humor left at all - they will.)

The page that recommends books will get a face lift and we'll have one of the best "recommended reads" section anywhere on the web - to help you transform your life!

FUN TV

Lisa Daily just sent us this week's dating video update "3 Secrets to Attract Men Like Ants to Grape Jelly". (Her titles crack me up!) Happy viewing!


Please please please - don't forget to enter Lisa's competition to win a copy of her new book - HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN UP. And to find out more on LISA DAILY - www.DatingExpert.TV is her fabulous website.

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Wednesday, January 07, 2009

LISA DAILY: Dating Tips 09: "7 Unexpected Places to Meet Great Men Over 40"

New Year brings a brand new article from our Dating Expert - Lisa Daily...this time on the topic of dating men over 40...(I especially liked tip number 4!) I know a lot of you singletons are looking for love out there and I really hope this blog entry will be food for thought for you...Good luck and happy hunting! Oh and be sure to sign up to win a copy of her book!

7 Unexpected Places to Meet Great Men Over 40 - By Lisa Daily

It breaks my heart whenever I hear women say that there aren’t any good men left, because it’s just not true. Sure, it feels true when you’re sitting across the table from your blind date guy who wears black socks with sandals and whines about how his seventh divorce really was all his wife’s fault, because frankly, in his opinion, all women are inherently evil gold diggers or both.

But there are a lot of decent men and women who are single and looking for someone to love: maybe they made a few mistakes in their first marriage; maybe they’ve never been married; maybe the spouse they loved has passed away. I know this because I’ve met so many of you men and women who are a little older, a little (or a lot) wiser, and still hoping to find someone to share your life with.

Yes, it’s true there are lots of men who are damaged, depressed, and generally irritated about their past relationships. (And ladies, let’s be fair here the guys aren’t the only ones hanging on to anger and hurt and disappointment.) But there are also a lot of men and women out there who have learned from their mistakes, who want to find love and do better this time. Not to mention the folks who had it pretty good the first time around and are looking for someone to love again.

So where do you go to meet these wonderful, enlightened, please-let-them-be- attractive, minimally damaged men and women?

We all know that once you hit your fortieth (er, thirtieth) birthday, you’re not going to have much luck spending every weekend hanging out in a bar, gripping a bottle of light beer, and listening to the same old jokes, meeting the same people in different clothes. When we belly up to the bar, we’re much more likely to meet that smarmy loser whose exposed silver chest hairs seem perilously likely to fall in our drinks than the man of our dreams.

That said, there are lots of great places to meet someone fabulous, and many of them have little or no competition.
Where are they? Well, ladies, let me fill you in.

1) Somebody Else’s Company Picnic:

Pair up with another single pal and survey his or her company’s assets. These events are social, and as an added bonus, you know everybody there is employed. Your insider buddy can act as your tour guide to help you avoid the guy who sticks paperclips up his nose or the weirdo with fifty-nine cats.

2) Go Clubbing:

Want to meet an endless supply of fit, financially comfortable, educated men? Take up golfing. Trust me, men go crazy for a woman who can swing a crooked stick. And once you start, you might just find you’re as addicted to golfing as the guys are.
If you don’t already golf, there are lots of reasonably priced lessons at your local public course. (And of course, plenty of overpriced ones at the private clubs.)
Once you’ve mastered the basics, you have two options to maximize your man-meeting potential: You can pull together a foursome with a collection of like-minded women, or you can head out to the course on Saturday morning as a single and complete someone else’s foursome.

If you bring your own foursome, most of your socializing will probably take place in the clubhouse after your round. And a group of four women in a clubhouse overpopulated by men is bound to stand out like a basket of daisies.

If you’re golfing as a single, you’ll be meeting three new people (most likely men) and odds are in your favor that at least one of them is single. (The Census Bureau estimates that 30 percent of Americans born between 1946 and 1964 are single.) You’ll have him all to yourself for eighteen holes, and if you like him, you can let him buy you a Bloody Mary when you finish your round.

Now, you might be thinking you’d rather golf with your married friends Barb and Frank, who are fun to hang with and who will certainly not roll their eyes when you hit your ball into the middle of the lake, like a bunch of strange men might.
However, if you’re golfing out for the purpose of meeting other people, you’ll be far less likely to socialize with strangers if you go with a couple you already know. That is, unless Barb and Frank are shameless matchmakers who are willing to lure charming bachelors to your table. Or your cart.

The best news about dating a man who likes to golf: he has his own friends and his own interests (okay, interest) which means he won’t be spending all his time hanging around your house in his bathrobe, hoping you’ll entertain him.

Finally, don’t worry about whether or not you’re any good nobody is.

3) Join a Motorcycle Gang

Over-forty men are drawn to Harley-Davidsons like flies to sugar cookies. Whether you join a local motorcycle gang (check your dealership for a group of enthusiasts in your area some even host single-rider groups) or go it alone, motorcycle riding is another man-friendly pastime and a great way to get you out on the town. Just make sure you wear a helmet.

4) Marianne Williamson, Meet Wayne Dyer

If you’re looking to meet someone as interested in self-growth as you are, attending lectures, conferences, and seminars by spiritual and self-development leaders can be a great place to start. Most of us get tear-our-hair-out frustrated by the frequent negativity of the male mind and hanging out with a bunch of men who are actively seeking to live a more positive, meaningful, inspired life is a good place to start.

Weekend conferences are best if you’re hoping to meet other people, because they offer more chances to socialize than day-long seminars provide. If the conference feels too pricey, contact the organization or speaker and see if there’s a way you can work at the event in exchange for free admission.

Yes, the crowd will be 70 percent women, but the men will be good ones.

5) Romance and Power Tools

Most cities have some type of philanthropic singles organizations, and whether a group attracts young singles or mature singles depends on the city and the group. (Check out Senior Corps. www.seniorcorps.org, for volunteer groups for senior singles.)

The best part of meeting people through volunteer work? You help make the world a better place and meet a lot of like-minded eligibles. (Besides, helping others gives you good dating karma.) If there are no volunteer groups in your area catering specifically to singles, check out Habitat for Humanity, www.habitat.org. It’s a great way to meet people of all ages, and you get to spend the day in the sunshine using power tools. What could be better?

6) Charity Benefits

Charity dinners do attract a moneyed crowd, but the best way to meet people will actually get you in for free. (Hey, there’s no reason to put your nest egg in jeopardy just to have a fancy night out on the town. And be careful when you get there, one wild night with an auction paddle could have you eating cat food in your eighties.)

The secret to attending all the biggest charity benefits in your city? Volunteer! Volunteers generally eat for free, and you can go out on the town for as many nights as your closet will allow. Charities are always looking for warm bodies to help with auction items, ticket-taking, setup, and other odd jobs on the day of the event. The best job? Checking people in at the door you’ll get to meet every person who attends and better yet, you’ll know if that sharp-dressed charmer has tickets for two. Plus, it won’t be blatantly obvious that you’re flirting up a storm, because it’s your job to be charming and nice.

7) Parties Once-Removed: Six Degrees of Barbecue

You know how you always invite the same seventeen people to all of your parties? Bring some new blood to the old gang. With Parties Once-Removed, everybody you invite brings someone that nobody else in the group knows. Think of it as six degrees of separation, only backwards. Voila! You’ll have a party full of brand-new people who already get along great with your closest friends.

****
Excerpted from Lisa Daily’s brand new dating book, HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP: Everything You Need to Know to Get Out There, Get Lucky, or Even Get Married in Your 40s, 50s and Beyond.

You can WIN one of 25 signed copies of HOW TO DATE LIKE A GROWN-UP all month. To register, or get more of Lisa’s free dating articles, tips and advice visit
http://www.lisadaily.com/datingexperttv
****

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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 6: Meet Vic

VIC’S SUCCESS STORY

Vic, a thirty-year-old Englishman, joined the site when his brief (rebound) relationship ended in 2003.

Even though the relationship really only lasted a few months, Vic was still torn up about it. He’d met his ex at an exclusive pub opening where she was working.
I don't remember meeting her for the first time, but she engineered other meetings. For me, it was one of those cliché whirlwind romances, like in the days when a war was on. If that had been the case, I would have been married before I’d have left for the Front. After about ten days of being constantly together, we started living together.

As soon as the budding romance had begun – cracks in it had surfaced – when he’d heard his ex was said to be hitting on his best friend.

My friend’s girlfriend accused her of being after her man after a 36-hour-bender. Both he and I left them to it believing that it would pass, and when we went to bed, it all seemed back on track.

The next day, she went to work and we swore many undying oaths of love and affection to each other. I thought it was all fine but after her work, she came to meet me at the pub where I lived, and when confronted with the girl accusations once more, she dumped me for lack of loyalty. She then called the police on me for drug possession and for having her keys. In front of an attending police officer, who found no drugs, she ordered him to get her keys from me. Then she claimed to have a son and to be worried for his welfare. I was shocked, gave over the keys and walked the streets for ten hours or so.


Though it was only a brief relationship, Vic was gutted and completely confused.
I was a mess, and returned to earlier (years earlier) bad habits over the next few days, Class A drugs, heavy drinking, and homelessness. I ended up randomly snogging a Swedish girl that I hardly knew.

Things got so bad that I was found myself hitting rock bottom. I ended taking a drug I’d not touched for seven years. Not long later, I was in this situation where it was better for me to move back in with my parents then to be on my own
.

Vic started to get his life back on track with the help from his family, friends and through posting on SYBD.
Once I was given some stability, via living at my parents, I guess that the two things that kept me together were the discovery of SYBD, which I hit fairly hard every day. I ended up feeling some solace in writing bilge whenever I felt like it, only to be answered with sympathy and understanding.

The second saving grace was getting really back into my DJing. I even wound up playing a major outdoor festival after a month or so. Now I have a club night of my own on a weekly basis.

Time with my parents enabled me to resolve some rifts that I had with my dad. Other benefits have happened with my family in that I am very much a part of my two-year-old nephew’s life. I am completely besotted. I have discovered more who I am and who my friends are and I’ve even gone back to school to study for another degree.


Time has afforded Vic the benefit of hindsight. He ended up having to heal from not just one, but two, romantic disappointments which is probably why this rebound break-up hit him so hard.

Most of my friends have been polarised by our brief but intense relationship. It came after a four-and-a-half year relationship, which I thought was forever, and with this new relationship I put a lot of emotional investment into it and all my happiness.

Many of my friends were relieved that I had something beyond my previous partner, and became friends with her. Some of them never came back to my side, in case this was in spite of a twenty-two year friendship. For the most part, however, I realized how much that I had let it slide by investing so much of my life into another’s. I began to strive towards things I wanted, and after a period akin to mourning. I gradually became happier, as I realized that lots of my friends were much closer to me than I had ever given them credit for.

Also this was a chance to do things neither of my previous two partners ever wanted me to do.


Reflecting on life, friendships and relationships, Vic came to some pretty wonderful conclusions about himself and his worth.

Many of my friends had much more faith in me then I did in myself, I had a messy relationship with drugs, and I almost gave up again, but certain people, who are worth ten of me, in my eyes, helped me see that life could be great, single or attached, and so I was able to resist what I saw as an inevitable fall.

Mostly I learned, through the eyes of others, my own worth, I was reminded of the fact that I was a loyal, worthwhile person, through others who had to put up with so much of my crap, but never gave up. They said that I had always done this for them.

Another conclusion Vic reached was no matter how tempting it may at first be – “never rush into another relationship”.

I had always been a serial monogamist, who had set my own stall by my relationship. After being single for about five months in twelve years, I suddenly realized that happiness can be achieved on your own terms, and only then can true parity be achieved in a relationship.

Throw your energy into something you have not yet had the opportunity to do. Becoming single after a relationship frees up a great deal of your spare time, and plunging into a new relationship is not the best thing. Therefore, try that thing you have always wanted to do, be it traveling, mountain climbing, or, in my case launching your own DJ night, or even, like Thea, writing, and making your own brilliant website


Vic also learned that - though tempting – it’s far healthier to avoid reaching for the drink, drugs and random "substitute" warm bodies -- and instead to opt to call on family and friends for that support.

He’s happier with himself, has gone back to uni, had success in DJ-ing, and even received interest in a fiction book he’s been working on. He has begun dating again and feels that he found much self-awareness in his solo period - which he thinks will bode well for his future. Of that, I have no doubt.

FINALLY...

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all the SYBD site members, my friends, and all you readers of this blog. May 09 be the best year yet for each and every one of you...

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Monday, December 15, 2008

BOUNCED BACK: SUCCESS STORY # 5: Meet Dee



Name: Dee
Details: Female / 28 / bi-sexual
Relationship length: 2 and a half years
Ended: 1998
Location: Scotland

Dee met her ex girlfriend through her flatmate who had a crush on her. Dee was, at the time, only vaguely aware of her, knowing only that she was a Swedish exchange student. Her flat mate kept asking her out, but kept getting knocked back. Dee and her ex would meet at various nights out due to their mutual friends and one night they got chatting.

She then asked me to come along to a night out, I went along and we danced for a while. I remember saying something like “oh god I’m all sweaty!” and she said “no, you’re lovely”. After that we started dating!

They dated for around eighteen months when they decided to relocate to Sweden from Scotland. Things were good at first. It was exciting being in a new country, learning the language and customs and trying to find a job and meeting family and friends. But eventually the novelty wore off and a shift took place and it all good too much for the couple – particularly Dee’s ex.

The end came at our flat in central Stockholm, on our bed. I had asked if everything was ok for about the millionth time, as things hadn’t seemed quite right for while. Eventually she said that she loved me but wasn’t “in love” with me. She went on to explain that she had lost respect for me, partly because I had been depressed (my Grandfather was dying of cancer and I had been staying with him in the hospice) and partly because the strain of being emotionally and financially relied upon became too much for her.


Dee had left behind her family, her friends, her way of life in Scotland to be with this person she loved (a feeling I know all too well) – only to be chucked aside like an after thought. She was crushed and stuck.

I was devastated. I cried continually, I listened to Nyman’s Piano Concerto constantly. My new best friend was Absolut vodka. I lost weight, because I wasn’t really interested in eating or looking after myself. I continued to stay with my ex because she insisted that I didn’t have to move out straight away. I was also working with my ex at the time, so things were a bit strained at work too.


Like so many SYBD community members, Dee found out the hard way the perils of dating someone and working with them – and add to that the living with them too arrangement and you’ve got the recipe for agony.

Reeling from the break-up and her grandfather’s death, it was a phone call to her best friend in Australia that served as a wake up call for Dee.

I drank about half a litre of vodka and called my best friend who’d recently moved to Australia. The first thing he asked me was how much I had to drink. Upon reflection, I was really lucky that I didn’t spiral into alcoholism. I just remember him telling me I needed to move out.


Dee’s friend was right. When you’re reeling from another’s decision to break things off – you need to switch into self-preservation mode. So Dee moved back to Scotland and eventually in with her friend in Glasgow. She learned first hand just how long it can take to recover from heartbreak.

Once she did recover, Dee got a job at a call centre and started to date her team leader, John. Yes, it seems her ex put her off women and she’s been with John for five wonderful years now. She’s learned how to drive, passed her driving test (on the 7th time). She’s even flown down to Australia to visit that best friend of hers to thank him firsthand for all his support. Most of all she’s learned a lot about herself and her ways of coping with difficulties.

I'm amazed that I can now think about my relationship with some objectivity. I reflect fondly about the good times, but I also remember the bad times. Ultimately I know our break up was the best thing for both of us. I genuinely wish the best for her. I realise now how young I was at the time, mentally and emotionally. I’ve grown up a lot and feel that although it felt like my world was ending at the time, it was just changing. It was a great opportunity.

If Dee comes across a friend or stranger needing advice – she’s always there to give it. Trained to degree level in psychology, she’s a natural. Her advice is sound:
Look after yourself – first of all the basics: eat, sleep, don’t rely on alcohol (or drugs!) and cut contact with your ex, unless completely unavoidable (i.e. you have kids). Take it one day at a time and make sure you don’t rush into any relationships. Find activities to keep you busy, think of things you’ve always wanted to do then do them.


YEARS LATER...
This chapter was written several years ago, I am please to report that Dee is not only still happy in her long-term relationship with John but they recently had a lovely,, gorgeous baby boy. What a difference a few years can make! It just goes to show - we never truly know what is around the next bend...

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